How long have you been single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
How long have you been single?
14
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 8:03pm

Hi all -

I have technically been single for a couple of years after my divorce, however until recently (2 mos. now) we still continued to see each other sexually. I have dated a little here & there, but nothing major & I definitely haven't found anyone that either isn't married or someone that I'm attracted to enough to have sex with. I hear about people who go a year, two three or sometimes more w/out sex b/c they are single, but it's all new territory for me b/c I've either been in a relationship or lived w/someone for the last 12 years or more. There's nothing wrong w/celibacy, don't get me wrong, but I'm only 32 & I love sex! The difference now is, is obviously I'm older, wiser and a lot more picky about who I share my time etc. with and it seems its much more difficult to find someone that I would even want to have sex with, much less a relationship (If I found both, I think I would be in heaven!). To add to that, I'm busy with kids, a little jaded about relationships or if I ever even want to re-enter one & I'm laid off which makes me that much more hesitant to date etc. Hmmmmmm - quite a pickle huh??? I wasn't for the divorce in the first place, I find nothing desirable about being single & had he not gotten a new girlfriend, I would just still be sleeping w/the ex....I know that sounds bad, but it's just the truth, lol! Anyhooo - I'm new to this board, but will probably be lurking around it now...




Edited 6/22/2010 8:07 pm ET by ivill_laurel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 8:51pm
been single sense 2003 had a few BFs here and there but nothing sticks...i am to much into my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 9:26pm

Welcome!


Being single isnt easy in many ways, & i agree, the no sex partner thing can sure suck.


For me, I got rid of my abusive alcoholic crazy H in Feb 05, & I had MORE sex afterwards since we never had sex - maybe 2X in those last 3 yrs of marriage.


I started dating that next Sept, & found a really hot guy for sex only - a FWB (freind with benefits) - & he was 11 yrs younger. That went on, about every few months since we live an hour+ away, until I began dating my boyfriend 15 months ago.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 11:18pm

I'm 53, which probably seems ancient to you, but believe me, I still like sex, too! At least I think I do; it's been so long...lol.

I've been single for about a year, but, and this is the appalling part, I haven't had sex in almost 10 years. If that sounds crazy long to you, it does to me, too! I can't believe I've made it this long. My ex had issues. I stuck around for the sake of the kids but wish I hadn't. If you think it's tough to find someone at 32, try it at 53--no, don't! :)

I keep telling myself there are people on the planet who've been celibate longer than I have, but it's not a lot of comfort. I'm not giving up hope, but I'm not counting on anything.

I'm obviously not the best person to give advice...just want you to know, two months isn't really all that long. I'm never too sure having sex with the ex is a great idea. Maybe now that that's over, you'll be able to date some really great guys and find one who will be a great match for you, physically and emotionally.

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 10:53am

I'm new here and I am so glad I found this site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 12:04pm

Hi Laurel:

I've been apart from 2nd DH almost 2 yrs now (officially divorced for a year) and unfortunately haven't had sex in all that time. I do find that as time goes by, I really don't think about it all that much, although occasionally it depends on hormones. I'm definitely not opposed to having a BF but I am not putting any effort into finding one. I do go out a lot but I haven't met any guys that way. Right now I just don't have the time or inclination to do OLD. Sometimes I feel kind of fraudulent for being on this board since it does say dating, but I have made some good online friends here and even met some IRL, so I think I'll stay if they will still have me. Still not giving up hope.

