How do you tell your baby...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
How do you tell your baby...
10
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 9:20am
That their father doesn't want to be a part of their life. I am pregnant. I'm 4 1/2 months. I broke up with my BF in January but we were still having sex. I found out I was pregnant in March. Anyway, after serious consideration I decided that when the baby is born I will take the father up for childsupport. I informed him of my decision and his response was he doesn't want anything to do with us. His money should be enough. I'm not even going to ge on my soapbox about how terrible a thing that is to say and do. I need to focus on my baby and how I am going to explain the absence of a father figure. So many children are made at the world because they don't have fathers and they feel incomplete. I need to know what to say that isn't going to have him or her blamming me for the missing piece or hating him for being the missing piece. I want a happy, healthy, succesful and emotionally stable child. I don't even know how to be a single parent but I'll learn. This is my first and I had a two parent home. Any advice from you single mommies?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 12:19pm

my son is four and he hasnt seen his father since he was 6 weeks old i havent said anything to him about it yet. he hasnt put the father mother thing together yet and i'm not going to say anything till he asks. if he asks where his father is i'm just going to tell him that he lives far away (which true he moved to oklahoma i live in new hampshire) and if he asks why he doesnt see him i m going to tell him that he wasnt ready to be a father yet but he has lots of people who love him and take care of him. i dont say anyting bad about him in front of my son nor do i let anyone else. when he is older if he wants to talk to him i'm just going to call him and ask him if he wants to talk to his son if not then i'll come up with something then. i'm going to let him come up with his own opinion. well thats my plan anyone due to change i'm sure. hopefully someday you ll find someone who wants to be a father to your child there are men out there like that. i'm with one right now.

good luck with the rest of your pregnacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 12:37pm

This is great advice.

The only thing I can add is that you made a wonderful decision to be a mommy. Don't let the lack of a daddy or negative thoughts ruin this experience. Worry about you and the baby - the rest will fall into place later on.

Hugs and best wishes and good luck. Welcome to our board - I hope you will stay and keep us posted. Do you know if it is a boy or girl? Tell us more!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:48pm

Hi babiejewel,
This is foremost on your mind right now...but try if you can to set it aside. Don't concern yourself so much right now about how to explain it to him or her. He/she isn't going to need that explanation for several years.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is concentrate on getting prepared and focus on the things you have the power to do. Start planning for you and your baby's future and how you're going to accomplish the things you want to do. Love your baby and give him or her a safe and happy home. Children don't suddenly wake up one day blaming their mothers for absent fathers. Don't blame yourself for your ex's choice and your baby won't blame you. When the time comes that he wants to know, I would take the same approach that dontknow2004 mentioned. Keep the message positive, no blame, just the truth in a gentle way. Be supportive.

I hope you'll stick around here, we could give you some great tips and hugs and support on being a single mom. :)

edited to add him/her since I don't know if your baby is a boy or girl. :)




Edited 6/24/2005 1:52 pm ET ET by orange_clouds
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 4:06pm

I think letting a child make up their own mind & form their own opinion about this is the best way to go. Kids are smart. They will figure it out on their own. My son is 7 & his father has only saw him 3 times since he was born, the last time was when he was 2, so I know exactly the situation you're in. Don't talk bad about your ex in front of your child, but don't sugar coat his behavior either. In other words, don't make excuses for him not being there. I always tell my son, "I don't know why your Dad doesn't come to see you. Maybe he will change his mind someday." It's a good idea to remember that your child's father could change his mind someday & want to be a part of his or her's life; so bad-talking your ex in front of your child doesn't create a good image for them.

Also, please stick to your guns about the issue of child support. Child support is still his responsibility whether or not you feel like you need it or not. I learned this hard way the first couple years of my child's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 6:32pm
You make a really good point about not making excuses for the father and letting the child form their own opinion, except I'm not sure I would add the part about the father maybe changing his mind one day. It certainly could happen, but I would not want to inadvertently set up that expectation for my child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 7:37pm

