how long before you move things ahead ??

Avatar for lizbeth30
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Registered: 04-18-2003
how long before you move things ahead ??
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Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:51am
Well Jerry and I are coming up on the year mark and I am really wondering about the status of our relationship - are we going to take the next step in our relationship? I asked him last night because I defintily am planning on moving because I want my kids out of the Minneapolis school district. Last year I had them tested for special education and they qulaified for reading and Minneapolis is having major budget cuts - cut over 700 teacher jobs and cutting afterschool programs and because of the immigrants moving to our state the focus seems to be on teaching those kids english and well not focusing on the basic skill for the kids who do speak english. Also we are still in the house of my previous marriage and we want out and have a fresh start- I want to move to the suburbs-- ideally I want to live with Jerry and marry him - he says he wants this too however not now and he has no idea when. I asked him for a time frame- his response "I dont know" So I am stuck with the dilemma - do I move close to him because I dont want my kids to have to switch schools again? WHICH is also very far from my work - I would have 45- hour commute for work. OR do I give it a couple months to get a firm answer from him and chose to move close to my work and end things with him. I feel like I cant live another year without knowing that I have a future with him. I dont wnat to invest my heart, my childrens hearts and his and his childrens if this is something he just "doesnt know"

So what should I do- is a year too short to ask him this? I mean we have been very serious from almost day 1 - I am at his place 3-4 times a week commuting from my house to his which is about 25 miles I spend time with his kids he knows my family - my kids but it just seems he wants me to live in limbo like this and well its not easy- it hurts and is scary!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:23pm
Maggie, I'm curious. I do think your advice on this subject has been sound. I'm curious about how things went with you and Chris though. Did either of you have to "broach the subject" or was it pretty much mutual or understood?

I can't see myself EVER pushing Trav about this, and truly I don't think I'll ever need to. We both always know pretty much where we stand with each other. There's been some discussion of how things might work, and when he's ready I'm sure I'll hear more. And I'm not in a hurry.

Avatar for mom_x_three
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:40pm
Okay...given that information...would he be willing to see a couple's counselor to get an objective opinion/advise of how best to move forward while making the changes as easy as possible for the kids?

If he would be willing to do this...then I'd say chances are good that he's telling you the truth and really is just trying to make things as smooth as possible.

If, on the other hand he makes excuses about why counseling isn't a good idea...or why the counselor's ideas won't work....then I'd say you have a big clue about how serious he is.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

Avatar for lizbeth30
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Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:48pm
Couples counseling when you arent married- how do you go about that?
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Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:04pm

Hi Candi, west asked me to write out the whole story, so I will when I can...but as you know, it's a long one!

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:54pm

My DH and I did that. It was VERY helpful in clarifying some expectations. I might've been happier going more than once, but he drug his heels...and I was more careful about "pushing" him then. :)


We called my church and found a pastor who does marital/premarital counseling. He was available. He kept calling it premarital counseling, but we just said we were there for relationship counsel. It was very helpful.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:33pm
I was aware of the first half of the story (I do remember you mentioning Chris often and wondering what the heck this guy DID to you that you couldn't forGET him. Our very rational Mags was still thinking about this guy after all that time. *grin*)...and I knew that the timing wasn't right in the first half.

I meant more the second half. And your response was along the lines I was thinking...that it just happened, no agonizing on either of your parts. That it felt right. And I DO know about the magnetism part...it IS kind of unexplainable, but I've felt that with Trav from the first time we met.

I was asking because I can't imagine ever having to broach the subject with him, we'll both just know. And he has never pressured me either, when I wasn't sure I wanted to be exclusive. It's different from other people I've been involved with. And even with not seeing him face to face for 5 months, I KNOW what I know. I know I'll feel the same about him when I do see him. And, true, whether it works for us or not I want him to be with whoever is perfect for him. He deserves the best.

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:54am
Any counselor that offers "marriage" counseling...can/will usually also counsel couples who are not married, but looking to improve their relationship.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:31pm
I am going to have to agree with the other posters here. You need to base your decision for the family you have RIGHT NOW and not the one you MAY have. You need to find a great neighbourhood where your children and yourself can flourish. You are going to be run down if you start commuting 45 mins each way to work, you don't need that.

I understand that he's worried about blending the families, but how often does he see his kids? Do they live with him full time? Sounded more like they are with their mother full time and he gets visits. Counselling will only work if he wants to sort it out and make it work- I agree, if he starts making excuses about not seeing one, you know where he stands. Seems to me that you take your kids over there a lot anyway, so it wouldn't be much different than now- except that they wouldn't be having to pack suitcases and toys, you know? You may have more privacy at his place, but why should you be the one doing the visiting? If he only has a puppy at home to worry about, that's a lot easier to deal with than taking kids with you. (And you can't legally leave your children home alone like you can a dog.)

I just encourage you to do what is best for you and your children and not be worried about someone else's agenda. You don't want to look back and regret that you made a decision only for him.

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