How much discussion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
How much discussion?
5
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 6:19pm

I just read an article about how divorce is like breaking an addiction, and I agree because I MISS having daily companionship. Obviously it was one-sided or he wouldn't have left, but I looked forward to my husband coming home, greeting him with a kiss, and catching up on the day. I miss that affection.

So now that I'm dating, I'm having a hard time figuring out the boundaries and I'm worried I will scare off good prospects. Most guys seem to only have time for one weekend date, one casual mid-week date if I'm very lucky, and maybe a phone call or text every other day. I'd like more than that! I'd like to know that he's thinking about me, even if it's just once per day text especially in the beginning of a relationship. Otherwise, I get maybe 4 hours in person on the weekend and may 1 phone call and 2 texts. That doesn't seem like much to build a relationship on. Am I expecting too much or being too clingy?

I had one guy call me 10 days after a date and wonder why I was irritated; he'd been traveling on business and didn't have time to call, email or text. If that's how you treat a first date, then how would he be in a serious relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 6:39pm

yep, i think your statement is true. divorce is like breaking an addiction.


my analogy is that you need a different set of tools. for example to plant a seed you need a plow. and then when it comes time to harvest you need a collecting tool.


when you are in a relationship. there is a lot tended to the relationship. a lot of your thinking is about the "we". BUT when you are single and dating, you need to focus more on yourself. as an individual. it's a different focus than when you are in a relationship. i'm not sure i'm making any sense... but each season in your life has great value. Being single has great value. You can come and go as you please. Make decisions based on your own needs. It is less about the union and more about your independence.


So, i think all dating experiences and new relationships starting out should be seen from the "single" point of view... and not so much as a couple point of view. it is quite different.... but if you think like a "couple" too soon in the relationship, then it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 7:17pm
I agree w/ what loonybunny said. I'd also say that it depends on how long you have been dating. In the beginning, I'd say that a couple of dates a week is pretty good. I think when you get serious, then it's natural to spend more time together. I can remember when I first started dating my 2nd DH--he always had a babysitter on Thurs. nights, so we always went out that night, then it would be only EO weekend when my kids were at their dad. But gradually we kept adding more time, like sometimes I would go over for dinner another night, then after the kids became acquainted, we spend every weekend together. But it also depends on what the guy is looking for, whether he wants to eventually have a serious relationship or just casual dating. Right now I would really only be interested in casual dating, so that amt. of contact would be fine w/ me. I really don't even want to talk to someone every day, plus I have to work things around the kid schedule. So I think it varies for everyone. But if you are too demanding of their time before you really get serious, then I think it's the kiss of death because you come across as too needy.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 10:55pm

I think that in the beginning that it is not even a relationship but “test driving” so hence the occasional contact you are speaking of. Once I am seriously dating then I would like to make more contact with that one person. Those people who are casually dating then they probably “time share” between people.

I too would wonder why someone would get irritated if I called back after a couple of weeks. I found people have busy lives and don't make me their first priority so I get relegated behind work, family, friends and other activities and then me. For this guy who called after 10 days, be aware that he is not in a serious relationship with you (and visa versa).

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 12:22am
I hear you, and I don't think you're being unreasonable. I haven't gone a day without significant contact from my BF since we met, and I would not have it any other way. I have dated guys who were fine with far less contact and it never worked out. I would never have been happy with that. I feel like if a guy is really into me he will not want to go several days without talking to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 11:17am

I think that expecting a guy you went out with one time to call you when out of town on business is expecting too much. If you have just started dating, you should just go out and have fun. Meet lots of different guys and see how they fit with your life. It sounds to me like you just want an instant relationship regardless of the person. That really is a bad frame of mind to have. You need to look for the person that fits with you and your goals and priorities. Spend some time dating and getting to know some different people and personalities. Then start thinking more about a relationship.

HTH
Priscilla