Well, I guess I am lucky because I have had enough no drama time after the drama of the past to be able to summarize it. I am over it - and do not feel the need to blab the whole process of everything that happened or how I got over it. But I might have had a little less drama than you or some here. I was lucky.
Okay - I can give an example - my date tonight asked about my exh. I said we get along fabulously now and do a good job with raising DS - we are civil. No problems - we have a flexible schedule and I let exh have DS anytime he wants - it is good for everyone.
It was not always like that - I had to set major boundaries and learn good communication skills. But I did not say all that - just we do okay now. And I have been divorced over 6 years, 4 of which were spent recreating myself and not dating. And now I see myself as the ultimate lucky lady my age - the fabulous single that gets away with all sorts of great stuff because I don't have to negotiate with anyone about what I want to do. I think that is the key - get happy and get over the past - and then date. You have a much better outlook and attitude.
But tell us more - what is it that you feel you want to tell? Tell us and we can surely validate your feelings and experiences - and maybe help you summarize them into a carry on? And who are you dating????
I try to work things in slowly, if things won't make it beyond a first or second date I hate to know that I told my stories up front, that I maybe scared them away.
As they say in the military, "this information is on a Need-to-Know basis only."
I think the question to ask is: does he genuinely need to know this tidbit of information, where the relationship is, right now, today?
Be careful you don't confuse the question with: do I need to tell someone, or do I need him to accept this about me, because I'm having a hard time accepting it about myself.
Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death.
For someone like me, who is "WIDE" open. I know when not to talk about 'certain' things, but all in all, I don't like the whole need to know basis. I want someone to share a little at a time as we go through the relationship. If he asks questions, I want to have questions answered too. Not that I feel I'm revealing everything and he isn't. Nascar asked me a LOT of questions and
"Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death. BFs have a different roles in our lives. Trying to have all our needs met in one person adds undue strain on the relationship.
Being 'honest and open' does not negate keeping healthy boundaries. 'Baring all' is not a requisite form of truth telling. Privacy is not the same thing as keeping secrets, and it's not a bad word, lol."
I like this. You are writing great policies - you just never knew it. I am still cracking up about the analogy of the menstrual cycle and finances with regards to telling the kids about dating!
In your case, if you are truly not the "same person" as you were then, & you see NONE, NONE AT ALL!!!, red flags about this guy (i say that b/c people in your situation, of growing up abused, & people in my AND your situation, of choosing an abusive partner in the past, tend to make the mistake AGAIN! ugh) - then i say its likely ok to not disclose. BUT, i think the marriage history, is LESS important to disclose in your situation, than teh childhood history. I think if i were serious with someone with that history, after 6 months, I would want to be told.
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
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Well, I guess I am lucky because I have had enough no drama time after the drama of the past to be able to summarize it. I am over it - and do not feel the need to blab the whole process of everything that happened or how I got over it. But I might have had a little less drama than you or some here. I was lucky.
Okay - I can give an example - my date tonight asked about my exh. I said we get along fabulously now and do a good job with raising DS - we are civil. No problems - we have a flexible schedule and I let exh have DS anytime he wants - it is good for everyone.
It was not always like that - I had to set major boundaries and learn good communication skills. But I did not say all that - just we do okay now. And I have been divorced over 6 years, 4 of which were spent recreating myself and not dating. And now I see myself as the ultimate lucky lady my age - the fabulous single that gets away with all sorts of great stuff because I don't have to negotiate with anyone about what I want to do. I think that is the key - get happy and get over the past - and then date. You have a much better outlook and attitude.
But tell us more - what is it that you feel you want to tell? Tell us and we can surely validate your feelings and experiences - and maybe help you summarize them into a carry on? And who are you dating????
Edited 1/15/2008 5:59 am ET by cl-west1745
Hmmm.
I try to work things in slowly, if things won't make it beyond a first or second date I hate to know that I told my stories up front, that I maybe scared them away.
April
Everyone made some great points.
As they say in the military, "this information is on a Need-to-Know basis only."
I think the question to ask is: does he genuinely need to know this tidbit of information, where the relationship is, right now, today?
Be careful you don't confuse the question with: do I need to tell someone, or do I need him to accept this about me, because I'm having a hard time accepting it about myself.
Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death.
For someone like me, who is "WIDE" open. I know when not to talk about 'certain' things, but all in all, I don't like the whole need to know basis. I want someone to share a little at a time as we go through the relationship. If he asks questions, I want to have questions answered too. Not that I feel I'm revealing everything and he isn't. Nascar asked me a LOT of questions and
"Our BFs aren't our counselors, and they aren't our GFs with whom we can analyze everything to death. BFs have a different roles in our lives. Trying to have all our needs met in one person adds undue strain on the relationship.
Being 'honest and open' does not negate keeping healthy boundaries. 'Baring all' is not a requisite form of truth telling. Privacy is not the same thing as keeping secrets, and it's not a bad word, lol."
I like this. You are writing great policies - you just never knew it. I am still cracking up about the analogy of the menstrual cycle and finances with regards to telling the kids about dating!
I agree about not making boyfriends your "counselors".
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
Pages