How do you juggle it all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
How do you juggle it all?
9
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:55pm

Hi, I'm new here and about to go crazy!!! My divorce just became final 12 days ago, but I've been separated for a year. I have 2 kids, ages 6 and 2 and I'm 29. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and completely secluded me for the 8 years of our marriage. I had no friends and no contact with the outside world except for my family and of course work. It was by the grace of God that I finally got the courage to leave and find a wonderful new job thru which I met my boyfriend of 8 months. I've also begun to make friends and I've lost 70 pounds this past year. I also just started going back to school.

So, things are definitely better than they were a year ago, but I am having a really hard time adjusting to being independent. Today my car broke down and I had to put it in the shop (and I do NOT have the money for that right now). And then my cell phone fried and I have no home phone. My boyfriend's daughter from a previous marriage is visiting from out of town and he won't let me meet her yet (that's a long story in itself! I can sum it up in 2 words: commitment issues) so when my car broke down I had to call my ex and bf got really mad, but what else was I supposed to do? I couldn't call bf because he had his daughter with him and I'm not allowed to meet her. He calls me clingy and needy, but then when I do what I need to do to take care of my problems without his help he gets mad. And my kids just started a new day care and my 2 yr old is having a REALLY hard time with it and I am so broken up about that I can't stand it. Then I checked the mail today and I owe my lawyer more money, along with everyone else I owe money to.

A year ago I had a crappy marriage, but I lived in a beautiful home and I was a stay at home mom (at least for the 1st year of my 2 yr old's life). Now I live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I've had to put my kids in a horrible daycare because it's the only place I could find with an opening within reasonable distance. I have a pseudo relationship with this wonderful guy who says he loves me but doesn't want to commit. I haven't seen him for days and I miss him so much, but he wants me to be super-independent, so I don't dare tell him I miss him. I don't dare let him know how stressed out I am or tell him that I am at the end of my rope. I am finding myself and I do consider myself independent. I'm amazed at how far I've come in the past year. I like living on my own and having control of my own life, but sometimes it just gets to be too much and I need someone to talk to.

Is this what dating is all about? With all this going on in my life, am I really expected to suck it up and be cool all the time? I dated a few guys casually before bf and I got together and I found the same expections from them as well. Or perhaps wanting a man who will be there for me when I need him makes me needy?? And just how do you juggle dating and kids and work and school and bills and all the other stress?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 6:11am

Hi there, Lostbee4! It sounds like you have hit a rough patch. We've all been there, and some of us are still working through them. Life's constantly throwing them our way.

So, bummer about the car. And the cell phone. And owing your lawyer more money. But those things are just things, and while I know it doesn't seem like it right now, money problems tend to work themselves out. Just keep keeping on, and somehow you WILL get through this.

As far as the boyfriend issues, if he's got committment issues, is that his problem, or yours? What I'm trying to say is, do you want to be with him badly enough to put up with his "man-crap" as another poster puts it... after 8 months of dating him, he's still not ready to let you meet his daughter, he's still not the guy you can call when you have car trouble, you still can't count on him to be there for you when you need him. So, if you are willing to deal with that, you are, but if it's simply because you'd rather be with anyone than be alone ( and trust me girl, I've so been there, and it's not healthy for you at all) you need to let this one go, because there's someone out there who's a better fit for you.

I think even though we all heal at different speeds, we're all ready to start over again at different rates, you have so much going on in your life right now. Finding yourself now might be in order. You said a year ago your life was really different. But were you any happier. Juggling all the things a single mom needs to juggle is hard. The fact that you didn't have anyone close to you during your marriage makes it even tougher for you, because now you don't have a good support system to lean on. But you can make new friends, and your children can adjust to daycare.

It's just new to them. Is the place safe? Are they being well cared for? As long as that's all on the up and up, they'll adjust. And so will you.

Please stick around, we love to have you, and I know the others will have great advice too.

Moody- who's done so much juggling she could join a circus


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:19am

Hi Bee,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 2:22pm

Hi and welcome to our board! I have been divorced for 4 years after being married for 21. Talk about an adjustment! I too went from lots of material things (big house, boat, camper etc) to living in an apartment and starting over. But, trust me, peace of mind and happiness far outway material things.

