How many of you are dating

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
How many of you are dating
19
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:30am

men that have no children?
Would you rather date someone that does or doesn't have children and why?

I guess I am finally starting to give the guys without children a chance and I keep asking myself what do they want from me? Why do they want to get caught up dating someone that has kids when they don't? How do you overcome those thoughts?

I asked Mr. History why he wants to date me and he said, why don't you want to date someone that has no kids? So he threw it back at me. LOL. He said that once their was someone that he had a date with a few months back that said she would never date anyone divorced. He suddenly felt like he was carrying around the scarlet letter and I told him that is how I feel sometimes, by the way men without kids have treated me. I just feel so strange dating someone that could have someone else without kids at any time and now spending time with someone that does, when he doesn't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:49am
I'm not dating anyone with or without kids...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:53am

BF doesn't have children, and I have one DS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:58am

Put that silly thought out of your head, my dear Cat.

I have dated men with kids and men without kids and to me there is no rhyme or reason to it. One of my best relationships so far was with a guy who didn't have kids and didn't want any kids of his own and loved my son very much - they interacted so well. We would still be together if he didn't have such a financial mess at hand with debt, taxes and an insolvent business. Even his dad tried to help him and he refused - so there was nothing I could do and as a single mom could not take that project on.

I think it is more of a match of people - do you have a lot in common, do you have fun talking to each other, are your situations compatible, is he into you and wanting to be exclusive with you, do you both want more kids together, on and on - you just have to check off all the boxes.

I would say his situation would appeal a LOT more to me personally than a man who is busy with little kids and you don't have the potential for a parenting clash. I like what you write about him a LOT and think you got really lucky to find such a one so soon.

I am dating a guy with a kid - but his kid is older so going to be off to college soon. And I am okay with that too. And with your age - divorced or never been married - is all okay in my opinion.

You will be fine!! One of these princes is going to swoop you off your feet. And how lucky to find this one when your girls are gone. I am sort of in the same boat because my DS leaves on Monday for a whole month.

ENJOY, girl!!

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:00am
I am dating a man who does not have kids and is not set on having children of his own. I definately prefer this scenario. Why? I guess because I'm selfish with my time. Taking care of the two kids I have and keeping my career moving forward keep me busy enough. I am not very interested in having any more children and I have no interest in helping someone else parent theirs. I LOVE that SO has gotten used to my parenting schedule and we now spend most every evening that my kids are with their dad together. If we had another parenting schedule and/or another set of kids activities to work around I think it would be a lot harder to spend enough alone time together to really get to know one another. I have never felt like my having kids would keep me from dating anyone I wanted to date, but me already having kids has made me not be interested in dating anyone who wants to start a brood of their own.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:07am

I see the biggest issue as having time together especially in the initial stages of the relationship where she/me doesn't introduce our children into the mix.

I also know that a whole bunch of other factors play into the time priority consideration such as work, distance, hobbies, friends/family, etc.

I also know that you/me has to be very flexible when children are involved.

So when I meet a woman who has young children, I expect it will take longer to see her, get to know her, date her (assuming she is the primary caregiver) because of her lack of free time.

BTW I'm not dating anyone and the issue I'm facing in my age bracket is finding women who have their children grown and out of the house so they have more time and disposable income than me.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:29am

Since my divorce, I've dated men in all different kid-situations (not just a date or two, but exclusive for a while). One I dated for just over a year, and he had no kids (and was about a year older than I was). Another was about 9 yrs younger than I was, and he had a child who he hardly ever got to see (the child was about 10 yrs old then). And now, Hiker is 10 yrs older than I am, with 4 kids and 5 grandkids (soon to be 6 grkids)... and out of all of them, Hiker is the one who fits me best.

But I don't think it has anything to do with whether the man has children or not, or whether the man is involved with his kids or not. I just know that Hiker does understand my dating-and-kids juggling act more than anyone else I've dated, because he has kids with him pretty much 24/7 as his ex doesn't do much of the parenting. So in that case, we understand each other better and that alone can help a relationship to work. Just knowing what it's like to be in the others' shoes. But what makes us "click" so well- is the total of ALOT of various things, not just the existence of children.

I just think the children factor is just another of the many factors that have to be right between you and a potential partner, and you can't really say that have-kids or no-kids is a better way to go for anyone. It's all part of the package.

That's what makes finding a suitable partner so hard!! Because we can't just do a checklist on paper and have it work! It just has to work out IN PERSON too- because there are so many nuances to one item on a checklist, and so many ways of handling various life issues.

Don't search ONLY for men without kids... and don't mark off men just because they have kids, either! I just don't think you can make it quite so black-and-white. But if a man is going to treat you like you have a scarlet letter because you have kids, then show him the door, ASAP!

~shrimpy, amazed that any of us on this planet can ever find a match sometimes

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:32am

How old are your children Mark?

I had my oldest when I was 21 and my youngest when I was 28, so I know that I am definitely out of the bracket compared to parents that have children in their 30's. In 5 years, my oldest will be going to College and my youngest will be 12. UNBELIEVABLE! My girlfriend had children at a later age and she is now in her 40's with 9 year olds. So she often used to complain about the dating problem.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:47am

My two beautiful spirits who are my children are 14 yrs old (daughter) and 18 yrs old (son). I see them weekly for they live with their mother. Right now I hardly see them because of them being teens and rather be with their friends. I am already having Empty Nest Syndrome because my son will be off to college in a month and he's not even living with me! (plus he'll be only 1 hour away).

Funny that my last relationship was with a woman who had two adult children living with her (30, 27) which was an issue with me even though I kept saying to myself it was not MY issue and should not affect me. I think it was her emotional energy that was tied up with them that was what bothered me most. Her son is bipolar and had a hard time having steady work/school despite his college degree and good work ethic. Her daughter was finishing up her undergrad when I was seeing the mom.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 1:30pm

I agree with some other poster who said dealing with two parenting schedules could add another wrinkle to the situation. Especially because my kids' dad exercises his visitation schedule in only a VERY limited way (2 nights a month and never in a row). But that doesn't mean I would rule out getting to know anyone new - only I could stand to loose out on a good friend and some fun in that scenario.

Just back in the dating game and only having been on a couple of dates with the same guy. He doesn't have kids and hasn't dated someone with kids before so is looking for me to take the lead. We'll see how it goes.

That's my 2 cents.

By the by, Mark, I hope there are more guys like you out here on the East coast!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 1:54pm

I haven't dated anyone long enough to care.... As for right now, I don't factor in the difference between a guy with children or without... But I can relate to how you feel. I sometimes have days where I just don't feel like a guy would want to date me or if he does date me, is he trying to get something from me other just getting to know me.

Ya know, it is part of the MO of an abuser to date a single mom because he's attracted to her caregiver nature. Or I'm weary of the guy who wants to be mothered. *sigh* But I always give a guy a chance and only write them off because of something they did or said... And not just because of a prejudgement.

my 2 cents,
Loonybunny

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