How to meet men who are interested

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
How to meet men who are interested
20
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 9:54pm

I am a 44 yo single mother - - - Where do I meet men????I have found the online experience quite negative with more game players than quality men. I work and therefore am quite busy with work or with my children. I have found that once a man finds out you have children - all you see is them walking in the other direction. Over and over again it is the same thing, no one wants any responsibilty. They want independent women (tell me who is more independent than a single mom)who have lots of free time for fun and travel)I think they confuse independence with someone with not many responsibilites.

Sorry about the ranting, but I feel that I am young enough, and attractive enough to attract a man, but that no one is willing to take a gamble on a woman like me. I live in a fairly affluent community, where most people are married ( the latest demographic survey had divorced people as less numerous than widows) so I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Other women who are single and in my age group have just given up - I can't even get my single women friends to plan activities with. The whole situation is really starting to get me down. I really seek companionship in my life and at this point feel every direction I turn there are roadblocks.

ADVICE, ADVICE, ADVISE

Thanks,
~ P. ~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 7:05am

Hi there and welcome to our board,

I understand your frustration and know that many others feel the same. It sounds to me like you need to make more time for yourself to pursue hobbies and activities so you will meet more people with like interests. I think you have to do that for yourself instead of just to meet someone.

We do have a good thread that will help:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8313.1&ctx=128

Good luck!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 9:33am
Patrikia being close to your age I understand what you are going thru. I will give you my my insight on it.
Woman today have kids at an older age than they did years ago. You see so many personal ads where woman who are in thier forties have 9 yr.old kids.
As a divorced man close to your age I dont want a woman with young kids. I have raised my own and ran around enough for a lifetime. I do however like kids please dont get me wrong. I would love to me a woman who does have older kids like 15yr.old and up.
Dont get me wrong but being divorced men kind of get used to the routine of having their own time.I work long hours and have classes two nights a week. Now on saturday I dont have to rush to do anything and I do my class work.
You will know when you meet the right person for you. It may happen with your kids after school programs. I wish you luck and dont give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 6:01pm

That is good advice, softballs. But I bet if you saw a *hot* mom with a 10 year old and she caught your eye and had time for you, you would reconsider!! ;-)

I was thinking more on this today, Patrika. And I think you should seriously forget about just trying to meet someone for now. This may sound like a lecture but it is helping me to type it because I do feel the way you do sometimes. Although lately it is less because of all this.

The positive side of your situation, right now, is that you have a clean slate. I know you have a job and kids and expenses and stuff like that, but you can do anything you want to do; you can accomplish anything you want; buy anything you want. You don't have the burden of having to please someone, negotiate with someone or battle someone as our other dear sisters who are married or in serious relationships have to do.

SO.... what are you waiting for? Make a dream list - what do you want to do with this time? Become spectacular for yourself and you will meet a ton of good prospects.

This is what I have been doing and it is working to make me feel better and be happy and feel attractive. I haven't met someone I want to date but I am getting interest and having fun.

Here is the dream list I am working on right now:

- supermodel teeth - that is right - my dentist replaced all of my silver fillings with white ones and redid one ugly crown that is 20 years old. I have bleached them white. They are now very nice and I go out of my way to smile. I did it in stages as I could afford it and the dentist gave me a discount for doing so much and paying cash. In the process I met a lot of single moms who work in her office - and some that want to go out.
- super fit - I am so fit I can do a half ironman!! In fact I did 3 of them this year. I focus on healthy eating and working out - a lot. Where there is a will there is a way and I stick to this. It is worth it to look good and feel good.
- professional kitchen - the home equity is helping me with a new kitchen - no one to argue about over stoves or cabinets. Like wow - I chose it all!!
- pool - this was my son's idea - and I interviewed all sorts of people and designed it just the way I want it - that is huge for me - but all of this is a good investment here because houses with these amenities go for a lot more than it costs to put them in. We will also have a nice patio and a little outdoor gas fire pit to toast marshmallows in the fall and winter months
- I have redone my closet - nothing dowdy in there - fun, hot clothes. I had my 20something babysitters help me with that. What a difference that makes for getting attention. They know all the cheap stores so I only pay $10 for tops or skirts or pants.
- go back to my old school for an updated certification for my career - this is in NY - and I am studying and studying - will have to learn to cook a rabbit!!
- set a goal to do an Ironman - just sent that to my coach and he is working on my running form. It is so fun to learn something new!! How many husbands would let you do that?

