How do I not screw this up?
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| Tue, 06-14-2005 - 2:14pm |
Ok, my daughter (who is five) went to stay with her dad for six months in March, and right after she left pretty much I started dating this guy. We are still together and I fully expect to be dating him still when she returns in a few months. She hasn't met him and doesn't yet know about him.
When she returns they will meet for the first time. My boyfriend is excited to meet her, and they will be a part of each other's lives to some degree after that. How do I make this go as smoothly as possible? How should I introduce him to her? As a "friend"? Something else? I honestly don't know how well she grasps the intricacies of adult relationships, and I don't want to scare or confuse her. She has asked me to apologize to daddy so I can live with him again in the past, and I tried to explain it to her the best I could, so I know she knows a little bit. I don't want to assume she will be just fine with this, because she may not.
I've never done this before, and I don't want to screw it up. I dated before when she lived with me, but it never went anywhere so she never met any of them.

Hi, I don't think I've seen you post before, are you new? If so, welcome!
I think it's a good idea to introduce him as a friend first and you should do it some place neutral and non-threatening, like a park. I also think you’ll need to take cues from your daughter as to how comfortable she is with the situation and let her set the pace for how quickly she wants to get to know him. She’s young and she may take to him right away, or she may not. Since it sounds like she still has expectations of you getting back together with your ex, it’s a good idea to make sure she is very clear that isn’t going to happen, before you move forward with the new guy.
It’s been a while since you’ve seen her. You may have to spend some time getting connected and comfortable again. If it were me, I wouldn’t bring him into the picture until after you’ve reached this comfort zone. And then make sure you don’t do things that might make her feel like she is suddenly in 2nd place.
Good luck!
I wouldn't be in any hurry to introduce them. Let your daughter settle back into her routine with you. Then, slowly bring the boyfriend around. Introduce him as a friend. Don't spend bunches of time with him like you are now. You'll have to balance things out.
Remember, your boyfriend will have to adjust to this as well. Many guys are all keen to meet your kids, until they actually do or have to take a back seat to your parental responsibilities.
Hi there and welcome!!
As the others say, I would wait for her to settle in to her routine. At the same time, your BF will have to adjust to this new routine of having her around and putting a limit on the time you spend together. And I would think that you will also have to adjust to having her around full time!! I know I go upside down having DS back when he has only been gone for a week.
After all of this settling you will know when the time is right. Keep it brief, simple, casual, just as friends and see how it goes. Go slow.
HOpe this helps!!
"Is there talk of marriage? What's the reason for introducing them now?"
Well it's partly that he wans to meet her, and partly that unless he is able to come over to my house sometimes I won't really have any opportunities to see him. She is coming back a month before school starts and he really wants for us to all go do things together like go to the zoo and the fair, before it gets too cold.
As far as marriage goes, we both feel pretty strongly about wanting a long-term serious relationship but still maintaining seperate lives and residences. So even if we did get married we'd still want live apart. I NEED to have my own place, and so does he. We are totally committed to one another, we just need that bit of independance. I feel that 90% of what went wrong with dd's dad was because we lived togther, from very early in the relationship in fact. Fighting about things like chores, money, cleanliness, responsibilities... I just find it much easier never to have to share those aspects of your life. My BF lets his dishes pile up a few days before he washes them and I know that would drive me crazy. I never make my bed and I know that would drive him crazy.
But I can also tell when a relationship is going to last awhile. They are never inbetween with me. They either fizzle out in a month or two or go on for years. So I might as well introduce them at some point because he is going to be around for a while, maybe forever.
But thanks to everyone who posted advice. I appreciate it alot and it really helps. I will do what you suggest.