how much do you share with the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
how much do you share with the kids?
13
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 6:07am
So how much info is acceptable to share with your kids about dating? You dating specifically. I know the thoughts of "my kids don't date" and I agree . I Have three tennagers, a preteen and a grade schooler. Its the two teen girls asking questions, teasing etc. They are soon to be 14 and 16 1/2. They have not meet my friend yet but know of him and ask alot of questions. Basically the whats he look like, whats does he do type questions. At this point my kids know we are friends and know I like him. They know I speak to him on the phone. Not too long ago my daughter asked why I am not dating him. We both work long days and have kids so that excuse gets along. My oldest is continually offering to babysit, always telling me to go out etc. Now my youngest tells me to tell him goodnight when I call and wants to know why he can't meet this friend like he has my other friends. I will be bringing up the subject of meeting the kids with him soon. In the meatime we are going out soon and I know there will be tons of questions and lots of teasing etc. I dont want to lie to them about where I am going or with who. I geuus I am also afried of my x's reaction to all this. How did any of you handle that issue with the X? Rrrrrrrrrrr! What should be a simple fun loving time in my life is wrought with so much confusion. Any thoughts? And how do you go about introducing so many kids to a new person with out it being overwhelming for both the kids and the new guy? I know my kids and they will be right in his face and very excited about my friend, they are very accepting and fun kids who love adult company and attention. My real concern is my teenage son who has a tendency to be a loner and one of the kids who has always been hard to read, he doesnt say much. So many concerns! When do you bring the new guy around? Should he meet them a couple at a time in nutral territory etc? Sorry so many questions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 6:28am

Welcome!! Your kids sound really neat - I think that your daughters are very cute.

Kids know more than we give them credit and they are very curious. It sounds like your kids want the best for you and have a healthy attitude.

I think that for now you should keep your private life private. Do you have a cell phone so he can call you on that instead of your land line? That would help. If I was you, I would want to keep things as low key as possible. You shouldn't really lie to your kids but you should not give them information either - does that make sense?

I think you could say you are going to approach this as just being friends with this man and see how it goes and that if it gets more serious then you would tell them (the kids) and they would get to meet him.

I think your girls are interested in boys and dating and they think this is fun and want to bond with you. As for the boy who is quiet, you might just want to mention that everything is fine and if something major happens you will let him know. And if he has any concerns that he should tell you.

With regards to the exh - I would tell the kids they must keep your private life private and protect you and not say anything. My son does this for me. I would go to great lengths not to have the exh find out - especially in the beginning. I always try to keep my private life private from my exh.

For now, just enjoy this time for you. These are good problems - you have someone you like who is interested in you and that is such a blessing. Enjoy the moment and live in the moment. When you see that he is "that into you" then you will know when to have him meet your kids. If he already has kids he is going to be experienced with kids and having an ex and you will be okay.

Keep us posted - tell us more about him and yourself. Stay on our board!!

Again - I send you a big hug and a big welcome!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 7:47am

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

Dating get's so complicating when kids and X's are involved! ISN'T IT? Nothing is like it once was. ARGH!

I often wish things were easier, but I agree to what West says. On the other hand:

How long have you been seeing him? I guess you would have to fill us in with a little more detail? Is this the first date you've introduced to your children? How long have you been divorced now? How old are his children? Have you met them yet? Any talks in regards to that? These are just a few questions to let us get a feel for YOUR situation, because each situation is different.

Hope you stay on board with us! LOL
- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:42am

Welcome to the board! Glad to have you here.


A few questions that I have after reading your post. Is this the first time you've dated as a single mom? Is it moving towards a relationship? Or just fun?


My kids and I had a talk before I started dating, but any time is good, to lay some ground rules


Some of mine are


1) I'm your Mom, not your peer/friend. I'll tell you what you need to know about people I meet and you won't meet them unless I think it's a good idea.


