How many of you are dating

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Registered: 04-08-2003
How many of you are dating
19
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:30am

men that have no children?
Would you rather date someone that does or doesn't have children and why?

I guess I am finally starting to give the guys without children a chance and I keep asking myself what do they want from me? Why do they want to get caught up dating someone that has kids when they don't? How do you overcome those thoughts?

I asked Mr. History why he wants to date me and he said, why don't you want to date someone that has no kids? So he threw it back at me. LOL. He said that once their was someone that he had a date with a few months back that said she would never date anyone divorced. He suddenly felt like he was carrying around the scarlet letter and I told him that is how I feel sometimes, by the way men without kids have treated me. I just feel so strange dating someone that could have someone else without kids at any time and now spending time with someone that does, when he doesn't.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 1:55pm
Good POINT!
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Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:22pm

Both of us have kids and have managed to work out some sort of schedule. Our kid weekends are the same so we have weekends together alone without kids unless we end up working. Throw in a work schedule that isn't always the same and we can end up not seeing each other for almost a week. That rarely happens though.

I've never dated a guy that doesn't have kids and I feel like they might not be understanding to the issues that single parents have. Lucky for me my youngest is 10 and I have two high schoolers so it's not AS bad as having little-little ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:51pm

Mostly a lurker here but I'll chime in.

I have 2 boys ages 8 & 6- have been dating my BF for two years and we're now engaged. He is 36, divorced, no kids (I'm 38). Dated several other guys before meeting him- some with kids, some not.

Current fiance of course had to adjust to the single mom schedule in the beginning but he did pretty well. Would occasionally be frustrated about something like plans falling through at the last minute but was always supportive and never had a bad attitude. I dated another guy w/out kids before him (not seriously but for a fair amount of time) and he was the same way- always supportive & understanding of my situation. I guess there are men out there that wouldn't be so understanding but I think there are PLENTY that are. One thing that might be important- my boys go to their dad's 2 nights a week and I have plenty of good babysitters so I have time/make time to date, build a relationship, etc.

Current fiance now thinks becoming a stepparent is the perfect thing for him. Although 36 isn't old he knows his window of opportunity to have his own kids was narrowing, and is fine with our decision not to have more. He & my friends jokingly call it "parenting light"- he missed the sleepless nights & diaper years, we get 2 nights free a week, and their dad pays half of their expenses- he thinks this is a pretty good deal.

One lesson learned- I went on a few dates with a guy who had 2 girls the same age as my boys. I liked him well enough- he was really attractive, nice, successful. About the 3rd date or so we got all the kids together & went to a park (very casual- and the kids were young so this was not inappropriate). And in about 10 minutes I realized that his parenting style was SO different from mine that there was NO WAY our relationship was going to go any further. And I'm sure he wasn't a bad parent...we were just so different. So that's my lesson there- if you think you like a guy with kids find some way to scope out those family dynamics early on!

So...like Kirarulez said...I never ruled anyone in or out based on whether they had kids or not...just took things as they came. But I do have to say I think I'm glad it turned out this way because SURELY it is easier to merge a family with only one set of kids because there are just less personalities involved.

Have any of you read Wendy Swallow's books? She has 2- one about divorce & one about remarriage- both memoirs, not advice books- they are a really good read. She did everything really well and is a success story but hearing her tell the logistics of creating a stepfamily with 4 teenage boys (2 from each side) practically made my hair catch on fire.

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 5:20pm

Awww thanks a whole new me *blush* Hey I AM a Noo Joisey native and moved out here to Oregon when my son was 5 months old (now 18 yrs old). I LOVE it here! I'm home.

I never was a in-your-face type of guy so I did not fit in the tough Jersey attitude. I do have a treasured 18 yr old Tshirt saying "New Jersey: Only The Strong Survive." I liked that What Exit Tshirt.. I grew up in Morristown, home of Craig of craigslist whom I knew.

Mark, youse gotta a problem wit dat?

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Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 6:45pm
I'm a Jersey Girl born and raised away to New England for a few years but back and loving it!
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Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:51pm

I'm dating a man without kids, and I've never actually dated a man with kids.

I think for me a big part of it is my age- I was 20 when I divorced, and I think finding a man in my age range at that point who had kids was nearly impossible.

Funny thing about it though is that I've nearly always dated men older than me- a couple who were older than my father.

I think for me a big part of it is that I'm inherently selfish. My children come first, and I know myself well enough to know that they always will. I don't think I'd make a good stepmother.

Finding men who were comfortable dating women with kids hasn't ever been that hard, but a lot of the time I've been single, I've been involved in very casual, short term relationships, where my kids didn't play a part at all. Working a man is was the only indicator to them that I even had kids, but it did help weed out men I wouldn't have wanted to date anyhow.

Now that I'm in a serious relationship, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to schedule around my kids AND someone else's, that I don't have to worry about parenting styles melding or clashing, and I can continue to spotlight my children without worrying about anyone else's.

Selfish, yes, but I am at least honest about it.

Moody, happy with her two


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Registered: 06-13-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 1:06pm

I recently ended a long-term relationship with a man with custody of his two kids. I honestly think my next serious relationship would be with a guy who either had no kids (preferably) or had kids every other weekend. This is just selfish of me, but I was always coming in second to his kids and it just got tiring - and eventually contributed somewhat to the demise of our relationship.

For this reason, I would appreciate a nice guy with no kids and also no living parents (the parent issue is another story). Maybe this is too much to ask for????

Avatar for mom2maggie
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Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:40pm
Same here - I'm selfish about my time and kids and I know it.
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Registered: 06-14-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:22am
I don't want to date anyone that doesn't have kids because I don't want to have anymore. My kids will be out of high school when I'm 40. I look forward to that. I didn't enjoy being pregant at all. Most of all I don't want to have to raise another one on my own. Worked away my kids childhood and I don't want to do it to another. I'm a firm believer that men have clocks as well and they just start ticking later on in life. Probally because their bodies don't have to go through the whole process. That is my only reason. If I met a guy who didn't have kids and couldn't have kids that would be a different story. It is all selfish on my end.

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