Just today when I was in the ebgames store, my phone rang this crazy race car ring tone - I assigned it to one of my girlfriends who drives very fast - and all of the guys in there thought that was neat. They started flirting with me and that was fun.

The guy who dropped off the cabinets likes me. And the guy in the auto parts store asked me out. And another guy who is a triathlete asked me.

On Saturday I was alone (ds was with his dad) and I took myself out to the movies - me, myself and I - and I got to pick any movie I wanted - which was Unfinished Life with Robert Redford - how many guys would want to go to that? Not many!! I LOVED IT!!

So you see, happiness is a state of mind that you choose. I used to be sad for being alone - and this would get worse when I remembered all of the bad things from my prior marriage. But I made myself shake it off. I live each day to be the best for me and DS.

I hope this helps. Incidentally, the message in that movie was great - you have to live now for now because that is all you have. I will post an update on that in a minute.

HUGS - please stay with us and post each day - I know you will find a terrific group of ladies and maybe some of them will more good things to say to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 6:13pm

What an awesome uplifting post!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 7:49pm
West I agree with Firstadmandent that was a very well thought out post. I wish I could get my thoughts together like that.
Now on your thought about a hot mother, yes it is a thought but I am a person who will stick to my way of thinking. I have done baseball year round , basket ball and soccer. I need my time right now in my life to be my time. I want to get a pilots liscene . Yes I did have a steady girlfriend for quite awhile but we broke up over something completely dumb . Back to Patrika you mentioned kids , well just dont drop them off at afterschool functions stay and meet the parents durning pratice .You can meet alot of singles that way both male and female. Over the course of alot of years I had made friends with many of both sexes. Also keep yourself visiable , do work on your house out front where people can see you ,you never know who will be jogging by LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 7:55pm
Patrikia lets turn this around a bit to see if I can help you.
How would I meet woman how are intrersted? What are their thoughts of trying to meet someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:17am

I'm a single father, been that way for years even before the divorce. Since my divorce, I have been looking for remarriage. Not "relationship", "someone to date", "someone to spend time with", and especially not FWB. When I looked at a woman, if she had no children, I pretty much wrote her off. I'm a father and I want someone who understands my relationship with my kids. I don't care how much empathy someone has, they don't know what it's like to have and raise kids unless they have done that.

So, my point is, there are men that prefer women that have children. I have a lot of single male friends that are the same way. I also know a lot of single males who are as you describe, and they are not part of my circle of friends because of their characters. I don't like them, I don't like being around them, I don't like listening to them.

I hope that you will take this as a kindly suggestion, but I wonder if the problem is perhaps in your eyes. You see attractive men, and they are the ones that turn and run. Perhaps you are blind to the men that are different. I cannot believe that the men are so different in my neck of the woods than they are where you live.

I can think of a whole list of reasons that child oriented men are not attractive to women (and I have seen that situation over and over), but since this is your situation, you are the one who needs to figure out if this is something that applies to you or not.

Good luck. Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 12:23pm

I live in a place like you describe. So, I feel your pain. People where I live are already coupled up. I don't know any other divorced people in my circle of friends (except for my SO).

I met my guy online, but it's funny because we rode the same train together for almost 4 years and could have met that way just as easily. So, I wouldn't give up on online dating. Just adjust your expectations for it and realize that if a man you met from online rejects you.....well, he might have just been looking for sex, or whatever the case may be...it's not personal.

Try not to generalize things and say that men won't like you because you have a kid, etc...One man will like you and you'll like him back. That's all you. One guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:00pm

P:

I can relate to your pain and frustration. I have felt this same way many times. And I think age has a lot to do with it; meaning that if I was 30-35, I wouldn't have any trouble finding men; or if I didn't have kids (I'll be 40 in November). But, that's just the way it is, and we have to make the best of the situation that we are in.

