How Long?
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How Long?
| Sat, 04-21-2007 - 1:59pm |
Now I'm not saying I am ready now...duh, not even, but if I do divorce Shane, I would like to think that once I get past that, that one day I will be in a relationship that works for me. A good man and a faithful, friendly loving companion.
I didn't wait long enough last time and I am in a bad situation. I didn't take time to work on ME and I got involved, fell in love, and married again in almost 2 years. I know now that it takes longer.
So how long should I wait? How long before I date? How long before I get serious? What did someof you do that are now in relationships?
~Mel~

Oh Meli - don't beat yourself up over what happened or what you think will happen. I am still hoping that counseling will work but in no way do I want you to suffer if you should get out. I am on your side no matter what you choose.
Okay - since you asked the question - I can try to answer based on what I have seen here and experienced myself. I urge anyone else to pipe in and explain what worked for them, too.
I think the longer you wait, the more leverage you will have. Because you will get to a point that you don't "need" anyone anymore and then you will get picky. I wonder if there are red flags about Shane that you see now that you overlooked?
They say you should wait at least a year. It is hard for anyone to do that. Because a bad marriage leaves you so far in the emotional hole that you crave attention and fulfillment. I think at this time people are very vulnerable for infatuation and the trainwreck that ensues - and this is unfortunate because they are further behind for putting their life back together.
I think it took me at least 4 years before I was totally financially on my feet and had DS and the visitation custody thing worked out to where they don't cause anyone any more drama and that I had enough interests and friends that I was not needy. But that is just me.
I am now 6 years past my divorce and my challenge, along with many my age, is finding someone I want to date. I look through the personals on three different sites and don't find that many I would consider. I think that is because as we grow older our situations and hobbies and tastes become very specific and you are not compatible with as many as when you are young. I am not sure if that is good or bad - perhaps good because you can see what you get in advance.
At this point in my life I have everything so dialed in - with having a business that is running good, my own house I love, DS and I clicking and spending a lot of time, my own hobby that keeps me fit and getting out of the house - and I don't want to give it up. Not any of it. I don't want it to change and I don't want someone who will make me miserable. The only time I am lonely is the weekend night that DS goes to his dad's house. That is just one night a week. I try to appreciate the down time and often I am shelled from my workouts and getting ready for an early one the next morning so it isn't a big deal.
The only other time I feel a big loss and don't like to be alone is on holidays. I am sure everyone here can relate to that. I just had a birthday party for my son and invited my sister, her husband and my parents. I always feel like I don't fit when I am with them and it makes me sad.
I am actively looking for someone - on 3 different OLD sites - and getting out for different social events. But so many are already married or with someone. So I am patient. I also know that working from home and being tied to the schedule needs of a kid make my social life less ideal - but that is okay because my life is ideal for my son.
I think the most important thing for anyone who is newly divorced is that you have to find the inner strength to be happy on your own. I think that takes a different amount of time for different people. I think the key to happiness is being happy with what you do have instead of with what you don't. So this part of my life I am enjoying the freedoms that singledom bring and the fact that I can give my full attention to my son and enjoy him while he is young. He is starting middle school next year and already I feel so many changes taking place in him. For the first time I have realized that my days with him are numbered and it makes me very sad.
I hope I haven't blabbed too long and that I have helped you. I think if Shane wants to be a good husband you will be happy. And if he does not you can definitely make yourself happy. And when you make yourself happy and take care of your kids then everything falls into place.
Have faith - keep us posted, okay?
Mel,
I think the first thing you have to decide is: when Shane moves out, will you be done with him or not?
I think the best thing about your post is that you see that you didn't wait long enough last time.
It really is a personal thing. I waited about 3 years before I got into another relationship, but that was about getting my life back in order, I had an infant and a toddler, and changed career paths. I also bought my home, and just generally worked on me.
After that relationship ended, I took a few months to continue to work on me, and then set out to date casually only. I did date, quite a lot, but realized that being in a relationship was what I wanted after about a year. It took me another year to find someone I wanted to be in a relationship with, and we're going pretty slowly still. It's been a month since we became exclusive, and by this point in my other relationships (all of them) I was getting ready to move in or the guy was already living with me.
Obviously I moved way too fast in the past, and now that my kids are older, I'm older, and my own life is more settled, I'm not moving in with anyone for convenience, because we want to spend so much time together, or because of any other reasons. If I ever do move in with someone again, it'll be because we love each other and want to take our relationship to the next level. That's it.
So, judging from my mistakes, I say at least a year before you date, and another year of casual dating. Obviously sometimes our heart has other plans, but you'll know when you're ready.
Moody, wishing you the best
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