But I work full time, I have 2 kids--1 is 21 & in college, so she's mostly self sufficient, but the other one is 14--between driving him around to his friends' houses and trying to figure out when he is going to his dad's I don't seem to have that much free time. For the free time I do have, I would rather make plans w/ friends or some of the groups I belong to where I know I will have a good time, rather than spend it on disappointing blind dates. Personally I have never had any urge to have sex w/ either of my exes after we split up. W/ the 1st one, since I was so mad at him for leaving, I know it would have put me in a more vulnerable position when I was trying to deal w/ letting go of him. W/ the 2nd one, it was my idea and once I emotionally didn't want him any more, I couldn't stand the thought of having sex w/ him, which was too bad, because we did have a good sex life. I don't think I would be that happy w/ a FWB situation, although I've never really tried it. i could see something like meeting someone on vacation, being attracted and knowing that it's going no where, but IRL, I would just wonder--well, if the guy finds me attractive enough to have sex, then why won't he have a relationship w/ me? Maybe it's because I'm of the older generation too where I was brought up to look for a relationship, not just casual sex. But since I haven't had a chance for either one, I don't really know what I'd do. I do think you can actually suppress your needs for a while--it's like when you go on a diet & after a while you don't miss the sweets or whatever you gave up, but once in a while it would be good to get that ice cream sundae!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:30pm

I'm glad I came to this board also & thanks for sharing! I've been on ivillage for years & they have anything you can think of, so when I'm feeling totally overwhelmed w/something or just want to not feel alone in my problems! I totally come here & it does help :)

Yes, you are pretty much in the same boat as me. I could still have sex w/the ex (even w/the girlfriend or if he got married I'm sure!) but of course it's probably not the smartest idea. Even though it did work for a hell of a long time and I still would again if he wasn't openly dating anyone. Let's face it, usually that's what a lot of marriages consist of anyway - quite a few things you are unhappy w/but you stick around for the few things that you are happy with! I'm pretty good w/disconnecting the sex w/the relationship part of things also. Some women are not - but that was why I could be with him after the move & the divorce. It is what it is...and I'm wise enough to know that while there are other options out there, the sex part of our relationship was great & others will have their pros & cons as well. If I could just find someone that had the few good qualities that I'm looking for - I'd be set.

You mentioned about what your friend said about the mr. right & mr. wrong thing & that really depends on you. One of the previous poster's mentioned that she was able to distinguish between the two - relationship versus sex & if you can do that - it is possible that you get both needs fulfilled...sex, but then also still being open enough that if the right guy came along, you could move on. You just have to make sure you do the safe sex thing knowing that he's probably feeling the disconnection & may be sleeping w/others.

I wish I could do that w/my ex, but since we were married & have children - I'm still too emotionally attached to the situation. Everyone's situation is different & you just gotta trust yourself to know what's best for you & will make you most happy. But if it were just someone I was in a relationship w/for a couple of years - w/out some of the other attachments, I don't think I would have a problem w/it. As long as he didn't take up the dating time.

Honestly, I never really dated when I was younger. I just basically met people, went straight into these "relationships" w/them & then when they didn't work, I took the next one in line. Back in the day, most people did meet, fell in love, got married & just stuck it out & if they were w/other people - it was just called "cheating". These days it does seem very different & I don't know whether I make it out to be something better or not??? While it does seem like when people do find someone they connect w/physically & emotionally, that they would be happier--- it makes people more likely to be single for much longer periods of time in their life (and that means either no sex or just FWB types of relationships...I still haven't caught onto all the abbreviations on the boards ;) and it also does make for what seems to be more complications w/kids, finances etc. as well as giving you more feelings of being rejected, having wasted your time & being used. Hmmmm, what gives???!

Just know I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself if that is possible & hopefully, I will find more peace with it all - I can at least hope, right?! And being that there are a lot of people on here that are in their 40's & 50's as well - I feel as if I'm really just getting started.

C-ya around on here :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:59pm

Wow!!

Bobbie S
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:18am
You could say that I was also a victim in childhood, however fortunately I didn't allow that to influence my sex life. I had my first orgasm at 19 & I've loved sex ever since. Everyone is different though & some women who have even never experienced any type of abuse just don't like sex. I'm not to big on affection, etc., but I still like sex & not being in a relationship that I get that on a regular basis is either going to be difficult or something that would take some major adjustment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 9:53am
I hope that since you have these issues, you will get some therapy, not so that you can have dates, but because you don't want to be haunted by this for the rest of your life. It would not be good to keep going through life to be hating 1/2 the population.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:02pm
Divorced since 2001.........have had a couple of relationships....on and off kinda thing....

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