2) I don't want you to talk about my private life with your dad, if he asks tell him to ask me if he needs information. And, the less you tell them the less information they have if the ex does bug them about it. They can honestly say "I don't know Dad, ask Mom".


3) I wouldn't go for the teasing, again I'm Mom, not a friend they need to tease. WE do a lot of joking around, and have a lot of fun, but that's a little out of bounds for me.


I've found that I'm much happier keeping dating and kids separate for the most part. Especially when I'm dating people they don't already know.


Whatever ground rules you decide on, just discuss it with your kids. ANd then, have fun! That's what dating should be.


Candi

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:49am
Great ground rules, I just don't agree to all of them. I rather have them support, make jokes and be curious, then to either have a fit, or ignore it. It makes me know my kids are happy if I am happy and they are curious. However, for the most part, I totally agree. As usual! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:02am

Don't get me wrong, my kids are supportive. The girls always help me decide what to wear or help me fix my hair. And my son is always ready to "kick the guy's a**" if he's not good to me. LOL


I mean the teasing part. I don't do that to them either, and they are REALLY glad of that now. My son had a date last night and his locks froze shut, so we had to go rescue him with some hot water. I was pleasant but I certainly didn't tease him. He was embarrassed enough. LOL Poor guy. And he knew he wasn't going to get ribbed about it today either.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:12am
oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! you mean that sort of teasing??!! I agree totally! I get nervous enough as it is before going on a date. Can you believe it? Me nervous? But I do. Everytime! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:19am
me too...still get butterflies. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:36am

When I was little my mom kept her dating completely away from us. She had two serious boyfriends and each time we knew who the guy was, and there was an occasional day trip or something, but that was it. They didn't spend time in our home with us.

I think I was 16 or almost 17 when my mom started dating my step-dad. We met him because he was trying to sell my mom a car. She didn't buy it from him because he had asked her out and she thought it was a conflict, what if she didn't like the car after she bought it? So she bought the exact same car from someone else and started dating him. I think she kept it away from us pretty well. I'm guessing she met him out becuase I don't remember him coming to pick her up much. He didn't hang around until it was very serious, and shortly after he moved in.

I kept my bf away from dd for almost a year, when the accidently met. I didn't talk to him on the phone until after she was asleep, I only saw him on nights she was at her dad's (for the most part) and if he came over when she was home it was after she was alseep and he would (was supposed to) leave before she woke up. My ex and I had agreed to let each other know if we were in a serious relationship before that person met dd. My ex knew I had a bf (I had told him) and he wasn't too happy that he met dd the way he did (one morning). But he got over it pretty quick.

I think it's good to keep things away from the ex until the bf is going to meet the children. Your children are older and you can ask them not to talk about it, my dd is too young for that. She talks about whatever she wants and she would not understand why she would ever have to keep something from her dad. I also think it's polite to tell your ex yourself when the children are going to meet the bf, it will go better if he hears it from you rather than from the kids. Then when the kids say something he doesn't have some shocked response like, "oh my goodness what the heck I had no idea she was dating what's his name what's he look like and I can't believe this is happening," instead he can say, "yes I know you met so-and-so, your mom told me about it, so how do you feel about meeting him?" He's going to find out anyway, so telling him in advance is a sign of respect. Plus it gives him the opportunity to ask any questions like how do you know he's not a criminal or will harm the children, how should we handle the idea of sleeping over and what do we say to the kids if one of us does that, how involved do you expect this person will be in the children's lives, etc. It's his business too since they are his children, and he has a right to know about someone new and important coming into their lives.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:14am

You are the sweetest mom for how you handled the car problem with your son. It shows that you practice what you preach.

I do like your rules!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:57am

Thanks..his date was a real cutie and seemed very nice. She's 16..he's the older man this time. *giggle* I did remind him of his duty to behave like a gentleman.


My son also knows that if he doesn't treat his dates right and I find out about it, I will make him pay. *muahahahaaaa*


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