How involved should the ex be in new?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How involved should the ex be in new?
5
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:57pm

I guess that title doesn't make any sense, but I'm not quite sure how to word it.

My new boyfriend Josh has a daughter, Sierra is 1 and belongs to Amber, whom he just broke up with right before he asked me out (he tends to do that, go from one relationship straight to the next).

He was actually in the process of moving out of Amber's apartment when he asked me out, and after a date or two, I made it clear to him that we would not progress beyond friends as long as he lived under her roof, so he sped things up and got an apartment, and got moved in about 2 weeks ago.

Well, first of all, let me just say that I completely understand that they have a child together, and that will never change, and that she will always be in his life. That said, I've never dated anyone seriously that had a child, so I don't really know what's normal, and what I should be concerned about...hence why I'm here.

It seems that he gave Amber a key to his apartment when he moved in. The convoluted reason is that he has a 3 year old daughter by another girl, and he has visitation with both of them at the same time, but he works nights part-time on his 2 days off, which are the visitation days. So Amber was watching the 3 year old for him while he was at work for 4 hours, and she just did it at his apartment, and since he works midnight to 4am, she just stayed there, and everything was just more convenient that way. (and that may happen from time to time again, as well.)

Well, the first issue I have is that she doesn't know we're seeing each other, b/c I have professional dealings with her, and we're keeping it quiet for now so as to not mess that up. But I stayed at his apartment last night, and apparently she came in to get some of the baby's stuff this morning, not too long after he and I had left. What if she had just waltzed in while we were in bed together? I don't like the fact that his ex-girlfriend has a key to his apartment.

And the second issue I have is that she's still going to be having a relationship with his 3 year old daughter with the other girl. She and Josh weren't married, but she still wants to be in the other child's life, and will be babysitting when necessary and seeing her when Josh has visitation. Therefore, there will be times when she'll be hanging out with Josh while he has visitation, so she can see the other child.

This seems odd to me. He isn't going to be seeing her kids by her ex, so why should she still be seeing his daughter with his ex? And he actually lived with her kids from her ex, but his 3 year old they only saw every other weekend. I know that she's been in the little girl's life, and that her daughter is this little girl's half-sister, but I just don't think that *she* should be involved anymore. They're broken up. And how will that play out when I get introduced into the kid's lives?

I don't know if I'm just overreacting or if I truly have a valid reason to be slightly upset. Of course I'm afraid that he'll go back to her, they have a child together and that's always a possibility, and so naturally there's going to be some jealousy there for me. But are these reasons for me to be jealous, or am I being rediculous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:37pm

Wow what a situation.

My 2 cents is to back off from trying to form a relationship with this man. Sounds like you're interested in having a relationship with him, but I don't think HE is in any place to be jumping from one relationship to another with so much going on. And no matter how much you like him, I really have to question where he really is in his readiness. Even if he says he is ready to move on... it's obviously his "habit" to jump from one relationship to another (does he have a child with each one as he moves along as well??) and that is just a wildly waving red flag to me.

Do you really want to be wrapped up in all this with him? You would not be a bad person if you changed your mind about dating him and said "bye". I really think you could find someone more stable and more capable of being in a relationship. This guy seems to be a bouncing ball. And if you think you'll always be jealous of the old girlfriend, or not able to trust that he won't leave you to go back to her, then it's already a relationship that's on some unhealthy legs and you've barely even started. Is that really what you want?

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 8:16am

Hi there. I think there are a couple of seperate issues.

The first one would be the key to his apartment, or how easily she has access to his life, however you want to look at it, and I think that's YOUR issue. To them, this arrangement makes sense. If it doesn't work for you, it's sort of your problem. Not to say that you're wrong, but everyone's tolerance levels are different. You have to decide where yours is, and whether you're going to deal with this guy's baggage. The ex is a part of his luggage set, and it looks like we're not talking carry-on where she's concerned.

The next issue would be his child, and frankly, I'm impressed that she'd want to and be able to stay involved. You don't break up with children. They are the innocents. Now, that being said, the ex could just be doing it to stay even more involved in his life than she would be with just their child between them. But if she's truly doing it for the child, that's commendable. You see, the children, even if it's only a casual relationship, form bonds, and they don't understand that when the adults break up, the children weren't at fault. That's why most of us don't allow our children to date until we know it's serious. But even serious things come to an end sometimes, and that's why I'm impressed.

