How do you start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
How do you start?
13
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:56am

I've been separated for about 6 months now. I'm ready to dip my foot in the dating pool--
but it's been a loooong time!

Obviously, I need to break out of my shell a bit to meet people. Basically all I do is work and come home. Nothing much in between.

Any stories on how you first ventured into the dating world after your split? I need
pointers!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 9:59pm

I know that dating and all that goes with it would be total calamity at this point. And there is the definite element of wanting and needing to know that men actually may want to go out with me which fuels it!

The first baby step out the gate was a lusty crush on a buyer of mine. Nothing ever materialized, he showed no interest, and it caused me some angst. I mean...WHY COULDN'T HE WANT ME??? And the insecurity that goes along with that. This situation goes to show how out of the loop I am after having been married for so long.

Ex knows I want to see people. Maybe there is a small hope in me that if I actually do go out and see that the grass really isn't greener on the other side--I may develop feelings for him again. I don't see it happening, if I am honest with myself. The feelings died a long time ago. As much as I feel like a fish out of water in a lot of ways, I in NO way regret splitting up--even if I don't meet anyone else for a long time.

We definitely have to get some sort of arrangements made in regards to our son. I don't think it is too much to ask to want him to take him one night a week. Not just so he has the full responsibility for one full day---but mostly so they can grow closer, and have their own time on their own territory.

I guess there is a reason none of this is easy. It's not supposed to be!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 11:28am

No one said it would be easy :)


Like Judy said, you have to set FIRM boundaries with your ex.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: kimjola
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 11:06pm

I know what you mean about your feelings for being wanted. I think we all want that.

I wish you all the best to get through this.

There is nothing you can really do to get your exh to take your son for more than one day. What I have learned about this is not to expect exh to ever really help or be dependable or to have my values as a parent. He has to have his own values. Over time he has come to realizethat HE is the one missing out when he doesn't see DS - it is not a matter of helping me - it is a matter of him being in DS's life. I think your EXH would see that over time too - but I do really think he has to see it on his own.

I am always really busy with DS and when I want to go somewhere I take him with me. DS has great stories about all the things we do. And from this, XH feels left out and then he steps up to the plate.

I know the courts can set up visitation days. But there is nothing you can really do to make them stick. And it is heart breaking when a child expects a parent to come and he either comes late or not at all. So my point is that you have to be careful not set your child up for this heartbreak or put him in the middle.

I think it helps to just be as positive as you can and make sure you enrich your child's life as best you can - then whatever the other parent does is gravy. It is hard - but as my therapist said, "welcome to the world of a single mom - yes - it sucks - but that is the way it is."

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