I agree with the others about dating. One of the biggest mistakes I made was dating 5 months after my divorce. You need to step back and get your family's life in order and stable. You have alot on your plate with 2 kids, a job, going to school and losing weight! Concentrate on providing a stable home for your kids. You will figure out the ins and outs of single parenting and how to take care of things on your own.

Don't worry about dating at this point. Most first dating relationships after a divorce are just a transitional thing and don't last. Stick around. The ladies here are very supportive and have lots of BTDT advice!
Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 7:40pm

Thank you all for the kind advice and words of wisdom. You are so right. Of course I don't want you to be right - what I want is for bf to be my knight in shining armour who wants to take me away from all this. <<>> Time to step out of the fairy tale and do what needs to be done! If you think about it Cinderella and Snow White, et al were pretty wimpy characters and bad role models for little girls because they always depended on a man to save the day. That's why I'm glad my girls have Bratz and Spongebob...oh wait, not really. Hmm, guess that leaves me to be their strong feminine role model. Crap. I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:49pm

Hi Lostbee4 and welcome to our board. Glad you found us. Hope you keep on coming back and participate in our discussions.

You have such excellent answers here. I loved reading them and agreed with all of them.

I think you have realized that the only person who can be your knight in shining armor is you. You have to fill yourself. It will happen - bit by bit and day by day. You will become stronger and happier. And then best of all, you will become pickier - and you won't put up with any more commitment phobe types that just want sex and don't want to bring you into their life and treat you like you are very important to them.

Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:32am
>>>....I haven't seen him for days and I miss him so much, but he wants me to be super-independent, so I don't dare tell him I miss him. I don't dare let him know how stressed out I am or tell him that I am at the end of my rope. I am finding myself and I do consider myself independent. I'm amazed at how far I've come in the past year. I like living on my own and having control of my own life, but sometimes it just gets to be too much and I need someone to talk to.

Is this what dating is all about? With all this going on in my life, am I really expected to suck it up and be cool all the time? I dated a few guys casually before bf and I got together and I found the same expections from them as well. Or perhaps wanting a man who will be there for me when I need him makes me needy?? And just how do you juggle dating and kids and work and school and bills and all the other stress?<<<


Wow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:57am

Hi lostbee

It definitely takes time to adjust to a life post-divorce. On the one hand, it is exciting and empowering to be out of a marriage that was not working, but on the other hand there are many challenges and changes that we probably had not thought of while still in the marriage. My biggest personal challenge was/is finance - I was clueless as I had never been responsible for the financial side of anything, as my ex-husband was very good at handling money issues, and I was more than happy to let him sort out everything.

But, I believe that when you have to do something, you get some superhuman strength from somewhere, a bit like when adrenaline kicks in in a frightening situation. So you can, and will, get through this sticky patch, quite simply because you have to.

It sounds like you are already doing a great job and I am sure you are a fantastic role model to your girls - just look at everything you have already started to achieve. And when the time is right, and you are strong, confident and comfortable with yourself, that is when somebody lovely will come along. And he won't be a knight in shining armour because you won't need one. He will be someone who loves and respects you for who you are, what a great mum you are, and all that you have achieved. And that person will be there to help you out when you need it - that's a precious and essential part of a healthy normal relationship.

For now, it's time for you and your girls.

C. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 7:15am

OOOH, I have thoughts on

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 10:18am

Lostbee,

There are two issues here at work.

1. You are dating too soon. But, I have to admit that I did the same thing. I started dating someone when I was separated. You will feel so much better after a year has passed after your divorce is final. My divorce process took 2 years. It wasn't until it was final and an additional year had gone by that I felt like ME again.

2. You are dating Mr. No-Commitment. I dated him once too. It took 7 months for me to realize that he was emotionally distant and I wasn't the problem. Dating him, I felt like I had to play the part of the Cool Chick. "Don't want to call me for days on end??? Sure. Fine. I'm cool with it." ****WRONG**** That is not what dating is about.

I think you will feel better about things if you can stop dating for a while and focus on your kids. Have some fun with them and adjust to the new life.