How much to disclose?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
How much to disclose?
12
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 11:52pm
I know this is such an individual choice.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 11:59pm

Well, I guess I am lucky because I have had enough no drama time after the drama of the past to be able to summarize it. I am over it - and do not feel the need to blab the whole process of everything that happened or how I got over it. But I might have had a little less drama than you or some here. I was lucky.

Okay - I can give an example - my date tonight asked about my exh. I said we get along fabulously now and do a good job with raising DS - we are civil. No problems - we have a flexible schedule and I let exh have DS anytime he wants - it is good for everyone.

It was not always like that - I had to set major boundaries and learn good communication skills. But I did not say all that - just we do okay now. And I have been divorced over 6 years, 4 of which were spent recreating myself and not dating. And now I see myself as the ultimate lucky lady my age - the fabulous single that gets away with all sorts of great stuff because I don't have to negotiate with anyone about what I want to do. I think that is the key - get happy and get over the past - and then date. You have a much better outlook and attitude.

But tell us more - what is it that you feel you want to tell? Tell us and we can surely validate your feelings and experiences - and maybe help you summarize them into a carry on? And who are you dating????




Edited 1/15/2008 5:59 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 9:54am

Hmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 11:16am

I try to work things in slowly, if things won't make it beyond a first or second date I hate to know that I told my stories up front, that I maybe scared them away.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 2:21pm

Everyone made some great points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 2:35pm

As they say in the military, "this information is on a Need-to-Know basis only."


I think the question to ask is: does he genuinely need to know this tidbit of information, where the relationship is, right now, today?


Be careful you don't confuse the question with: do I need to tell someone, or do I need him to accept this about me, because I'm having a hard time accepting it about myself.


Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 3:57pm

For someone like me, who is "WIDE" open. I know when not to talk about 'certain' things, but all in all, I don't like the whole need to know basis. I want someone to share a little at a time as we go through the relationship. If he asks questions, I want to have questions answered too. Not that I feel I'm revealing everything and he isn't. Nascar asked me a LOT of questions and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 6:52pm

"Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death. BFs have a different roles in our lives. Trying to have all our needs met in one person adds undue strain on the relationship.

Being 'honest and open' does not negate keeping healthy boundaries. 'Baring all' is not a requisite form of truth telling. Privacy is not the same thing as keeping secrets, and it's not a bad word, lol."

I like this. You are writing great policies - you just never knew it. I am still cracking up about the analogy of the menstrual cycle and finances with regards to telling the kids about dating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 1:18pm
I dont disclose much at ALL up front.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 01-16-2008 - 10:37pm

I agree about not making boyfriends your "counselors".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 5:35am
In your case, if you are truly not the "same person" as you were then, & you see NONE, NONE AT ALL!!!, red flags about this guy (i say that b/c people in your situation, of growing up abused, & people in my AND your situation, of choosing an abusive partner in the past, tend to make the mistake AGAIN! ugh) - then i say its likely ok to not disclose. BUT, i think the marriage history, is LESS important to disclose in your situation, than teh childhood history. I think if i were serious with someone with that history, after 6 months, I would want to be told.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

Photobucket

Pages