How many chances?
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| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 1:53pm |
Hi All-
How many chances would you give someone who doesn't follow through with what they said they would?
I just started dating this guy, it's been about a month. Most of the time he is reliable with calling (but not a specific time, or he is off a little with the time). Like once he said he would call me when he got home (he said he would probably be home around 8:30pm, but he called me at 11:00pm). Other times he said he would call me right back, and he did. Or that he would call me Saturday morning to let me know when he would be arriving (last Sat), and he did. On Sunday he said he would give me a call that night, he did, it was late though... but he called. Monday I e-mailed him and asked if he was busy, he said he was and if he could give me a call when he got home that night? He did call me that night.
I've been very proud of myself NOT to chase HIM, and not to call him when he is supposed to call me. But it really is making me anxious... like is this a red flag? How long do I wait? And am I being too hasty? Too picky? I have a small child and if I couldn't call someone when I said I would I wouldn't want them to go ballistic...
For example, last night we talked a little and he was tired. So I respected his boundaries and told him I would let him go. He said with a lot of enthusiasm how we can talk tomorrow through e-mail and that at some point during the day he will call me. That he is at his desk quite often during the day.
Well, I e-mailed him this morning with a very brief message and gave him my work number (he has my cell number). So ball is in his court. I have not called or e-mailed him since. Nor has he.
I will NOT call or e-mail him until he does. Now when he does, and doesn't mention that he is sorry for not calling this will already be a minus for me... Maybe only time will tell, like the old 3 strikes and you are out. I just need for someone to keep their word. This is the only way I can trust them.
The fact that we chat late online or talk late at night doesn't bother me because he claims he works 12 hour days, and I have a son who takes up my time until 9:00pm.
Well, what do you all think?
Thanks,
PoolDiva

Hi there and welcome to our board.
I think that "calling" is only part of the picture. Does he take you out? Does he show he cares in other ways? Do you both want the same things - meaning a relationship? Is he in a good place in life -meaning mature - settled - not a party animal?
It sounds like he is busy and doing okay. I don't think you can count missing a phone call as a big deal. But if he said he was going to call you and take you out and then doesn't call until a week later that is a big strike and the only one I would give.
Maybe you should try to keep busier and take a chilll so you miss a call or two - just step back and see what happens.
Only time will tell you - you want him to be "that into you" and wanting to see you and make time for you and make an effort for you.
Maybe if you tell us more - like how you met and what he has done so far that will help us.
Good luck!
Thank you to all that answered... I think I was having a small panic attack :-)
Thanks Judy for welcoming me to the board...
You are right about "calling" not being the major factor... Since it's new and I'm feeling a little vulnerable, I needed that instant sense of affirmation... the reassurement that "we're OK".
But it worked out... with all my venting here on this board and talking to friends, I gave him the space to come back to me... turns out we had a small misunderstanding and everything is good now. He did end up calling me during the day, and he was also wondering what was going on since he thought we would chat online (I can't IM at work, but he didn't know that).
Anyhow, to answer your questions...So far we have discussed more than the surface talk (favorite movie, favorite color), and it seems that we both want the same things. As far as I can tell he is in a good place in life, maturity seems to be in place... He says he is ready to settle down.
I guess my fears stem from the past where I had to work SO hard in relationships... I'm used to being the sole giver, the glue that holds it together, the one doing all the calling, planning, e-mailing, discussing the future... People have reassured me that relationships take work, but it shouldn't be THAT hard... that it should be easier than it has been for me...
So far he has made things easy for me... freely volunteering information, saying he's at a place where he wants to commit and settle down, that he is emotionally available (do men really say these things?)... He turned it back to me and asked me if this is what I am about and if that is something I am looking for myself... (which I am)
Oh, we met online... and talked for a couple of weeks before meeting last week. It was a great meeting... It's like you connect emotionally with someone and fear that it will be weird in person. But when I met him it was as if we've been good friends for years!
I will definitly heed your warnings and observe him over time, see if he remains consistent and stable... In the meantime, I will do what I can to relax and let things develop as they are supposed to... Make myself busy so I am not obsessing (bad habit of mine)...
Thanks again!
Take care,
PoolDiva
Relationships *DO* take a lot of work, but more so if you equate it to dog training. I put forth the possibility that monitoring your man and making checklists of his deficiencies may be counterproductive.
Perhaps looking at improving yourself and being comfortable with yourself will do much more to attracting a good man than finding someone that falls head over heels for you right away. Usually you will find that if someone is all too quick at replacing his entire life with you and you alone is someone who either has nothing of his own, or desperately needs someone to help him hide a body. That advice actually works both ways... ;-)
Now I'm off to go bury yet ANOTHER body... fortuantely with the hurricane, the ground is nice and soft.