how to date again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
how to date again?
17
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 8:32am

Hi,


I am recently single again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 9:25am

I ma going to make a list is that I can refer back to it and really examine it so that when I meet someone I know what to do.

This is an EXCELLENT idea. The thing is that when I did that it surprised even me what was most important to me. I realized that I felt stronger about a potential partner being passionate about his work then about him having absolute financial stability. Sounds weird but I didnt want to be with someone who was just at work to work and then came home to play because historically they wouldnt understand me and how I view my work. It was only through talking to a gf that I figured out how I really felt about it. Of course I didnt want someone financially dependant on me or living beyond their means but I wanted someone who was passionate about what they did and willing to hustle a bit to make it work at the end of every month if need be. I ended up finding exactly that and love him for it. He gets why I stay up late studying a violin score even though I dont get paid to do that exactly. He understands why I teach a later lesson because one of my students is suddenly grasping something. I have had bfs who were horribly annoyed by both of those things. Anyhow, writing it down was very useful to me. It really shed light on a lot of things I hadnt quite come to terms with and it made it easier to narrow the dating field down.

In terms of finding something that goes smoothly and has less drama - I think that does exist but keep in mind that a full life will include some drama and things will not always go smoothly. SYB and I have been together for about two years now and there has been drama around us but not between us really. He has two fairly crazy sisters and lost his mom a year and half ago and went through some depression for a few months. My ex is constantly doing things to stress us out around my DS. We may have to be looking for a new place to live right now. My father can be a bit of a mess about his own personal life at times. All of these things cause tiny emotional roller coasters but the thing is we are absolutely each other's safe place, honest place - I really see him as the one person who can help me get to center again. And when you find that, the world will seem less rattling I think. It would be nice of course if you found something that was so perfect that it just ran smooth and had no drama whatsoever but just keep in mind that some of that just happens with or without someone. The key IMO is how the two of you help each other through it...

It really does sound like you are in a better place though than just a few days ago. That's awesome!

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 12:57pm

Then I thought of what I really wanted and started to wonder why I am even attracting this guy in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 7:59pm
YES YES YES. Instead of wanting someone to like you, you should evaluate if you want to like them. It is amazing what you can pick up on right in the beginning if you really watch and take this stance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 8:10pm

Along the same lines... learn to LOVE yourself... BE the person you want to be.. Be true to yourself... the right guy will love you for all the same reasons you love yourself... if he doesn't MOVE ON, he's not right for you... and vice versa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 8:15pm

Very true, Westie!


One thing I've learned (even if I can be a slow learner sometimes)... is that we have to go out ONLY with the people we like enough to be with. Not just going out with a man simply because he finds US attractive. That's not enough. I've done that in the past... agreeing to date someone because I was so excited that "someone likes me!!!" and think "I must go out with him!!" and then not finding out until I'd already invested alot of time (and his emotional attachment)... that I didn't really like him. I only kept going out because HE was attracted to me. Ugh- no more of that!!! I have to "be selfish" in that I date only men that I find I am attracted to... and see if the feelings are mutual.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 8:21pm
I agree - I have done that too - but no more! Hence my delete pile, I think!! LOL!! Do I get an "A" in that regard????? The only thing is that I like so few now. Oh dear!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: crk21
Thu, 04-24-2008 - 8:23pm
I've done that!!

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