How did you know you were ready to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
How did you know you were ready to date?
11
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:59pm
Hi Gals, A question for those of you who have gone through a divorce, or separation, etc. I was wondering how you "knew" when you were ready to start dating again? I've heard that it is best to wait to start dating after a dv, and I'm curious to know your thoughts on the matter...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:56am

Hello and welcome to our board!!

I am sure all of the ladies here will have good advice for you.

I did meet a guy while I was separated and did date him for a while, all the way through until my divorce was final. I never planned to start dating but he was cute and nice and I met him at a party and then he asked me out....

It has now been almost 4 years since my divorce was final. And I have a ton of dating experience under my belt. I have grown a lot and found myself again. What I would want now is different from what I wanted just after the divorce.

My opinion is that dating is okay if you don't have a poisonous ex/child custody situation. You wouldn't want to jeopardize getting any of that done in a smooth manner. And it is a good idea to remain discreet about your dating - I am still that way now - ex doesn't know any personal details and neither does my son.

I guess what I am trying to say is that casual dating should be okay if you are emotionally ready and it will not jeopardize your divorce or child custody. If a nice guy asks you out then okay - but remember you are going to take time to really heal and to become your own person again.

The hazard about jumping in too soon are that you will go too crazy and not be able to hold your heart back and be careful and be picky.

Here is a great thread for you to read:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8204.1

Good luck and keep posting with us. Tell us more about you - how many kids, how long married, why divorced, etc...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:43am

Oh, I thought I was ready to date when I was still legally separated because my marriage had been awful for sometime already. I wasn't really ready to date though until one year after my divorce was final.

Many people say the same thing.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:45pm
I waited 9 months to date after my separation, but divorce here takes 4yrs in Germany. And to be honest, I stopped dating shortly after I was legally divorced. I waited almost a year and now it's been over 4yrs and I have now actually felt I was ready to be in a real relationship and I feel healthy and therefore met a wonderful man who adores me and I him. It all depends, but my divorce let many wounds and so did my past. I had to find myself before I could commit and now I can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 6:06pm

I knew I was ready because I wanted to date, and I didn't have any unresolved feelings about my ex or the divorce, and the divorce was moving along smoothly, all issues had been agreed upon and my dd was doing well with the custody arrangement. But this is not true for everyone, and it is better to wait if you are not positively sure.

I just ended a year 1/2 long relationship that started when I was separated. I learned a lot about myself during the process, and I have learned a lot about what it means to be in a healthy relationship (compared to my unhealthy marriage). I am a little more focused on what I want and need now, and I have learned things I personally would not have learned if I had been alone all this time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 7:36pm

"I am a little more focused on what I want and need now, and I have learned things I personally would not have learned if I had been alone all this time."

That is HUGE!! The key is that you have to concentrate on what YOU want and need - not just in pleasing the other person and craving the attention.

I know you had a lot of pain - but you did learn so much. I know good things will come for you now, First. Good luck with your kitten tonight!! We want to hear the story in the morning!!




Edited 5/23/2005 7:44 pm ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:21pm

Thank you. DD and I were out late, playing with the kitten. DD did great, so now we have to see if our application goes through before someone else gets her. We should know in a few days. The kitten's foster mom seemed to like us, and I think that will help. She's grown very attached but said her husband would not allow her to keep another cat :) Then someone from the shelter is going to help me find another kitten to be this one's sister.

Today was a good day for me, break up wise I am definitely past the worst part I know. I feel I am slowly getting back to normal. It helps so much that I am happy with my life overall, and the only change I need/want to make is a positive one (adopting some pets).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:17pm
Thanks everyone, for all your helpful comments. I keep hearing from people that I should wait until I'm completely dv'd before I date. I have been separated 1 yr. and 7 mo. now, and the dv will *hopefully* be finalized this summer. I have dated one man who took advantage of me, he was separated too(2 yrs into his dv) and I started seeing him 3 months into my separation. In retrospect, I realize that was way too early, but, I did get alot of self-esteem from that experience and even though he ended it badly, I realize that it wasn't me --it was he who had the problem; I just refused to notice all the red flags. I'm feeling stronger now since I had that experience, and learning what I want and more importantly, what I *don't* want in a r'ship. Does that make any sense? Or am I deluding myself? I just know that I have a great time when I go out on most dates(playing the field now), and it is helping me and inspiring me to be the best I can be and do the best for my kids and myself (I've returned to school to get my degree, after not finishing, way back when...and my GPA is better than any time ever in my life!) I just hope I'm doing the right thing...I don't tell the kids or the stbx about anyone I date, I don't believe they need to know until I am sure about a special one! Anyway, I appreciate your input, I realize that others can give me a perspective that I wouldn't see otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:20pm
It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Yes, all that you said makes sense.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:22pm

I knew I was ready when I stopped caring that my ex was dating. So I jumped in and went on lots of first dates...then I decided I didn't want to date and took another break...lol. Now I just go out occasionally I'm not actively dating. I figure mister right will find me...someday..lol!

I'm so much different then when I dated before I got married dating is still very well its frustrating, so 4 years since the divorce and now I'm ok with being single I love who I am and how I look and I'm happy. I'm ready to start actively going at it again, but it isn't easy it's like a third job!...lol

But thats how I knew..both times...lol
Stef

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:57pm

What if what you want and need is just some lighthearted fun and companionship?
I started dating within 2 months of separating from my ex. That was how long it took me to move out, secure my own place and get my schedule figured out for me and dd. My ex and I were living like roommates for almost a year prior to our legal separation. I was ready for some romance and fun in my life.

I guess I just don’t see what’s wrong with casual dating when you are craving attention from the opposite sex. Is everyone looking for their one true love when they date? I certainly wasn’t. I was just looking to enjoy life and have some fun and companionship.
I don’t have any dating casualties to report though, so I guess if I had been scarred emotionally by my dating experiences I would have a different story to tell.

I personally had a really great time dating casually, and although there were some frustrations at times, I don’t regret it.

Edited to add that I realize that I am sometimes a walking contradiction when it comes to being a woman. My SO says I often think more like a guy would...so that might explain why I was able to date casually and get away unmarked.




Edited 5/24/2005 7:40 pm ET ET by orange_clouds

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