how do i tell him
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how do i tell him
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:35pm |
I just found out i was pregnant. I took first response three times! all postitve! the first one a light pink line second one was dark as the first line and the third and light line! I am twenty years old! I need info in what to do! I also dont know how to tell the guy! Please help me i am very scared. thanks in advance!

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Hi baybgirlie,
Welcome to our board - we are glad you took the time to stop by and ask us for advice - you have certainly come to the right place since there are so many single moms here.
First of all, I know that you were not planning this pregnancy, and I don't know anything about you, but I can say that as a mom, my son is the most precious thing in my life and I am so thankful that I have him. I cannot imagine my life without him. I was planning my pregnancy but I did have the same reaction as you - I retook the test several times because I could not believe it!! I don't think you could ever feel ready at first.
I think the first priority now is you and the baby. Not just the guy. Do you have a support system of friends and family? There are many single moms on here who have raised their kids alone and have done great - even some who had twins!! (Donna, Cat, Becky - where are you??)
But you did just ask about the guy. There is no "easy" way to tell him - you just have to get face to face with him and spill it out. He might seem okay with it or he might not. You have to be ready for anything.
How long have you known him? Tell us more.
You will be okay. Just take each day one at a time and try not to worry your head with what "might" be. You can find a lot of support here on this board - more of the moms will post after Monday - a lot of them only have internet access at work.
Hello and welcome!
Now take a breath. I know you must be scared to death since you found out but, as Judy said, that is the same for all first time mothers. When I found out about my first pregnancy I was 27 and married and I was still so panicked when I saw the stick that I had to kneel down and ask God to calm me! I have 3 kids now (I have a set of those twins) and they are very young (girls are 4 and my son is 2) and their father and I are divorced. He is in their lives but it isn't like a full time dad. But we are doing ok, even thriving. It is DO-ABLE. Of course it can be terrifying to think of all the responsibilities that come with parenting but you don't have to do them all at the same time. Life happens bit by bit and you have the skills you need at the time you need them- somehow. Family support has been invaluable for me. Start to gather your resources.
Also, as Judy pointed out, you have as much to look forward to as to worry about. There is something indescribable about children. You are that child's world. When your own child smiles at you, puts his hand on your face, or tells you she loves you, your heart just seizes up. The love that you feel for your own children is almost too much to handle. It's a beautiful thing.
Don'jump to conclusions about how your boyfriend will react. And don't worry about that too much now. Who knows, things may just end up better than you thought they would.
Amy
Telling the guy is never easy. I was married and got pregnant accidentally. We, for sure, were not trying and money was tight. I could not believe that the test was "positive". I told my husband that I was pregnant and he thought I was kidding. Then, he asked me if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. (btw, i'm no longer married to this guy and we both love our son).
You'll just have to tell the guy, especially if you're in a good relationship with him. He will be shocked and might think you're joking. He might suggest terminating the pregnancy. Very few men are excited when they first hear the news of an unplanned pregnancy. But, he might warm up to the idea after a day or so. You can tell him over the phone if you're nervous about his reaction. At least that way, you won't be in the same room with him.
***BUT*** if you are not on good terms with the father already, if he's kind of a jerk or has a temper...you do not have to tell him. You can make the decision on your own. Some men get angry at the thought of child support, etc...
One thing is for sure, the pregnancy will not make a rocky relationship better.
First of all, you do have options about this pregnancy and you need to sit and weigh all the positive and negative aspects of each. You will have to decide whether to keep the baby and raise it (possibly alone), carry the child full term and put it up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy now. The decision you make will ultimately be YOURS alone, so do not allow anyone else to force you one way or another.
I would encourage you to make your decision before you talk to this guy. If you are sure about what you want to do, you can approach him with, "I want you to know that I am pregnant, and this is what I've decided to do..."
Good luck
Alison
Thank you everyone for your responses! I like the idea that knowing what i want and just saying "I am pregnant and my decision is to..." Unfortantly i will not be having the baby so i dont know if I should even tell him! But its expensive $450 and i am going to him to actually ask for help with that! He is not my boyfriend! Please continue to help with more comments. As per my support I can't tell my parents they will KILL me and only one person knows my best friend!
very scared!!
baybgirlie
Babygirl,
I don't think you should make a decision like that so fast. I respect that everyone has their own opinion about abortion. But you have to consider that there are heavy emotional scars that you will have for life. Additionally, it is a serious procedure that could leave you infertile.
