How long would you date w/o a proposal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
How long would you date w/o a proposal?
16
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:20pm
I'm talking about dating one man exclusively. I know some people have definite opinions on this topic. And, there have been marriage studies on this too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:14pm

I don't know for sure. Because I have mixed emotions on this myself. I guess ultimately I would like to be *happily* married again and planning a future together - saving money, buying a vacation house, enjoying family and our own hobbies. But in today's world and with my dating pool is this more of a dream?

But the REALITY is that I am nearing 45 and very protective of my son and my relationship/parenting style with him. Also of my freedom and my dedication to my sport. And to the personal wealth I am attaining at this point. It is not like I can be so carefree with a blank slate like I was at 20.

I see both sides to what everyone here is saying. If you really do want to be married, give him one or two years and no longer - because who wants to be stuck with a commitmentphobe. If you are young and want more children this is absolutely true. Or if you don't mind the step parenting situation and feel that a whole family is best for you and your kids this is also true.

But then I can see the side to why rush and why put your kids through combining households. I do see my years ticking away with my son now. He is about to turn 11 and is no longer a snuggly baby - he is nearing a teenager and that is sad because our days used to seem countless and now I know they are numbered. I also know that I have a unique parenting style where I promote his self esteem and use positive reinforcement and many rewards. I don't sweat the small stuff. I watched my sister's husband this weekend and his interaction with her kids. And while he is a great person I would not like it if a bf spoke to my kids like that. Her child who is 5 is a boy with ants in his pants and the father had a fit that he was poking holes in a plate at the table and took it away in a mean manner instead of just redirecting. And I hate that when a guy acts like that. To me it is wrong to be mean to a 5 year old boy that is bored at the table and doesn't want to sit still. Find him something else to do!

I had this extremely selfish realization the other day that the first half of my life was basically dealing with my parents and all of their rules. Then it was my career which was mind boggling hours. And then my crappy exh, his crappy inlaws and the divorce. Now I have my son to care for (which I love). I want time for me and feel really selfish that I will not put up with any more bad energy in my life so I am picky. Which is a good thing - because I always used to worry more about the guy than myself. I want time for me to achieve my sport goals. I have a great coach and am willing to spend the time to train. Don't want anyone to tell me not to or to question the money and time I spend on this.

I have had to come to grips that I won't have any more children. And this is bittersweet. I do love the baby memories. My son is great. But it is hard work and now I have my life back because he is bigger. And I don't think I would want him to feel left out if I had a baby with another man. And I am 44. So the baby door for practical purposes is now closed.

Anyway, I don't know. I think it is more important to find the right man for you and your kids - I mean really right for your future for the long haul. Then figure it out from there for what is best for you. At least to have a conversation that it could be likely based on the kids' situation.

At the very least he has to add to your life. Cannot take away. The funny thing is that I know I would not date a man I wouldn't marry. And I would never just live with a guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:25pm

"If after a year you are not ready to jump the broom, no pressure, but I'm moving on!"

LOL!! That is a really funny way of putting it!! You made me laugh.

Such good things in this thread - all of our thoughts. Good going girls!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 9:50am
Why a proposal at all???? I have been together with my bf for 9+!!!!! years now and we are STILL happy in a way that noone who sees us together would guess that we have been together THAT long. We both don´t believe in marriage so proposal is the last thing i need in my relationship!
RL
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:34am
Thanks for sharing your experience. Like I said, some people have very strong opinions on this...including those who do not believe in marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:36am
I admire you for knowing your mind and sticking to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 12:58pm
"Not only do I love Hiker, I also LIKE him... and to just enjoy him for as long as I can, is fine with me. And each day DOES bring us closer to spending the rest of our lives together, even though we aren't sharing households. I kind of like my household the way it is, and it works for us this way. My dreams are not on any back burner... I have my dreams already."
I totally identify with you on this, Shrimpy. It is exactly like that with M and me. We both had fairly long marriages, horrid divorces, and we're done with having more kids so neither of us is looking to jump the broom, trade floral crowns, stomp a glass, or perform any other form of marriage ceremony any time soon. Plus I lose my spousal maintenance if I remarry, and no man who loves me would ask me to take that kind of financial hit. And our kids are soooo not ready for that, I doubt his younger daughter will ever accept a step mom. I can see us perhaps thinking along the lines of marriage maybe after his kids are out of high school and my spousal maintenance is done, in 2012. By then our attitude about remarriage may change. For now I'm OK with just maintaining our separate lives indefinately.
If I was younger and wanted more kids I'd have a different attitude. Also if I were younger, my first marriage would not have been so long so I might think differently as well. I'd still have some romantic notions about marriage. After 28 years with one guy, I am totally happy with my independant lifestyle.
Everyone is different, and both members of a couple have to be in agreement on this subject for the relationship to work.

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