how long does it take?
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how long does it take?
| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 6:22pm |
I guess a lot of you out there are in the samae position as me, but I have a question...........How long does it take to get used to not being part of a 'pair'? I had hopes for a reconciliation, but those are fading fast (I think he is enjoying having little responsibility to a wife and family beyong financial.....)

I think it takes a while. Some days are better than others. And it depends on the person and how their social network/interests/financial independence all work.
At first, I was so relieved NOT to have all the fighting/stress from my exh. But then I would get sad when I would realize that he caused me so much pain and that I was lonely and on my own.
Then as time went on, I met more friends. I became more financially independent. I did a lot of work on my house. Now I have hobbies and life pretty much carved out the way I want it. Plus DS is older so I have gotten back some of my freedom. So now I feel better on my own than I ever did when I was married. And I don't mind not being a pair. In fact I feel luckier than most married moms my age because I have so much freedom.
I think that being a single mom brings special challenges. Because most of the things you do with kids involves other parents with kids - meaning married people - and that makes you feel left out in a way. And it is hard to get time to get away and develop other interests or go to class. You really lose your freedom and certainly spontaneity for the most part. It can be really isolating. But still, you have to find a way to get time on your own away from the kids for YOU.
I hope this helps. Maybe others have more stories to share?
I agree completely that you have to purposely set aside time to do what you want- if you're part of a pair, that might be natural, but when you're a single parent, it's got to be on purpose.
So many single parents have to work harder, I think, to be financially solvent, and then they feel guilty taking even more time away from their child or children, that they don't or won't make time for themselves. This is bad in a couple of ways. First of all, it isn't mentally good for you to never have downtime. If all you ever do is work and parent, you will suffer eventually, no matter how much you like your job and love your child. Everyone needs a break to do something they enjoy for themselves as a person. But it also teaches your child that parents are servants, born to please, not only the child but everyone else, too.
Then when they have kids, they feel obliged to do the same thing, and so goes the vicious cricle of mental exhaustion. It simply isn't healthy.
Take a break! Find a sitting co-op, loving relative, friend you trust, and get out and do something, even if it's just a walk in the park, that you enjoy just for you!
OKay, off my soapbox for a minute to say that after five years of being not a part of any offical couple really, I'm still not completely used to it at times. I enjoy being single, and I am happy with my life, and Loard knows I'm busy, but there are definitely times, especially during kids things, when it hits me that certain things would be more enjoyable or easier if I were part of a pair.
The opposite is true, too, though, when I'm sooo glad sometimes to be flying solo- like when I want to go to the mall, and my girlfriends all have to weigh every purchase because their so's will be mad if they spend too much- my money's all mine, baby, and I earned every dime, and will darned well spend it as I see fit! And guess what- I don't ever feel guilty if I am out later than I thought I would be, because there's no one I'm answering to, either.
No money arguments, no one eating the last of my favorite ice cream, the hot water is still hot, the covers aren't hogged, I don't have to give up closet space, no one cares if I buy yet another pair of black shoes... it's worth the empty seat next to me at soccer games, and who knows, maybe there will be a single dad there who doesn't like ice cream!
Moody- who has gotten very particular, both about ice cream and men
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I like your saying, "worth the empty seat next to me" because that is a very good saying - and way to put that.
I think the more comfortable you can be on your own, the better chance you have of being more picky and finding someone who will cherish you for you and treat you right.
I have noticed that the women around me who have the happiest marriages/relationships are the women who are most capable of setting boundaries and keeping themselves happy.