How to handle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
How to handle
8
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 5:03pm

Hello all. This is not really a dating question, more of a single parenting issue. You guys are so great at advice though that i thought i would throw it out there. my XH recently took me to court to get overnight visitation with my 2 kids, ages 2 and 5. he has been very sporadic with his current visitation schedule which is every other sunday from 10-6 and has a substantial child support arrears balance. so, i was shocked when the judge said that if he was consistent with his next 2 months of visits, he could have the kids overnight starting labor day weekend. he would have them from saturday at 4 to sunday at 6. i am sure that his girlfriend (who he hooked up with 3 weeks after leaving us) is the driving force behind all of this. we have been divorced for almost a year and the kids are always with me.

my issue is that i am having a hard time dealing with all of this. i was floored in court, but i do want what is best for my kids. i hope that he is serious and that he does want to form some type of bond, but my gut tells me this sudden interest is very temporary.

i keep trying to think that it can be positive that they have them overnight, since i have practically no time to myself as is. it's not working though and it is really starting to get me down.

sorry for the venting. any feedback would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jtbean
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 7:21pm

Dearest jtbean,

I do understand your pain with your ex and your divorce and his so soon gf. It stinks that he is not better at child support and that you have the whole burden.

It is the purpose of the courts to ensure that both parents have access to their children. So that is their main objective. They don't consider child support a factor in that matter.

I think you have to try to look at the positive side that their father is someone who loves them and has a positive (hopefully) effect on their lives.

Additionally, the time you will have free will be a huge break for you.

Maybe it would help you if you look at the child support and visitation as 2 entirely separate issues. Do all you can to get the child support paid on a regular basis and to collect the back owed money. Don't wait on this.

At the same time, do all you can to promote their bond with him and to help the visitation go smoothly. Help them to see that it is okay and good for them so they are not stressed. I am hoping that if you encourage a good relationship and make the father feel that he has an important part in their lives that he will get better about paying and visiting on time. Part of the reason he may not have been that good at it is because of his fear of conflict with you and not wanting to deal with it?

Try to think of all the things you will do for YOU while they are away. You can clean the house, go out with friends, take yourself to a movie, go shopping, listen to music in a bookstore, exercise, anything. Try to heal your pain from the divorce. Try to see how it has a purpose in your life and how you have a whole clean slate. You cannot do anything about what he does, but you can do a whole lot for yourself from now on.

I am sure a lot of other people will have kind words and good advice for you too!!

Hugs!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: jtbean
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 9:07pm

I agree with Judy, that as much as the child support IS an issue, it's a separate issue from the access and visitation of the children. I also agree that you should do all you can to push for that support to be paid on time and the back support to be paid off. Find out what you CAN do to get that support in your area, can you garnish his wages, put a lien on his house? Whatever you CAN do, get it done. And you won't need the costly lawyer, just find out the information for your area and then talk to the people at the court house on how to file for what you're doing. I did all my filing this way and it didn't cost me the lawyer's outrageous fees. And when I went to court, the judge seemed happier to deal with those who were representing themselves than dealing with the lawyers and their mumbo jumbo.

As for the visitation: DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. If he's supposed to be there at 10 to pick them up, write down the EXACT time he knocks on the door that day, and the EXACT time he's knocking to drop them off. Keep a journal, or write it right on your calendar. Write down if he calls that he's running behind or not- that's a big thing too. If he cancels, that's written down. If he wants to change the time to 11-7, write that down. Any time that you're talking to him, you should be logging down what time he called and what you discussed- and that goes for now, AND should he get the overnight visits.

So, if he does get overnight visits, you need to discuss whether he will be keeping some clothes and toys at his place for when they come or will you be providing an overnight bag? Basic items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, hairbrush, cold medicine, sippy cups, diapers, wipes- will he keep a set at his place?

Also, I would suggest that you two sit down and discuss the simple things like bedtimes, snacks, routines and discipline so you are consistent between the houses. I know that he does take them for some time on sundays, but I think it would be good to sit and talk these things over. Your kids need to know that the basic stuff will remain the same, but other things may be allowed at one place and not the other.

And I want you to promise that from now on, when your kids are with their dad that you will have plans to get out of the house and have some fun.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: jtbean
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 5:58pm

I can see where the girlfriend would be a factor in the nonpayment of child support, but not in the visitation thing. I think most girlfriends wouldn't want the kids visiting. It would cut into their time as a couple.

