How do I help him get closer to my kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
How do I help him get closer to my kids?
5
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 8:54am

Okay, I'm hoping someone else out there has had a similar problem. I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. I dated him for 6 months before I ever got him involved with my girls, now ages 5 and 7, because I wanted to make sure he was a "keeper." At first my girls were crazy about him, but when my ex sort of went off the deep end, my boyfriend and I decided maybe he should back off a little bit so my ex could "cool down." I now think that was a HUGE mistake. Now my girls are very standoffish with my boyfriend. Their dad constantly tells them things like, mommy's bf is only nice to them because of mommy, etc.


BF seems to have become comfortable seeing me mostly when the girls aren't around. He says he loves me, wants to marry me and wants the girls to accept him but when he comes over he hides behind the newspaper or turns on ESPN and then wonders why the girls don't seem to "like" him. I really, really want the four of us to become a family, but of course we're not headed in the right direction right now. I love him too much to just give up on this.


Any advice on ways I can help the 3 most important people in my world become closer?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 12:18pm

How about your boyfriend taking your girls out on outings sans mom, just him and them?

Have you talked with your ex to back off on him telling your girls about dissing your BF?

Have you talked with your girls about what their dad is not true?

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 1:41pm

Thanks for your supportive suggestions. Unfortunately their dad is a loose cannon and likes to make threats and demands against me, and badmouths me to the girls constantly. Asking him to do--or not do-- something in the best interest of his girls is like asking an alligator not to eat you. I do try to reinforce the truth to the girls but I don't harp on it.... They get constant "coaching" from their dad to say things, and I think it's best to just let them be kids.


Your idea about an outing is one I'll consider, if BF will go for it. He doesn't have kids, has never really been around them, and doesn't have much confidence in his ability to take care of them. A baby would probably be the best thing that could happen to him but he's 46 and I'm 37, so it's not likely....


Thanks again, and keep the good ideas coming! Have a great day!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 2:13pm

Dr. Joy Browne says that the step parent's role is not to be a parent but a good friend to the children. If your BF is not use to kids then that's a lot to step into.

I know for myself that despite raising two children, I'm not much to be around children. I I have a relationship with a widow who has a 13 yr old daughter. I am not inclined to interact much with her because her open anger towards me and her mother. This mainly comes from her bottled up grief from the loss of her father (3.5 yrs ago).

I don't take her anger personally but I don't enjoy being around her which makes my time with her mother more of a challenge.

I see romantic relationships as being in relationship not only with my partner but with their relations as well, e.g. children, parents, siblings, and extended family and close friends (plus sometimes pets). I tell people "love me, love my children and my dog" but then again I say that my children and dog are my best selling points since they are instantly likable... I'm more of an acquired taste *grin*

It's a commitment on your BF's part to make that effort and get out of his comfort zone to establish and nurture his relationship with your children.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 3:58pm

I like Mark's idea of an outing or maybe even an "inning" as we call it here. Pick up a family friendly movie, popcorn, blankets and just hang out together in the living room watching it as a family, play a board game together. Something where the girls are going to have fun in spite of themselves. And make sure they know it was all BF's idea.

My boyfriend has not met my girls yet either but when it does happen I may get some advice from you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 4:29pm

I like the idea of an outing- could be as easy as sending him and the girls out to pick up a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch! Then you can have fun carving them all together.

The boy

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