How do I handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
How do I handle this?
7
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:47am
I've been a lurker on this board for a while now, I'm 22 and a single mother to my wonderful 2 year old son. He's my life, and I would do anything in the world for him. I just recently (two weeks ago) broke up with my boyfriend of a little over a year, my son could barely walk when he and I first started dating! Well, turns out, this man lied and cheated, and I can not, and will not remain in a relationship where I have been hurt so badly. My son's father has not been in the picture since day one, and it really is for the best. Well, in the past 15 months, my ex became the father figure in my son's life. No, he did not call him dad (I would never allow that until I am married, and even then I may be wary about it unless the man adopts my son), but they were very close, and my son looked up to him. All of the sudden, this man is gone, and my son can not see him anymore. He will literally throw tantrums about wanting to go see my ex, and I have to site there and try my hardest to explain to a two year old why we can't go see him, and it breaks my heart over and over. Not only am I dealing with the hurt from the break up, but I have to deal with the hurt my son feels about not being able to see my ex, and that hurts more than anything. Is there anything I can do or say to my son, other than "no baby, we can't go see X anymore"? Lesson learned for me...no more relationships for a LOOOOONG time, and I'm keeping my son as far away as I can until I'm sure the man I'm with is "the one".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:02am
That is a hard one. I am probably not the best to give advice, but I have to reply to this since I have been in the same situation.
Question. Does the X want to have anything to do with your son? If so, can you allow it while putting your feelings aside? Is it safe for your son to see him? If all those are a yes, I say let them continue their relationship on a different level. The X being there one day and gone the next can be traumatic for a child. If he gradually leaves the scene, it may be tolerated better.
If any of the above questions are a no, then all you can do is love your son through this. There is no way to explain it to a two year old. He will think he did something wrong if you don't give him some explanation, but he doesn't need to know the adult reasons either.
I have X step children that I still see today. They are a part of my life no matter how I feel about their father. If you can safely allow your son to see the X, and the X wants to, I say allow it. They both may continue their relationship forever, or it may die out over time. Either way, you have done what you can to make things better for your son. I hope I didn't ramble too much......
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:25am
I know my ex misses my son terribly, he pretty much became his. In a very short amount of time, they bonded. It would be "safe" to let them see one another, but I don't know that I could put my feelings aside to allow it. That may be selfish of me, but I can hardly stand to look at him without breaking down in tears over what has happened. Though I knew all along, this has given me yet another instance in which it proves that everything I do in life effects my son, and I have to be SO careful in what I do, and who I let into his life. Thank you for the advice, and maybe, just maybe, a day will soon come that I can let them see one another if my son continues to ask for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:57am

Welcome - good to see a lurker come out and post!!

Sorry you had to go through all of this - but it certainly sounds as though you made the right decision.

I think what I would do in your case is when your DS asks for your exbf - say let's go to the park and meet new friends - and do just that - get out of the house if you can. Or find something else to do.

Eventually he will tire of asking. And when he is big I doubt if he will remember any of this - 2 is so young. I guess that works in your favor.

Good luck - hope you stick around and post more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 5:23pm

I have been in your situation but it was when my son was 3 (he just turned 4) and trust me at 2 years old he will forget within a month if not sooner. You can probably explain it very easily and he won't question it at this age. Just say he's not able to come over anymore.
I would absolutely NOT, under any circumstances allow a relationship between your son and this guy. You weren't married and there is no point or purpose to it and if he's an insincere person to boot, he will only end up disappointing and hurtig your son in the long run.

((HUGS)) to you and your little guy...trust me, he won't even remember his name in a few months Be glad that it happened at such an early age and I'm sure next time you'll be a bit more cautious. Don't be too hard on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:47pm
Thank you for your advice. After the coversations (if you can call them that) he and I had this weekend, there is no way I will ever be able to be around this man again, much less let my son around him. I don't feel he's dangerous in any sort of way, just not the sort of person that I should be with. I know what kind of man I deserve, and I know what kind of man I want in having a hand raising my son (if it ever even come to that with one, as I certainly am not looking, and we are doing GREAT on our own), and he is not it. Thank ya'll for the listening ear! And I'm probably going back into lurker mode for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:24pm

"I know what kind of man I deserve, and I know what kind of man I want in having a hand raising my son (if it ever even come to that with one, as I certainly am not looking, and we are doing GREAT on our own)"

BRAVO
- stomping feet on the floor and waving arms and clapping hands. It doesn't get better than that. You are strong and will do great on your own and find the right one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 2:03pm
This is the first chance I have had to get back on (my computer is being a piece of #%&$@$$), and I wanted to say THANK YOU! One day, when I least expect it (so I hear), and if it's ever meant to be, the right one will come along. Until then, it's me and my little man, whom will be raised to treat women with the upmost respect. I'm healing, and it's been a few days since he's asked for my ex, which helps me to relax A LOT! Thank you again ladies...and I'm sure I'll be back!