Just see how it goes. See if he can be consistent over the next two months. The judge wants to see if he can do it or not. He might not be able to keep it up for two months. If he does and gets the overnights, you can always go back to court if he fails to keep his visitation regular.

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jtbean
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:46pm

Hi JT
I agree with what everyone is telling you. I know it's hard to have this change but try to keep thinking of the positives. Most importantly, it will help your kids to have this time with their dad. And you get the benefit of having a Saturday night to do with as you please!
It sounds like you are also worried about what this will do to the kids if he starts this overnight thing and then ends up not following through. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him behave like he should. So do keep logs and do keep track of when he does and doesn't take his visitation but understand that all you can do is help keep the door to the kids dad open. Your kids will some day be old enough to understand that mom did try to do the right thing by them and love you all the more for it.

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
In reply to: jtbean
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 8:41pm

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was kind of in a situation like that a few months ago. I had a child with someone, not the person i call my child's father. Anyway, the man that is her real father wanted visitation with her, and i agreed. However it never worked out. He has come around from time to time wanting to see her. And to be totally honest i haven't let him. Until i get a paper in the mail that says i must let him see her or i'm going to jail...he won't get to. I know how that person is, and i think his girlfriend, and being able to claim her on his taxes everyother year if he sees her is his driving force.

As far as your situation goes. I would totally trust your gut feeling. If the judge said 2 months with regular visits i suppose that's reasonable. Only you know how he really is, you know. If you really feel you need to you can always go back to the court house and file an appeal, i know it cost a few dollars and you may or may not lose. It is beneficial for your kids to see their father, but not when the person has other motives or whatever. I think if his interest is only temporary, it will become apparent. And if it does come to court again, you'll have something to back you up. Good luck to you, and please keep us updated.

Yasmari

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: jtbean
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:51am

I think what shocked me the most in court before was not the money stuff. Honestly, i care much, much more about the consistency of the visitation. At our divorce hearing, which is the only court thing he bothered to show up for, the judge basically had to force visitation on him. He didn't want to "commit" to a certain time. The judge determined that if he wanted to see them, he had to pick a certain time. For the past year, he has been sporadic at best. He has let me daughter down so many times. My son, thankfully is too young to really get it. I am just so afraid that this sudden interest is not what HE wants and that it will eventually hurt my kids. that is the part that troubles me. he can do whatever he wants and then i am left to pick up the pieces.

i want to try and be positive and hope that this time he means it, but i feel like that it would be foolish to put that type of trust in him. i know that i am going to have to face this and i am grateful for such nice words of encouragement. i find it hard though to think of this as a good thing. he does more damage to her than good most of the time. she comes home and is very angry and has some behavior issues. when he doesn't come though, she is like a different kid. he is not very attentive even when he has them, b/c his girlfriend has 2 small children that live with them full time. it is just a mess!

i am going to stop my rant now since i could go on forever. thanks again guys and i will keep you posted.

steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: jtbean
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:50am

Steph,

I think the biggest thing that you need to remember is NEVER to make excuses for him if he doesn't show up. Be honest with your kids, but don't shelter them if daddy doesn't come to pick them up. If he said he was coming at 5 and doesn't show and then calls at 7, or doesn't call at all, have him explain to his kids why he didn't make it. Refuse to be the middle man. Saying, "I don't know why your dad didn't make it honey, you'll have to ask him" is better than making an excuse. If you cover for him, he'll find it easier and easier to just not show up and let you deal with the fallout.

And as soon as he hasn't shown up for three visits, or comes late, I'd say you should be filing to the court to have the agreement changed.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jtbean
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 11:47am

I do think you should be honest, but I also think it helps to keep your child's self esteem in tact while they are young.

Things like, "daddy is not at his best right now" or "I know you are disappointed because dad is late (or isn't coming) but we can do something fun and I feel so lucky that *I* have you here" can go a long way to help a child through bad times.

But I guess that is all easy for me to say because my exh is pretty good at taking ds and doing something fun with him. I know it must be a different story for those with deadbeat dads. I just cringe to think that a kid has to face such a horrible thing - they would always feel such a loss.

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