Another issue I have is the fact that your relationship is secret. Professional dealings or not- unless this woman is some psycho ex- in which case, do you really want to have to deal with that- she'll have to put on her big girl panties and deal with it at some point, just be an adult and face the music, or break it off. If she can't maintain her professionalism, that's her problem, not yours. If you can't maintain yours, that's your problem, but I think you can.

Moody- who is, and needs more coffee


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 8:22am

I would not be comfortable with that situation either. But more important than that is the other red flags I see:
1) The secrecy
2) The running from relationship to relationship
3) So many girlfriends and kids

I just don't get the feeling that he is anywhere near settled in his life and he is leaving a path strewn with kids behind him.

I would never give my exh a key to my house and allow him to come and go from here at will. I would never allow him to spend the night here. I would find a pay a babysitter to watch my son or he would go to exh's house. I mean, an ex is an ex. And me and my exh have a pretty civil parenting relationship now after 6 years.

I just think it is all too soon for him to be a good bf to you.

Welcome - we are honored to have your visit and hope we do help. I am sure the others will have good advice, too. It sounds to me like you need to listen to yourself and not think yourself ridiculous!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:34pm

Thank you all so much for your responses. I've never had to deal with a "baby's momma" before, so this is all new territory for me, and I really appreciate the honest opinions.

Just to give a little background to help you understand the situation...

He and I met when I began a leasing agent position at the apartment complex they lived in. I would always deal with him, not her, so we got to know each other over the course of 2 months before he asked me out. He wasn't actually on the lease, so officially, he wasn't one of my tenants, but she was and still is. That's why I have to be very careful in regards to her knowing about us so early in our relationship. I have a responsibility to her first and foremost as my tenant, and can't let anything affect that. And I want to make sure that he and I are going to stay together for a while before we tell her, because if we don't, there's no need for her to ever know and make things weird in our tenant/landlord situation.

And, truthfully, there's good cause for that, because of the situation within their relationship. He had only been broken up with the mother of his first daughter a few months when he met Amber, but he quickly realized that she wasn't the girl for him, and that she was in fact a bit on the psycho side. After about 4 months, it was at the point where he was going to break up with her, and she "accidentally" turned up pregnant. So he stayed with her to try to make a family and take care of his responsibilities, when all the while, their relationship continued to get worse. When they moved to our complex in June, he told her that he was only moving with her on the condition that things get better between them, because he was going to leave if they didn't. They didn't, and about 2 months later, he tried to break up with her, so she took 10 vicodin and "tried" to commit suicide. This was the same week that I met him.

So at that point, he moved to another bedroom, and said that he was only staying until he left for boot camp (reserves) in December, and that their relationship was essentially over. Two months passed like that, and he finally decided that it wasn't worth it, that she was getting worse, so he "officially" broke it off with her and started looking for a place to live, and asked me out that week. He said that he had been thinking about it for the entire time he knew me, but he knew he had to get his stuff together and move out first.

So it's not like he's just moving blindly from one relationship straight into another just because. He just likes relationships, not to date around, and it's not like it was a spur of the moment thing...it's been coming for 2 years.

So that's a bit of the back story, and that's why I want to give him a chance. He's a truly nice guy, who takes his responsibilities seriously, and I think he deserves a chance.

I know it's just my insecurities about her...and that's something I have to deal with. She called me today to ask about getting her locks changed, so I'm thinking that if she doesn't want him having a key to her place, then it's not right for her to have one to his place, but you're right, it's not really much of my business, unless she comes in when she doesn't need to.

I do commend her for wanting to stay in the other daughter's life...but I also have friends who have been in the same situation, and I've seen how hard it is for them once the parent moves on, and it gets to the point where they feel that it's best that they not try to be in the other kid's lives. It just seems to me that kids are extremely resilient, and it would be easier for her to cease contact now when she's 3, than in 2 more years when it's fizzled out and she's 5. But I guess I don't have any say in it...so...

Anyway, thanks again for listening, and I'll try to heed your advice and not be so bugged about it...

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:34pm

OK, I'm in the same position as your bf's ex and will tell you my side.

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