I bet your parents would rather you tell them.
I think you should think about this for a few days. Often times when something bad happens, you go through many stages until you get to acceptance. Make sure you are thinking clearly and not just in the initial denial stage of wanting to make the problem go away.
I would think about it for a few days before you talk to that guy, if at all since he is probably not going to be supportive - he will only think of himself.
Are you in school? Can you talk to a counselor?
It's ok to admit that you made a mistake and ask for help, even from your parents. If you have decided that you're not ready for a child and want to terminate, I urge you to tell your parents, you will need their love and support on this one. I do know women who terminated when they were younger and all were very upset about the experience. I have been told that your body will go into grieving mode for the baby it's *lost*, so having those around you understand what you're going through will make the transition easier.
Whether you ask him for some money or not is up to you. It is YOUR body and you have to choose what is best for you. I know some people are really for and some are really against termination, but YOU are going to have to live and deal with your choice.
If you do terminate, I wish you the strength to learn from this experience. You do need to be careful with your body- having casual encounters can give you MANY things, pregnancy being one of them, STD's being another. Was this guy just a casual encounter, a friend with benefits or a guy you only dated a few times? You need to protect yourself, no one else is going to be looking out for your best interest except you! It's great to get a guy's attention and have fun flirting with him, but you should hold your standards higher before you sleep with them now.
After I had my son and I left his dad, I viewed dating in a whole new way. Since I knew all about pregnancy having been through it, and the hard facts of being a single mom, I didn't want to have another baby with just anyone. So it made me think twice if I was out with the girls at the bar and I was being hit on- as a teenager I admit to having had a few casual encounters- but I found myself thinking, "what if I got pregnant with this man?" And it made me realize that I didn't want to sleep with a guy that I couldn't see myself having a child with, (I do use birth control, but that can fail).
So if you're not on birth control, please see your doctor about getting on it. Please use condoms as a secondary method. If you're with a guy that says he doesn't like condoms, tell him you're not sleeping with him then, simple as that. You have to put up the boundary to ensure you're protected and you cannot allow anyone to beat it down with childish behaviour.
I know it's a hard time for you and I do wish you the best. I also encourage you to be honest with your parents and ask for emotional support.
Alison
Babygirlie,
I believe that the decision to terminate a pregnancy should be a decision made between the woman, her doctor, and her God.
Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p
Occasional lurker to this board chiming in...
I've had a child, and I've also aborted. It's not something to be proud of, but you don't need to feel ashamed of it either. My parents have no idea and I intend to keep it that way, but it might be different if you are living at home (I don't know your situation).
Do you have any medical insurance? If you are on your parents insurance it still might be able to cover the procedure at least partly. You are over 18, your medical information is private and legally your parents have no access to it, call the insurance co for specifics. Or, there are also programs like medicaid that can help. Since I was low income, my $300 abortion was knocked down to $180 if I remember correctly. Planned parenthood (or similar clinic) should be able to provide info on those options.
As for emotional scars, yeah, it's a really sucky experience to go through, but everyone I know personally who's had abortions, have no regrets, knowing it was the best & only choice for the situation. Carrying a child to term (whether to keep or offer for adoption) results in a WHOLE LOT MORE permanent emotional impact, not to mention physical effects as your body will NEVER be the same. Infertility from abortion is EXTREMELY rare - all surgical procedures considered, abortion is one of the safest (and most certainly safer than pregnancy). Do your research, get the information, and check out iVillage's 'abortion support' board, I believe it's under the health section. Good luck honey!
Terminating a pregnancy is not easy. Especially, when you eventually have a child that you decide to keep. I know this from my best friend. She terminated a pregnancy in college and although she believes in a woman's right to choose, she's still haunted by it some 14 years later. It was especially difficult for her when she was pregnant with the daughter that she had after she was married. She still talks about the baby that could have been, especially since she's a mother now and knows what that is all about.
The father of this baby will be delighted that you're terminating. Even still, he might not help pay for the abortion. He won't offer any sympathy. He'll be glad that you're going away without giving him much fuss. You will have to live with it.
Maybe you should tell your parents, at least your mom.
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