How to find time to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
How to find time to date?
7
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 11:56am
I was dating this really nice guy for about a month and everything was going great. I have a child so I have alot going on also this time of the year I'm busy with family parties. Well the guy said I never had time for him. I tried every weekend and somenights during the week to see him. Well we broke up and I got upset and still am. I think I'm more fustrated because will my furture dates feel the same way or do I really need to start saying NO to some functions. Any advise out there?
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:21pm

Whenever I date a single mom of young children I expect that I have to work around her schedule because she is usually the primary caregiver. I see our time is a matter of priorities. Most moms give their lives to their families at the cost of their own personal needs. Most have in their minds that they need to be with their children all the time and their children are better off that way.

I recommend in setting expectations with your dating partner for how much time and how often you two are going to see each other. You should know what priority you are assigning that time and plan accordingly. You may or may not want to do your family parties based on your negotiations with your date(s).

The key is communication and setting expectations.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:17pm

Good point - see it is great to have a man around the house!!

I think you have to find someone who has about the same expectation for time spent together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:25pm
I totally understand where you're coming from. I find it's a combination of time and money. And I hope others will help out here. My XH lives on the other side of the country so DD is with me 24/7. Between her activities, friends, supper, house/yard keeping, homework there's not a lot of time left over. And when I do have time there's no free child care from her father. And I don't like relying on friends who have their own stuff to do. A little while ago I read on this site that after a couple of months and you become exclusive that most coples see each other 2-4 times a week (and since kids shouldn't meet the new BF until waaay down the road) this becomes a very expensive when you add the cost of the outing and a babysitter multiplied 2-4 times. And even if I had all the time in the world I don't even know how I feel about going out that many times during a week - I don't want my daughter to feel neglected. But on the other hand how else are you to ever get to know someone if you can't spend time with them?? AArrrrgggg!How do the members here (in the same situation) get around all this??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:52pm

I think it depends on how old your daughter is, and how you feel about introducing them. Every situation is different--and you may not need to wait "a long time". So much has to do with the drama/loss that the kids have already experienced, and with your comfort level about having people over in your home.

For me, I introduce them when I want to see them on a more intimate/friend level--perhaps have them over for dinner. And, if it works out, and they feel comfortable with each other, that can continue (until things get serious...)--without labling the relationship to the child in any terms but "friends".

It can work--but it takes the right guy (I guess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:55am
I agree with the child meeting your bf to soon. But it is very hard to keep finding sitters even once a week. So why do I feel guilty about not having enough time for him!!! I shouldn't but I do. My last bf "friend" did come over for dinner and I thought everything was going good until I went to a party and he got mad at me for not calling him and trying to see him. What am I doing wrong? I'm a nice person and I hate fights. Should I call or should I wait for him to make the first move?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:20am

It sounds as though he's possessive and insecure. I would back off. It doesn't sound as though your relationship is moving in a healthy direction. If you don't like fights, and he's mad at you for doing something fun for you NOW, I think it's unlikely he'll be supportive in the future about you keeping your own interests going (which is really important!)

I backed off a relationship recently because he was too possessive, and he broke up with me. I was glad. Now I can be open to meeting someone a little healthier who wants the best for me.

Good luck,
Mary
(One thing I do for babysitters is to trade w/other moms/parents and alternate sleepovers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:18pm

Absolutely, it's a combination of time and money. I'm also a 24/7 parent, with no other parent in the picture to help- not only financially, but also to give me time for myself.

Luckily, I have parents who dote on my children and don't mind a sleepover about once a month. I also ship my children off to my brother's about twice a year for a long weekend. Other than that, it's swap with friends who have kids, hire a reliable teen to come over (I know several so that's not a problem) or never leave the house without the children.

I am not of a mind that I need to be with my children all of the time- in fact, since I am the only caregiver, I truly know the value of me time- for me and for them. They love their sitters and grandparents, and I love having a couple of hours off every week or so.

As for when they meet, I was pretty strict about my children never meeting any of my dates until I met funnyguy. There was simply no point in introducing them to people I knew weren't going to last in my life. When I met funnyguy, we talked for several weeks before we met, at least daily, and then went on about five actual dates before the kids met him. By most standards, this was awfully fast, but it has worked amazingly well for us, which proves that it simply depends on the guy and the situation and the relationship.

Good luck, and stick around!

Moody, who doesn't have to juggle nearly as much anymore


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