I've been single for almost 8 years now, and I, like you, are looking for companionship and maybe even marriage, if the right man comes along. I also agree with your statement that some single men do not want the responsibility of children. I found that out the hard way, three times. I'm still recovering from a broken heart. My babysitter and her husband came over a few weeks ago to cheer me up, and her husband said something interesting to me. He said, you have to get out there; Mr. Right is not going to knock on your door and say "here I am". No one likes to hear stuff like that, but he is absolutely right. I think the important thing is to just get out there, either with friends or by yourself. I know it's important for me, because if I sit at home by myself every time my kids are with their dad, I will go crazy, and become a negative, bitter person, and I'm way too young for that.

I was 32 when my twins were born, so now I'm 40 with 8-year-olds. And I do agree that some men would prefer to date women with grown children. In these past 8 years, I had 3 long-term relationships; all with 40-something men that had not been married and had no children. Yes, they all liked by children; but it was the responsibility of a long-term, everyday commitment that ended our relationships. The funny thing is, I never sought out any of these relationships, they just sort of happened; the first one was a guy man dad knew from a club he was in, the second was a neighbor down the street, and the third was a mortgage broker who did a re-finance for me. What I'm trying to say is that you can meet people anywhere at any time, and you never know. Of course, the more you are out in circulation, the more chances you will have to meet people. I was at Toys-R-Us last Saturday outside looking through their clearance toys, and a guy came up to me and started a conversation. It can happen anywhere at any time. I know Judy agrees with me on that. There was a post about a month ago from tstephnic about how women can find men. I printed it and I read it often because I think it's really funny, and also there are a lot of good points in there.

Just last week I asked myself, "where are all the single dads". So, I searched "single parents" on the web. Of course, there are dating websites for single parents. But there were also other things that came up, like organizations and stuff like that. It might be worth your while to do a little surfing.

Yes, dating at our age is a struggle, but I think we have to be positive, not give up, and be willing to try and do new things. I know it's easy to say and hard to do, even for myself. I'm a shy person at first, and it is hard for me to just start a conversation with a complete stranger. I really think you have to push beyond the barriers and really seek out to be busy and active where there are other people. I know I am trying to do that very thing right now. Most of my friends are married, and of those friends, they have children much older than mine. So, I've been trying to enlarge my circle of friends. Last time my kids were away, I asked my babysitter and her husband to go to dinner with me. Sometimes, you have to make the first move, and do the asking or suggesting, but it's well worth it. And if your single friends don't want to go out with you, find some friends that do. Believe me, I know it's not easy, and this isn't meant to be a lecture. What it is is one person (me) struggling with the same situation right now and trying to give you some ideas of things that I have tried. My break-up is very recent, and I know that if I don't get out and do things, I will sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

Good luck to you and keep posting. There is always someone here who can relate to your situation.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:21pm

Michael:

It's great to hear from a man on this subject, and I thought your response was well thought out.

I am a lot like you -- single mom, looking to get remarried. I like how you said that you wouldn't even consider dating a woman without kids; and you know friends that feel the same way. That gives me hope. And I think you were exactly on point when you said "I don't care how much empathy someone has, they don't know what it's like to have and raise kids unless they have done that." Unfortunately, it took me a while to figure that out. I think my problem is is that I was with the wrong kind of men. After three long-term, unsuccessful relationships with 40-something men that had never been married and had no children, I am definitely looking for a change in the men I date. I've been doing a little surfing, and when I decide to jump into the on-line dating pool, I know that I will only seek out men with children. But, like I said, that's just me, because I've had too many bad experiences with men without children, so I've got nothing to lose in trying something new. I have to also say that your comment about looking for attractive men was good also. I noticed when I was surfing, that the most attractive men to me were the ones that had simple, no-nonsense profiles that mentioned they had kids and wanted someone that also had kids. It didn't really matter to me what their picture looked like. The last guy I dated was, in my opinion, gorgeous or "hot", had a great job, money, etc. But none of that matters a hoot if the man can't or won't commit to the children that you have. Like I said, it's just unfortunate that it's taken me so long and I had to endure another heartbreak to figure that out. But, I am older and wiser now, and I try to learn from my mistakes.

I'd like to hear your list of "why child-oriented men are not attractive to women". Just curious. Right now in my life, I find single dads very attractive, but that's a product of my past experience and my age. I have several friends that are single dads, and I think they are great. In fact, I'd date them myself if they were related or too good of friends. There are a lot of special dads out there. Hopefully, all those dads can one day find all the special moms that are out there as well.

Thanks for your insight and good luck to you.

Donna

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