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| Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:42pm |
Good Morning,
I have been switching back and forth from Betrayed Spouses support and here for a while now and I finally have the nerve to ask some questions. My soon to be ex. and I were married for 15 years and we have an 8 years old daughter. Like others here I am totally out of practice, I'm terrified of the whole dating scene and everything is different now that I have a child to think about too. So here goes with my questions:
1.How do you know when you're ready?? I'm scared of dating(the akwardness,the guilt, feeling like I have to prove myself to someone again,the time,etc.) lonely for adult company, making a wrong decision.
2. How do you date now with children? I can't just drop everything and go out like I could before. Obviously whoever I date must enjoy children but we would also need time alone.
3. When do I introduce my daughter to the person that I'm dating. I would not hide the fact that I'm dating from my daughter (or should I tell her that I'm going out with friends for the first while?) but I don't know when they should meet. Should I do a quick introduction at the door when he comes to pick me up and leave it at that until I know that it is more serious?
4. I have read that we shouldn't become exclusive right from the start (which I have always tended to do) That each of us should be dating others casually (no sex) as well. I live on a military base and would get a reputation real fast if I were to do this. Plus wouldn't this be sending the message to the other person that I'm not interested if he knew that I was going out on dates with other men?
Ok , I guess I'll stop at these for now. I don't want to overwhelm you. I hate the fact that I find myself in this position again but at the same time it is kind of exciting but scary!!
Thanks in advance
Laureen

Hi Laureen and welcome - you have come to the right place. I know you will receive many good responses from the women here. And we hope you stay and participate on this board as much as you can!!
1.How do you know when you're ready??
I think you are the most ready when you are happy alone. When you have put your life back for you and your daughter. Dating later in life is more difficult because there are fewer and more picky prospects and because you do have so much at stake. You need to have a lot going on in your life and have a thick skin so you won't settle and so you will be able to handle rejection from someone who doesn't think you are right.
2. How do you date now with children?
Personally, I have never found my child to be an issue. Where there is a will, there is a way. Most men have less time than I do. As long as you have one babysitter, family or a good friend/neighbor you are set.
Also, a child is a blessing - it helps keep you slow and make a better decision.
3. When do I introduce my daughter to the person that I'm dating.
I would not say I am dating to an 8 year old. Just making friends. I would allow her to meet them only if I thought they had long-term potential - this is to protect her and to allow the relationship to progress as adults without a child around.
4. I have read that we shouldn't become exclusive right from the start.
This is very true. I think you are in the same boat as me - dating has changed a lot now since when we were dating a long time ago. It is best to stay casual at first until you both want something more.
I think you should read some good dating books - "Mars and Venus on a Date" - and "He's Just Not That Into You" are good starts. The biggest issue as I see it is to go slow and define a man's intentions - is he "that into you" or "that into sex" - that will tell you. You should not hop into bed right away - this is because that will cause you to develop strong emotional ties that will overwhelm a new relationship. It will also cloud your judgement on picking the right person - and it won't allow the relationship to develop and have fun things.
I hope this answers some of your questions. I know the others will have great advice, too.
One more thought -
Your title asks, how do I start? To this I would say - be all you can be - find and culture some activities and interests for yourself. Improve yourself - maybe it is to get a few new clothes, a new hair cut, to work out - anything to feel better about you.
And then you will flat out bump into him!!
Some here have tried and had success for online dating - you may want to give that a try, too. But you do have to be ready to sort through some no-no's!!
Laureen,
First of all, I don't believe you are ready to date yet. You need to get things sorted out with your ex and feel at peace over what has happened. You cannot move forward until you have dealt with the emotions of the past, or you will be burdening the next person with unfinished business. Get yourself into that space where you feel confident about yourself and your decisions. Into that space where you feel that you don't need anyone else's help or support, so that you can be accepting of it when it does come along, not desparately seeking it.
When you are ready to date, then do so: date. Do not worry about just one guy, get out there and meet different guys, and have fun. You will not get a reputation if you're just casually dating men- no sex involved. Meet them for fun things, and go home by yourself. If you decide that after dating a few men that you find one that you would like to move to the next level with, that's when you stop dating the other men and see the one exclusively.
I always suggest that parents introduce their dates as friends, rather than, "this is my date". Little kids don't know the difference, and you want your child to know when you have someone special in your life, then you say "you know my friend, John? well, he and I really like each other and we are now dating". Kids will go along with it, if you're just straightforward with them. I would also caution against too much touching in front of your child, until you feel that they have adjusted to their parents no longer being together, and have accepted this new person into their routine.
Alison
Is there anyone here who is dating again after being cheated on? and how do you trust your choices and men?
I was not cheated on as you. But I was able to let go of the past. I do agree with Alison - she made a very intelligent post.
Anyway, I was able to let go of the past because I do not see the divorce as something bad anymore. I don't believe you can put labels on things in life as good and bad. Everything in our lives has a purpose.
I believe that my ex and I both did the best we could but it just didn't work and it wasn't meant to be forever. My divorce helped me grow and be strong in ways I could never imagine. It forced me to grow my business to a new level. It gave me a new shot and chance at my life as the way I want it to be. I am in great shape and look great - that would not have happened if I was still with him.
I have been seeking the answers as to why our marriage failed - and believe I have them now. It wasn't all his fault - I made mistakes, too. I also believe that having sex too soon and making a decision on the high of infatuation made me pick the wrong partner.
I am ready to trust again now after almost 5 years of being divorced. I have had dating experience that has taught me about what is out there and what I want and don't want. I have spent a lot of time on these ivillage boards reading and sharing stories and have learned a lot lot lot. Everyone here has given me so much.
Anyway, somehow in time you will see that you are better off without him if you seek to be that way. And I think that is how you will be over it. You have to realize that you cannot do anything about his decisions and actions - only about what you do and think. And that is what you have to work on - don't let him ruin what you have now.
There are quite a few women on here who have been in your shoes. I know they will help you more. I hope I have helped you a bit.
Stay with us!!
Laureen,
I was in your situation 4 years ago. I dated men that I should have never been involved with. I dated men that gave me a line and I fell for it. I learned the hard way. I was not ready to date when I did. I have 3 kids and I introduce them way to soon. the way I look at life is we aren't perfect and we all make mistakes. Date when you feel ready. Date when you feel like you want to have a connection with somebody. There is not time table. To be honest that was half my problem I was lonely and any man would do at that time. I fooled myself thinking I was in love. But all but one of the guys I dated ran. The last one made me run for I found out unsavory things about him. Also he was married. Wait to date till you are you again and you are happy with your life. Don't get involved cause you are lonely.
((( Hugs )))
You can do this. I did and many more will.
Lisa
lisa j romesburg