How long would you date w/o a proposal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
How long would you date w/o a proposal?
16
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:20pm
I'm talking about dating one man exclusively. I know some people have definite opinions on this topic. And, there have been marriage studies on this too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:34pm
One year tops! I normally prefer to commit after 3-6 months (and then incorporate sex) and then date towards marriage. At 45 I know what I want and don't need to date you for several years before a proposal. If he is still unsure after 1 year, then I would end the relationship and move on. He may come back around or he may find someone else (or vice versa) but I have no intentions of long-term dating since I am seeking marriage. Of course, that one year would mean I'm dating someone who I see 2-3 times weekly during the course of that year of dating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:19pm
That's very well said. I lean towards 2 years for a proposal. Or, date for one year, engaged for one year. Boredom sets in around the 2-year mark. I do not think a person should rush to marriage during the very early, giddy stage of dating. However, the longer a couple of dates, the more comfortable things get, and you tend to take each other for granted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:26pm

I think that depends on WHY there's been no proposal. Has the couple discussed marriage? Is it something that's been purposely avoided? Is it something that one person wants very much, and the other doesn't? I think if I wanted to be married again, was dating someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and we had discussed the future in long term, marriage-like terms, I would expect a proposal.
Other couples date for long, long times and never plan to marry. I think it's a completely personal thing between the two people.
As long as they are both open and honest and communicate their wishes, it doesn't have to cause strife in the relationship.

Moody-not smelling orange blossoms


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:26pm

I don't know! But I do know that I am dating my Hiker for 16 months now- and there is NO proposal in sight! And I don't mind. I'm loving the company and the companionship and the sex, but I'm not even sure myself if I want to get remarried or not. I know eventually I'd like to be married again (and I could see us being married to each other) but just not right now. I can't see us living in the same house with his kids and my kids and all that. But I don't know of any man who is more fitting for me than he is. I think it's just good that we're on the same page about it all. We are definitely exclusive and dating strongly, but we're not altar-rushing in any way.

I think the length of time varies from person to person, couple to couple and you can't really set any universal time-line on ANYONE'S relationship except the couple themselves.

And because I'm DONE with having more kids, there isn't any ticking clock going- because I know that if a man or a woman is wanting more kids, then that REALLY pushes some sort of timeline that I (and Hiker) do not have to deal with. I'm in my early 40's, he's in his early 50's... so the baby-making thing is SOOO done.

If the question has anything to do with dating a certain person without being exclusive... then my timeline wouldn't be very long. I can't see dating "for fun" for years at a time, knowing he is out dating others. I like being in a relationship that is committed to each other, but it surely doesn't have to be headed for marriage 'or else'! I wouldn't want a man to propose to me just because he thinks "it's time" or doing it just because he thinks I will leave if he doesn't... I want him to propose because he wants me to spend the rest of his life with him and it's not based on any ultimatum.

I could see myself dating Hiker indefinitely at this point. We simply like each other's company and it works for us to still have our separate lives as well. But if we were going to try living together, I'd want to be married (or have marriage soon around the corner) for that to happen.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:03pm
I can date forever, as I don't want to ever marry again. However, when I was younger if after a year or two, no talk of progression in the relationship. I would move on.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:07pm

>>>>But if we were going to try living together, I'd want to be married (or have marriage soon around the corner) for that to happen.

I agree 100% with this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:14pm

I'm sorry but you are saying two different things. You state that you would eventually like to marry Hiker and then the last paragraph is I could date him indefinitely.

I think Moody said it best; it's just having open and honest communication. I'm seeking marriage and when I meet a potential mate this is what I communicate to him. I don't want to date indefinitely (irregardless of our situation) I want to know that you are open to marriage. I have so many female friends who want to get married but ironically most are involved w/men who are apparently not ready so they have resolved themselves to date them long-term (hoping he will come around). My sister has been living w/her boyfriend for the past 6 years and is complaining about not receiving an engagement ring. My attitude is "why have you given up on your dream?" Yes, people can change their mind (choose to marry or not) but for ME, I communicate that, and based upon their response and action, I follow my plan. If after a year there is no proposal (irregardless of how great the situation) I will move on. Yes, it would be hard and I recently had done this 2-1/2 years ago and ironically no regrets. Truly was a commitment-phobic but I stayed true to my plan of one year even though he stated and acted as if he wanted marriage as well.

People get comfortable and that's cool; but I find too many women who always end up putting their dreams on the back burner while they wait for the man to come around. In all honesty Hiker boy doesn't have to marry you cause he knows you will date him indefinitely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:44pm

I think, knowing Shrimpy's situation with Hiker, that I can see where she's coming from.
She's so content with her relationship with him- a committed, serious relationship, that they are both enjoying- that she doesn't feel the need to "pressure" him into marriage. He's on the same page, and their relationship does beautifully because of this.
However, she would marry him, possibly. She doesn't feel the need to, but it isn't like she wouldn't.
I think that's the kind of relationship I'm looking for, actually. Where I love the person I'm with and am committed, but marriage doesn't HAVE TO happen in order for the two of us to be happy together. I also am not looking to have any more children, though, and have my own life in order.
Being in a relationship for me is more like dessert- not a necessary part of the meal and often not even missed when I choose not to have any. Also, often tempting and bad for me. Best in moderation. Upon further consideration, I have to say that I think men are a lot like chocolate.

Moody- in search of whatever feels right


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:57pm
As stated, just communicate whatever works for you. If it doesn't or it's just a go with the flow type of thing, communicate that. Open to either scenario, communicate that. Your right, no one should ever feel pressured to be married. For me it's definitive being married and living in the same household. If after a year you are not ready to jump the broom, no pressure, but I'm moving on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:00pm

I think Moody helped me sum it up pretty nicely while I was gone picking up my kids! Thanks, Moody!

But that's exactly how it is. We both think we'd like to get married again one day, but neither one is rushing to get married just to "be married". We are both open to possibly getting married again one day. We're just not in any hurry to get into it! In the meantime, we are enjoying each other's company and our separate lives as well as our togetherness. It just fits us at this point, and there's no reason to push it or pull back from it. It's just nice just the way it is! But if I was to get married again, he IS someone I could see myself married to. And if the man I was dating wasn't someone I could see myself married to one day... I wouldn't keep on dating him. If there ever turned out that I find something about Hiker that makes our match incompatible, or I don't think he is marriage material anymore... then I wouldn't feel right dating him anymore, either.

So in the meantime, I am dating him indefinitely because even if we never get married, I'd surely enjoy his company the way I am now. But neither one of us have any set timeline on when we'd like to be married again (whether to each other OR to anyone else)- we just know that neither one of us wants to grow old alone. But for now... we're happy with things just the way they are. Moving slowly, growing together slowly, and enjoying the ride without trying to rush it or end it in any hurry. It's like sitting on a porch swing with us. Just keep on swinging, keep on feeling how sweet and comfortable it is, and there's no reason to "upgrade" to a rollercoaster just to speed things up.

Not only do I love Hiker, I also LIKE him... and to just enjoy him for as long as I can, is fine with me. And each day DOES bring us closer to spending the rest of our lives together, even though we aren't sharing households. I kind of like my household the way it is, and it works for us this way. My dreams are not on any back burner... I have my dreams already.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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