HOW DARE HE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
HOW DARE HE!!!
12
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:03pm
My ex just called to tell me he was not coming to Dylan's birthday party in a few weeks after he had said REPEATEDLY he would be bringing the kids (D's step-brothers). He's instead planning to have one of their own in MS. I asked him why and he said he was uncomfortable being around me and my parents and felt like there were too many issues he had with me to be able to have a good time. In other words, he's immature.

He went on to tell me how he feels like Dylan is not getting all he needs from me and that I don't spend enough time with Dylan. He went on more to tell me how HE would do things differently and that HE would spend ALL his time with Dylan. There's no way he could! He works constantly and Dylan would be in daycare all the time. I have Dylan at home with me. He's with me all the time. Yes, I took my cruise (it was planned by Shane's job) and I have a honeymoon coming up. But he is not just thrown with random people. He's with my parents or my ex's mother for that time. Family, who loves him. Who will care for him and whom I can trust to be good to him. I hate leaving him for that time, but he knows I will be back and love him.

My ex has so much nerve saying these things to me and I pointed out that he has no right to pass judgement. I also told him that until he's some divine being, he will keep his mouth shut and stop imposing his thoughts on me. This man is a liar and a cheat and I can't believe he thinks he has any right to tell me how to live.

UGH!

I'm sorry, I had to vent. But he just really got to me and I'm furious!

Mel

26 Day and Counting until I marry Shane!

One thing to be happy about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:41pm
The good news is that he's YOUR EX!! What a jerk...is he expecting two weddings and two graduation ceremonies besides?? My xh tried to get out of his DD's birthday party with the same reasoning...and I told him to get over it, that my family has repeated shown him respect and kindness even after the divorce.

Doesn't taking the higher road over and over again get old???

But you know, to a kid, having two parties isn't a bad thing. My own kids love having Xmas at my house, dad's house, again at grandma's house and then finally the godmommy Xmas. To them two or more birthday cakes is great.

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:30am

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I don't blame you for being absolutely LIVID!!!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:14am

Mel....(((hugs!!)))


About the birthday party....yes, he is a cad for first saying he'd be there and with the half-siblings too (Dylan must have been looking forward to that) and then backing out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:09am
Thanks Maggie. I do feel better not seeing him there, however, I was more than willing to put my feelings aside for the afternoon and make it fun for Dylan. My parents can't stand Scott, yet they would have been nice to him. My ex MIL will be there. She lives in the town where my parents live. It's already been determined that she will always be at his functions and I encourage that. We get along fine. No tension. She told her son that he could do whatever, but she was coming to Dylan's party no matter what and she was not happy with his choice to back out last minute.

I guess what hits me hardest is that just before he called to say he was backing out, I found out I had to not do Dylan's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese where he wanted to have it. The party alone is about $200 and that's just too expensive. So not only did Dylan have to hear that we needed to find another place (which he was so mature and said it was fine) but he had to hear from daddy that he wasn't coming with his brothers. I'm so glad Dylan is well-adjusted and strong and mature. I did hear from a friend of mine here that her church has a huge rec room with bowling and pool tables and other things plus a covered playground and grills and picnic area. She said it's a great place for parties and I can have it all afternoon for like $10-20. Her son has his birthdays there all the time because it's where he chooses to do it. She told me it was very nice and that I might consider that and she'd make the arrangements.

I sent Scott an email this morning to tell him that I no longer wished to have a vocal relationship with him. He could call my home and speak only to Dylan and that if he had anything further to say to me, send an email because I am not in the mood to hear him judge me anymore.

I think it's better that way.

And I'll take your advice. I just want this wedding to be a perfect dream and I know it will be. I have a beautiful dress, gorgeous ring, perfect location, the man of my dreams, lots of family and friends attending, and my adorable little boy giving me away. We have our health, and we have love. What could be better?

Hugs,

Mel

25 days and counting til I marry Shane!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:19pm
You know...I have no idea what he expects. He and his wife are just going to have to get over it because I'm Dylan's mother and am not going away. No, I don't like being around them either, but I know that there are times we have to be around each other for Dylan's sake.

I'm fine with him throwing a party of their own for Dylan if that is what he feels better about, however, he should never have said all these months that he was coming. And he thinks I'm backing out of promises to our son....maybe he needs to take a long lok at himself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:28pm
I'm really trying hard to just dismiss him altogther. I've already made a choice to not be vocal with him at all. We only will communicate thru email unless there is an emergency. I don't want to hear it any more.

You know, Mandy, I've made mistakes just like any of you have and I know some of my choices may not have been what others would have made for me, but I made them, and paid for them if they were wrong. I never am out to hurt my son and to be accused of doing so is so hurtful.

Did you know he accused me of saying to my son that if Dylan went to live with his father, he'd never see me again????? How could I do that? And he claims Dylan was adamant that I said it. Dylan is FOUR and tends to tell stories. Maybe he was expressing concern that if he went to live with daddy, he couldn't come see me. Who knows? Scott chooses to blame me. And also Dylan is telling me that his father tells him when he's eleven, Dylan will live with them instead of me. He's adamant about that too, yet Scott denies it.

I don't know what to believe. I'm just tired of being blamed for everything wrong with the world. The man lied, the man cheated, and now he's jealous because I got our child. He needs to chill out. I took it while married to him and I no longer have to.

Hugs,

Mel

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Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:33am

You know, all we can do is our best.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 10:10am
Sounds sort of like my ex., however I'm the one that likes the idea of having 2 b-day parties. My daughter is having her sweet 16 celebration here, and her father is having one for her over there. I feel more comfortable doing that way for me, for DH and for the kids. Ex wanted to be invited to hers over here, but I said he could do one on his own. Plus, it would like pulling teeth to have him contribute money and then I would have to talk to him about the plans, etc.

As far as him makign those comments, I find that they like to hook you and get us upset. I find that ignoring them is the best medicine - you don't give them any power whatsoever. I just give my ex "okay" and "yes" and "oh really" response and then hang up. I know you know that your ex is wrong in what he is saying and he knows it also, but he got exactly what he wanted from you - you got upset and responded back.

Just let it go and don't give them any sort of power and use up your energy in responding. Eventualy they get the picture.

Hugs, Marilyn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:49am
LOL! That's what I'm working on. He hasn't tried to get in touch with me since a couple of days ago when he decided to unload how horrible I am in a long email (which I store in a folder in case I ever need them)

Yesterday, he called and as soon as I saw his number, I got Dylan to the phone and let him answer it. As soon as he was done, I pushed the hang up button. I like it better that way. I'm anxious to see how he acts tomorrow when I take Dylan to the drop off point. My good friend here in town laughs about it because she says this ought to be the most quiet drop off ever. But in all seriousness, it's sad because he can't even be mature enough to try to get along. I've tried and I'm done putting forth the effort just to get accusations and blame in return.

Of course, that's what unhappy people do...blame others.

Anyway, I thank you all for the advice and I'm taking it. I have too much to look forward to. And I'm not about to allow my ex to ruin it.

Hugs,

Mel

Oh and BTW: Dylan is getting his Chuck E. Cheese Party after all. Shane was adamant and I looked into things and it appears we can afford it so he's getting what he was promised and even though he was happy no matter what, he will have the party he always wanted.

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Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 6:20pm
About the party...not much you can do if he's not coming.

About the other things...I can only recommend what I told my ex. I told him if he thought I am an unfit parent he should take me to court...but that otherwise, DH/I will run things in our house as we see fit.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

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