how does everyone do it
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how does everyone do it
| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:17am |
Two years now being single, and though I have my moments, I am fairly stable. But not a single date. Not even coffee. I do want to date too. What am I doing wrong? I work with mostly men, and I have been described as beautiful by most of them during light conversations. Most make jokes about how I finished high school only last year (been nearly 20 years by the way) so I have been told I look quite young. I work in a professional environment and wear suits. I dress nicely, wearing silk scarves, high heels, coordinated jackets and skirts or pants. Skirts are always at the knee so I don't look like a librarian or unprofessionally short. I am completely self sufficient and not demanding, in that I own my own house and drive a nice car. Even so, if asked about my living or driving or financial arrangements, I politely brush it off as 'enough' and don't like to talk about it. So I don't feel I create some intimidating atmosphere that might scare guys away. Most people describe me as very nice. Maybe too nice? A formal dance is coming up at the beginning of the year. Imagine an opulent ball room in a royal palace, live music and formally dressed waiters serving champaign while couples waltz. They are taking reservations for it now. But though I have casually mentioned that I would like to go if I could only find a partner, not a single person jumped forward. It is difficult to take the initiative too since I have no idea who isn't married or unattached. But sadly, and I am definitely sad about it, I will not be joining the masses of happy couples that night. What do I do wrong?

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I TOTALLY agree with you. I think being content with who you are is the very best. There's no question of that. In order to be with anyone you have to first be happy alone. I'm the poster child for that my friend.
I just think that waiting around for something to happen when you're really ready for a relationship is ridiculous. Sitting around looking cute and waiting for your prince to show up is a waste.
But I'm with you on being content with where you are and NOT settling.
Well, I don't think you have to sit still - I think the key is getting out and doing as much as you can and expanding your social network as much as you can. I think it is just harder to meet new people as we age - and especially for dating because the dating pond has receded so much.
Some have tried online dating with success around here - but it wasn't for me - maybe it is more my age group.
I hope you stick around - we surely could use an ivy-league mom around here!!
I haven't done the online dating thing even though a couple of my dear friends have gotten married that way. I just don't have any interest.
I'm in the first week of ending a three year relationship and I feel like dating it is some foriegn language that I don't have the time or interest to pusue. I realize that breaking up in your late thirties is no more fun than when you're in your twenties.
I'm so glad to be able to talk to other single moms who are trying to find their way. I've actually decided to throw myself a single and fabulous party. I figure that everyone is always celebrating weddings and babies but no one celebrates single status so I'm going to give myself a big bash in the Spring (obviously, I don't think there will be a status change anytime soon!). My friends are all very excited by the idea.
I thought for sure I've mentioned this book. Actually West, most of what you say lines up with what this book is all about.
First part of book.... Step 1 - Talks about our "traffic pattern". The book suggests looking at where you go and what you do. Do you have the opportunity to meet new guys? I kept a log of my traffic pattern for about a couple weeks. I went to work, to church, bible studies, the grocery store... that was it... Not a good pattern for wanting to meet new guys and get dates. Looking at your pattern is a great step because then you can see if the problem is that you need to change your pattern. Well, that was one of my problems.
Step 2 - Start meeting 5 guys a weeks!! The book calls them "eligibles." It's a numbers game. The more guys you meet, the greater the chance of getting a date (worth keeping). This is in line with West's suggestion of "getting out there". Start keeping a log of eligibles. And to qualify as an eligible he has to 1) be someone you've never met before; 2) have a conversation, short but long enough to be interested; and 3) have a way to contact you in the future.
At this stage you are not looking for a date, you are looking to meet your quota. And one week I've even had to count a 2 yr old I met in my daughters nursery. Okay, so he doesn't really count... but i was having a slow week. The point is not thinking far ahead or thinking about who will be my next husband. Ya never know, the boy's dad might have been single. This is about the dating attitude. Like West always says, it's about having fun.
I'm really not doing the book justice, but I hope you are getting the idea. Everyone might discover something different, but for me, I discovered I was anxious about meeting guys. I discovered that I didn't have an open face or wasn't making eye contact. When I committed myself to this book experiment, I started doing new things, and breaking out of my old routines. Eye contact and smiling started to work wonders. It was that easy.
The book also talks A LOT about what is going on inside of us. Similar to what West said about feeling happy from within. Getting a date worth keeping starts with BEING a date worth keeping. This is something I do daily. I have a support group on Thursday nights that help me think about me and MY needs. So that when I'm on a date, I'm not looking for a guy to validate me, that's what my team is for...
Step 3 - Getting the Team Together. And I feel coming to this board is also a great support group. I'm thankful that I found this board!!
The rest of the book is great material. I'm constantly rereading it to refresh my attitude and not get discouraged. And one last thing, the book says commit to NOT getting serious with any one "eligible" for 6 months. Even if one stands out above the rest... be honest and tell him your doing an experiment or whatever. And continue to meet new eligibles every week for 6 months. Like I said, at about 2 months, I started getting dates. I'd say about 2-3 a month. And if you do the math, that's only 1 out of every 10 guys I'd say hello to... And I hope you haven't gotten it wrong.. I'm not asking guys out, neccesarily. I'm only saying hello, the guys pretty much do the asking, but I've made myself available. I've open myself up to the possibilities. Sure I've met a LOT of jerks and kissed a few frogs. I'm not sweattin' it. I'll keep getting out there. Meeting new eligibles (maybe not always 5 a week but I try). I'm happy with me, whether I'm dating or not dating. I'm enjoying life during this time of singleness. I'm growing as a person. I don't feel stagnant or feel restless. I just feel at peace and joyful.
If anyone does start reading the book... let me know. Maybe we could do a book study on this board and see how it goes for the next 6 months. One more thing, the book is heavily Christian. Not sure if that would offend anyone. Okay thanks for listening...
Love,
Loonybunny
Wow! This is a really great post for all of us!!
I think the traffic patterns are so important! And all of what you said is important - to play the numbers game and not settle with one too quickly.
VERY GOOD VERY GOOD!!
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