How do you start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
How do you start?
13
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:56am

I've been separated for about 6 months now. I'm ready to dip my foot in the dating pool--
but it's been a loooong time!

Obviously, I need to break out of my shell a bit to meet people. Basically all I do is work and come home. Nothing much in between.

Any stories on how you first ventured into the dating world after your split? I need
pointers!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: kimjola
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:49pm

I wouldn't date while separated. It feels like you're ready, but until you're finished with all of the legal crud you really aren't ready.

If you do decide to date at this time, I have one word of advice. After a recent split, people tend to date the polar opposite of their ex. I did this and, trust me, the complete opposite is not a good choice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:38pm

Welcome!! You have come to the right place.

I agree with this post. While it might be tempting to start dating and have companionship, you really need to put your life in order and become happy on your own so you will make good decisions in the dating world.

Here are some good links from our home page:
http://singlemom-ivill.tripod.com/

It could be good for you to find new friends and activities so you do not feel alone - and maybe you will end up meeting someone nice further down the road. But whatever you decide we are always here to support you!!

How close are you to getting your divorce?

(edited to add link from home page)




Edited 11/3/2005 7:47 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:52pm

I think it's great that you are coming out and looking to take some chances in the social arena.

Personally, I don't think I would focus on dating so soon not because you are separated but b/c you said:

"Obviously, I need to break out of my shell a bit to meet people. Basically all I do is work and come home. Nothing much in between."

Try making new social activities for yourself where you are exposed to lots of new people and new activities. Depending on what your hobbies are the activities can range from book clubs, cooking, auto repair, classes at a local museum or Happy Hour with friends. Pretty much anything that puts you in front of new people.

Also try something you've never done before. This past month I went white water rafting. I was "dramatically" convinced I would hurt myself or more...So nervous that I couldn't crack a smile before the first rapid. It was the most amazing experience and I felt such an great sense of accomplishment. I've already booked my trip for next year...Also, I met great people as well. I also learned to wakeboard and play golf (my ex-h rolled his eyes at that one b/c he's a golfer:-)in my "spare" time post divorce.

When you are ready to tip your toe in the dating pool...you'll know because you will have created different social experiences and will have that to draw off of. Dating can be tough and the first go and even after that.

Keep posting and let us know how things go!
S~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:58pm

While I would caution you to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers, if you feel you're ready to begin dating, it's your own choice.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:21pm

We actually have no set divorce plans as of yet. Truth be told...I would file tomorrow. I have been done with the marriage for a long time. He moved out in July and at this point we just do not talk about what the future holds. On the rare occasions that we do, he goes back and forth between accepting the inevitable..(divorce) and saying that we may be able to work it out someday.

I am trying to handle it all as delicately as possible. And I certainly don't want to rub his nose in anything...or the fact that I really want to meet new people, including men.

We have a 13 year old son. There has been a transition for him, of course. His dad is at the house most days to see him, though. I am trying to convince him that it is now time to start having our son over to his OWN place once a week. He is making excuses as to why he does not want to have him over. I think having him over actually makes it REAL. Taking him to his new home seals the deal, so to speak.

I feel ready to start dating. Maybe it is just to know I am still desirable. I got married sooo young, without any prior experience with guys. It is all so foreign to me.

Thanks for the input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:16am
You're ready to move on but your ex isn't, all the more reason to wait before dating. Your ex because he's not ready could cause problems for any furture relationship. You need to finalize your situation before moving on. I waited 3 years after I was divorced to go on my first date. It took that long for me to be ready (therapy;etc). I think you need socializing more than dating anyway. I would urge you to strongly insist that your ex take your son over to his place. I've been divorced 9 years and my ex just takes her for 3 hours every Saturday, that's it! He never takes her to his place, and now that she's older she dosen't want to go (He lives like a pig-she's a young lady now, she dosen't like that). As a result I can't have a social life, I work long hours all week, so the weekend would be my only chance. I don't have a sitter(non existant where I live), and my family is supper far away. He loves the arangement, he gets to have a life, and legally I can't make him take her for more time, I'm stuck till she's an adult! So I urge you to take care of that issue ASAP. Although don't be surprised if he finds out you're going out, all of a sudden he becomes vindictive and dosen't want to take his son.
Bottom line you need to tighten your loose ends before moving on.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 12:53pm

I couldn't agree with this post more - it has a lot of helpful insight.

Taina, I do think it will get better sooner than you think - as your dd grows she will do more things with friends and give you little bits of time. I do wish you well - your story is a tough one for sure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 8:40pm

It's barely been three months since he's moved out, he's always over *visiting* and he's said he wants to try to work it out.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:39pm

You guys are great and I appreciate you telling me the things I know I need to hear!

You are correct in saying that my ex is not as ready for this as I am. Truth be told, my feelings changed a long time ago. Our son kept me from initiating any sort of separation or split. He was too young and, honestly, until earlier this year I was just content to believe I had to suck it up until he was 18.

Then I met a guy who I developed a mad, intense crush on. NOTHING ever happened with this man...he showed no interest and I was still technically married.
But, when I developed these feelings, I KNEW I had to make the break. It was not fair to my husband or to me. I could not give him what he needed or wanted. It got to the point I could not even physically be with him anymore. He deserves better than that. I hate that we grew apart and my feelings changed--I would give ANYTHING to have them back again and make life easier if nothing else. But, it is what it is.

When the separation was decided on, my husband made it clear in no uncertain terms that if he even got an inkling that I was seeing other men--it could get ugly. Now, I would NEVER have a man over to the house or around our son. He is 13 and does not need to see his mother dating men. I would not let that happen.
My ex is the only man I have ever been with...and he holds that dear. It was cute when we were 20, but pushing 40, I just wish he could get past it. Because that is ALL he is holding onto. He acknowledges that the marriage went bad and that we were unhappy. He can't get past the idea of me being with other guys, though. And I would never be cruel enough to ever rub his face in it.

But it is what it is. I WANT to date people. I have a need to see what it is like to be with other men. My husband and I were great together as kids...it's the adult part we have always had issues with.

It's hard all the way around. I know I have to tread carefully....and I truly appreciate all the input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 9:03pm

Knowing all of this that you post, I would say you need to take a little break on the dating idea so you can "get to the other side" in one piece. You will definitely have to keep your feelings to yourself now and just finish the divorce/custody/visitation - that stuff. It would absolutely NOT make any sense to jeopardize any of that until you are done.

After you have all that in place, then you can start to look. But you will always have to keep your private life private. It will take your exh some time to get over this and on with his life. I think you have to respect that - and manage it for the sake of your child.

I did find that I had to set new boundaries with exh - like you can't just waltz into the house, we are not always at your beck and call and you have to be organized and let us know what you are doing with the schedule. I also made sure I was not chatty with him - it is all business so to speak - we only talk about my son.

5 years later it is pretty much okay. I am not saying it will take you this long - but it will take you some time and you don't want to jeopardize peace or progress with dating. The dating scene is not really all that exciting - it has its own set of challenges and problems. It is certainly not what you remembered it to be.

Stick with us - check in from day to day and participate - you will learn a lot. Get some good books on dating and relationships. Get divorced - then you will be very ready to weather the storm.

Cheers and best wishes!!

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