How did we get here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
How did we get here?
41
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 7:57pm
Things have gone awry with CK.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:02pm

How I deal with stress is retreat into my “cave” as well. I find it challenging to accept help or care for I was raised to take care of myself and our family did not want to feel obligated to others. It is easier for me to be the caregiver but ideally I would like it to be a give-and-take, a two-way street between partners. So I stop myself when I am aware of my resistance when emotional support is offered. Cute Widow refuses help or support whenever she is stressed and this is her family-of-origin stuff too.

I admire your desire to help CK and the relationship. I think it is great on how you are looking at all angles and to make the effort. I would find it hard for me to do this unless my partner is willing to meet me half-way or at least willing to try. I would be giving him some space and time to let him figure it out himself . This does a couple of things: 1) Empower him so you won't be the designated “fixer” of the relationship, 2) give both of you an opportunity to “breath.”

BTW I am lucky that Cute Widow wants to meditate with me so I really think CW is very lucky to have you in his life, being so conscientious and conscious.

Take care and good luck,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:17pm

I wouldn't try to look at all sides if I didn't feel CK would meet me half-way either or try at least.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:31pm

Good luck Laura. I think CK is very lucky to have you in his life. I am impressed how much thought, energy, and consideration you are putting into this relationship. Let me/us know how things progress.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:33pm
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:50pm
Aww Sweetie, Im so sorry things are tough for you right now. & he is being a tad bit nerve wracking! (((hugs)))
Photobucket HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 11:47am

This morning I woke up thinking about all that had gone on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 12:13pm

I just e'd him this:


How the hell do you personally go from "I Love You" to "I might not have time for a relationship?"
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 12:24pm

I can easily understand going from "I love you" to someplace else. This is the honeymoon-infatuation stage when the "I love you" is said. We can get caught up in the emotion of it all. Then reality hits as the relationship and life progress. Now the relationship has a routine to it and the courtship phase is over, then day-to-day life sets back into awareness.

My guess with CK is that saying "I love you" means to him is "Hey I got to make a commitment here and I don't know if I can with the uncertainly of making a living. If I back away from the relationship then I can focus more on keeping my job and don't worry so much about taking care of Laura. Or maybe not so much taking care but putting emotional and other energy into her instead of into my job."

Anyway, another perspective....

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 12:38pm

I addressed the infatuation part in the letter.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 1:02pm

We look at life and relationships through our own lenses, filters, baggage, family-of-origin. It seems that he views YOU as needy rather than taking ownership of his own stuff. I find it hard to be close to people who point to ME rather than first looking at their own fears, perceptions, and baggage.

My sense is that you are trying really hard and perhaps it is best to let it go, at least for a while and live life without working on the relationship, to give him time to reflect and focus on what he thinks he needs to focus on.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







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