It is sad to imagine your child needing a father and not having one. But at this stage you have no idea what your child's life will be like. Some children are devastated by not having their father around, but I tend to think that happens more when they have their father in their lives and then lose him. Children who never know their fathers, well, I think it depends. Certainly children see what other children have and wonder why they don't have that. But you don't know, you could meet someone great when your child is 2 and your child might think of him as dad and never worry about his biological father. I think most children who are adopted at birth have questions and wonder about their biologial parents, that would be normal, but I don't think they necessarily have the same heartbreak that losing a parent you know gives you. I was (still am sometimes) devasted by losing my father when I was 11. My younger sister was not as bonded with my father (and him with her) and she doesn't have the same pain I have (by the time she came around my parents marriage was essentially over, and they just never really bonded). She has an emptiness where he should have been in her life, but it didn't have the same effect on her that it had on me (my sister is incredibly happy and never needed one day of therapy, I'm on my second go around). She has always been better able at putting his limitations into perspective (even when we were little kids, she could do that). My sister always seemed to know that his abense was more about him that it was about us, whereas I always felt rejected and abandoned. It wasn't his absense as much as it was the feeling of rejection and abandonment that has caused me so many problems personally.

The other thing is that not having a father is not only a symptom of divorce or unmarried parents. You could be married to the best man in the world, potential father of the year, and in a year he could die of a heart attack or be killed in a car accident. You can't focus too much on 'what if' because then you never learn to accept, live with, and make the best of 'what is.'

I was raised only by my mom, and I say if you are going to have one really bad (or absent) parent, at least have one really good, strong parent to make up for that. Some children are raised on terribly dysfunctional two parent homes, some children are abused and neglected in ways that would make you cringe. Some children have two really bad parents. Compare that to being raised by a loving single mom! Not having a father is sad, but it's not nearly the worst thing life can deal you. My mom is the best. I don't think she's ever really let me down, I can count on her and I am so incredibly blessed to have her. Words can't even describe how much I love and appreciate her.




Edited 6/24/2005 7:43 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 8:15pm
First - that is beautiful what you wrote - so so true about so many things in life. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:34pm
Thanks. And I'm going to try and take my own advice to accept 'what is.'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:38pm

Hugs! It's tough. It really is. But the truth is that it will probably be tougher on you than your baby. My children's father and I were married, and he actually lived with them when they were small. However, since we split, he has very little contact with them when he has a girlfriend. When he is between girlfriends, he calls 4 or 5 times a week and visits, so he can get the gratification of their attention. My son was hurt by all this because he remembers living with his dad. DD, on the other hand, doesn't remember living with him, and it doesn't phase her much at all. This is the life she is used to, and she actually sees whatever times her father pops up as disturbances in her routine. I try not to ever say anything negative about him in front of them. When they are adults, I will tell them whatever they want to know, and I will tell them the truth. When I was a kid, my parents split. My mother never missed an opportunity to bash my dad. He never said anything back. I eventually found out that my dad was the injured party in the split. I will always hold tremendous respect for him for never bashing my mother when he was the one in the right.

Good luck to you through the rest of your pregnancy. Remember, it's his loss. He will be the one who misses the first smile, the first steps, the hand drawn valentine cards in first grade, the sticky kisses and "I wuv you mama" and the little moments that make children the joy that they are.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 7:59pm

My advice? Don't worry too much about it. Your child will grow up with a loving mother, and yes, you could meet a great guy who is willing to step up to the plate that the biological father wouldn't. You're going to have your hands full enough caring for a new baby, and it will be a while before you start getting questions about a father. Be honest when the time comes, but don't overindulge them with explanations, and NEVER make excuses for the father. Your child will have to make up their own mind, and the less you say about it, the better. You don't want to tell your child their father didn't want to be there, or wasn't ready for fatherhood. You don't want to tell your child one thing and then have them meet their dad who tells them anything different. A simple, "the last time I talked to your dad was before you were born, and he lived in ____". (That's assuming you don't really talk to him after you get child support settled.)

Yes, he will be the one missing out on his own child's life. And if that's what he chooses, there's nothing you can really do. It's better to have him not in the picture than to try and force it on him. But I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH how important it is to get that child support in order! Even if he doesn't want to have anything to do with the child, he has a LEGAL obligation to provide for him/her. If he doesn't want to pay, he will have to give up his legal rights to the child, which will mean that if he was to change his mind later and want to be a part of the child's life, he could be denied. I would also suggest that you ask that his income be reviewed every year after he files his taxes so it can be adjusted accordingly- if he gets a raise, you should receive more support.

So have fun with your pregnancy, enjoy all the wonders of it as this life develops inside you. Enjoy all the wonderful firsts of your child's first year, and all the fun as they become their own person. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and hope you'll stick around!

Alison

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