how to date again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
how to date again?
17
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 8:32am

Hi,


I am recently single again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:04am

It's easy to stop dating those men... by simply saying NEXT!!! once you realize he is not right for you, and let him go. If you find yourself going out with someone who doesn't fit all your Must-Haves... then don't be afraid to say no and break it off.


And then... before that- you might want to make sure you are very clear just what your Must-Haves are, so you can spot the men who WON'T fit the bill... and know when to say NEXT!


The only way to figure out how to stop attracting the wrong men, is to examine just what it is you are doing that is causing you to end up with them. I know that for me, in the past... I can look back and realize part of my problem was that I was getting too desperate (desperate is such a harsh word, but yet there it is) and settling for someone I knew deep down that wasn't right... but I was just tired of not having a boyfriend or someone to go do stuff with. Ending loneliness is NOT a good way to pic a partner in life! (meaning- it doesn't narrow it down correctly- because any warm body can kill boredom for a short while- but it's not fulfilling)


That's what I love about this board... and wish I would've had something like this MUCH sooner- for learning tips for dating... because nothing keeps you from finding yourself always stuck in a relationship with the wrong man, better than learning how to use that famous "NEXT!!!" once you spot a deal-breaker.


Welcome, BTW- and for all you've accomplished in your life (yay for you!)- don't toss it away for anything that wasn't JUST what you want!


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for camilionag
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:12am

Hello there,


First I want to say good job on being such a motivated woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:36am

" I was off and on again with my last boyfriend for 3.5 years. I am 29yrs old have have a son in grade school."

OMG you are me a few years ago. I spent about three years with someone that was just not ever going to get his act together. I had done this several times even before that so I understand your frustration perfectly. I am 34 now and have a great career and beautiful 9 year old son and before I met my SYB I was really wondering whether I could ever find someone who could match me. I went into counseling and she had me stop dating all together. She also had me repair other family relationships with men so that I was making sure I was healthy with my expectations with them and not being attracted to the father figure or big brother who needs me types. I found after I worked through some issues with my brother and father, I was getting more of what I needed from them in their roles and I could concentrate on what else was left over and what I really wanted in a man who was my partner. It helped me immensely. When you think about it -finding a partner for life might be one of your biggest quests in life and for that you have to really hunker down and be willing to set some limits so you can "next" people more quickly and not accept less than you deserve. I have really admired people on here for what they are able to do in nexting so quickly. It is the thing most women CANT do and it is the reason why we as women flounder so often and end up with less than we should. ONce you figure out who you really want in a partner and stick to it, it will become easier. And my gut tells me that when you get used to nexting more quickly, it gets easier as well to just keep looking.
Good luck and way to go for what you have accomplished already!!

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:54am
Welcome to you both - I agree with this post and with Shrimps. It takes patience and it takes having a list and it takes being strong and sticking to it. Learn to say no sooner!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 10:25am

ITA with the others, I was also in a similar position and am much worse off financially due to not recognising I was with "leeches"/losers etc.


As the others said NEXT much quicker now, and the only way to be able to do that is to have a "shopping list" - one with "MUST HAVES" and the other with 'MUST NOT HAVEs".

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 2:52pm

I believe that an indicator of my spiritual health are the people I attract in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 5:48pm
Welcome...I agree with Shrimpy!

~~Tiny


You said you couldn't stand to see my heart broken...so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?

~Karen
˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡&#1244
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 8:53pm

hello and welcome.. I always recommend the book "How To Get A Date Worth Keeping" by Henry Cloud.. he's the same author who cowrote the book "Boundaries".... this book covers everything from how/where to meet someone new to how to do the internal work to BE a date worth keeping yourself... Great Book!!!


Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: crk21
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:22pm

I love Henry Cloud!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 8:37am

Thanks to all for the warm welcome and advice.

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