how do i tell him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
how do i tell him
21
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:35pm
I just found out i was pregnant. I took first response three times! all postitve! the first one a light pink line second one was dark as the first line and the third and light line! I am twenty years old! I need info in what to do! I also dont know how to tell the guy! Please help me i am very scared. thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 7:51pm
Well i do go to college! I don't think those counsls are there for those decisions so i wont be talking to them! The guy and I are friends with benefits. The last comment how you said they guy will be happy your doing this and may not give me the money well thats what i am thinking and thats why i am not sure to even tell him i dont think he will feel sorry for what has happen and i think he just planly wont care! I also dont think he will give any money but thats the biggest problem right now because i dont have $450! i go to school live with my parents and only work a part-time job! I think my decision is best for me i have put thought into this. I can barley support myself how could i with the child. i know every year to the date of the abortion i will be thinking of the mistake i did but i wanna have a baby with someone i love and when i can give the babyall i can! I want to that phonenixmama(what you said was very helpful as well as everyone else but i felt like she was the first to understand me and my decision about the abortion) I have two friends who had abortions and i was so against it i told my friends how could you ever do such a thing but now that i am in this situation i see why and i understand. I also wont be having the baby and giving it up for adoption! but can i still get pregnant even after an abortion or will i have problems?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:47pm

If you are wondering if your mom would support you, you could talk to her about your friends and see her reaction. Explain how you didn't understand when they were going through that, but now you can see that they made the right choice and see what she says. If she agrees, then confide in her. Having her support would be a good thing for you while you go through this, and she could help you with the cost. You and her could agree together whether to tell your dad or keep it between the two of you. The other option is telling your friends and seeing if they could help you out, financially and by being there for you. It sounds like they would certainly understand if they've BTDT.

I don't ever post about this, but I had an abortion when I was 19. I was set on having the baby but then my bf and my mom both said I shouldn't, and they were both adamant about it. They were the two people I needed support from to make it work, and I figured if I didn't have their support I could not do it. Sometimes I wish I could have made a different choice, but for the most part I think it was the right one. It helps that my mom went with me and that I can talk to her about it even now if I needed to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:33pm

Honestly, I think you should tell the guy and ask him for half the money. He was just as willing a partner in having sex, he should help bear the cost. Why do you have to come up with the money all on your own? It may be hard for you to tell him, but he does have a right to know, since he is the father, and YOU have a right to ask him for the money.

I also encourage you to talk to your parents about the situation. Even if they are angry, they still love you and will want what is best for you. Since you are still living at home, you should be honest with them, so they understand when you don't feel like getting out of bed for a week.

You haven't made a mistake, there's nothing to feel ashamed of. You are an adult, and you had sex, and the result was an unplanned pregnancy. Since you are not in a position that you feel you could raise the child yourself or go through a full pregnancy, you have decided to terminate. When the time is right for you, you will have a child (as long as there are no complications in the future) and you will be ready for it when it comes. Terminating your pregnancy will not cause you to become sterile, but I wouldn't recommend using it as a form of birth control- I know a girl who's had it done three times. You want to be careful and use protection.

So sit down with your parents, and say (first ask them not to interrupt until you're done), "Mom, dad, I have something to tell you, and I'm going to need your love and understanding. I've made my decision on how I will deal with the situation, but I want to be honest with you and share this with you. I'm pregnant and I am going to terminate the pregnancy, but I don't have all the money towards the procedure, would you be able to help me?"

Good luck
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:36pm

You have gotten some good responses here. I do urge you to become informed - here is a good information site that presents only the scientific facts to your question about being able to become pregnant and carry another baby to full term:
http://www.afterabortion.info/complic.html

Additionally, there are other ivillage boards that deal specifically with this topic - while we love to help, we are a board that is dedicated to single moms trying to date.

Here you go:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhabortion

Good luck to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:20pm

Best wishes. I hope you make it through this okay. I'm not giving you a hard time because I have a lot of compassion for your situation. This has nothing to do with the pregnancy. This is just me (a 30-something mom) giving advice to young college girl. Do not do the the FWB thing. I went to college and I remember there was a lot of that going on, even in the early 90's. My last year of college, I decided to not date. It was the by far the best year of college for me. I hung out with friends, went to parties, had a great time and I didn't have to worry about some guy messing things up for me.

The guy in your situation doesn't even sound like a friend to you. A friend would help out. Only have sex with guys who will give you the respect you deserve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:07pm

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Edited 5/17/2005 5:37 pm ET ET by phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:52pm

Phoenixmama,

Thank you for taking the time to come out of lurkerdom and offer support.

I offered her the best stats I could find to make her realize that their are risks. I did not look at the about us - only to search in google for complications. I know there are risks because my friend is a gynecologist and she sees some hard luck cases that are very sad. The advice on here is purely anecdotal - meaning - "I was okay maybe you would be okay" - and that is great, but there are risks involved that she has to think about.

Additionally I wanted to direct her to the ivillage board she really needs so she could get more information that is specialized to her needs.

This is a delicate topic that is sure to rattle many nerves before the days end. And it is now off topic for our board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:22am

The web is full of fanciful information when it comes to medical care, and abortion is more prone to it than most because of the moral debates for and against it.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 10:14pm

Lurker here, decided to give my two cents.

I became pregnant when I was 20, in college, working part time, and living with my parents as well. I completely understand your situation, and I'll share how I dealt with it.

Terminating the pregnancy was never an option in my mind, and it was really hard telling those close to me that I was going to have a baby. The morning sickness was so terrible, my mom figured it out when I was only 1 month pregnant. She actually called me on it before being pregnant had ever crossed my mind. She took my dad out of town for dinner a month later and told him on the way home while they were trapped in the car. It's really not that bad, it's actually a relief after they know. The father and I dated seriously for 2 years, but had been on and off for the year previous to my pregnancy. We were dating during conception, but were already broken up when I took the pregnancy test. I told him in person, and it really wasn't as horrible as anticipated. We tried to get back together while I was still pregnant, but things just didn't work. A couple months after my daughter was born, we decided we just weren't the same people as we were 4 years ago and to go our separate ways.

All I want you to consider before you make any decision is that you can juggle everything going on in your life and raise your child. It will be hard, yes, but it is possible. In order to stay on my parents' medical insurance, I couldn't take even a semester off school. I had my daughter late in October, took two weeks off, and returned to class. That was a 4.0 semester. Granted, the next semester was a little rougher, but professors do understand. If you decide to carry this child, you can mature amazing amounts in 9 months. There will be sacrifices, it's going to take me 5.5 years to complete a degree that only takes 4 years for most people. But, I am fortunate to have amazing support from my family, something I never expected. And it's actually turned out really great, my daughter has spent the last 18 months getting closer to her grandparents than many kids ever get to. I don't have much of a social life, but I prioritize my responsibilities so that I can give her the best life possible. I again stress that it's not easy, but I have maintained a 3.63 GPA, I just obtained an internship with a great local company, and my daughter and I are going to have a good life.

I'm not you, and I can't make your decision, nor do I think it is my place to judge others. I just thought maybe it would be helpful for you to hear a story about somebody in a similar situation, what choices were made, and what the outcome was.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 10:26pm
All that, and you will have finished college younger than I was when I finished. I didn't have my dd until I was 29, several years after graduating from college. Finishing in 5.5 years and while being a mom is a wonderful accomplishment.

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