How often do you see each other?
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How often do you see each other?
| Thu, 11-17-2005 - 5:03pm |
Hi guys - I've been reading for a long time, but haven't posted yet. I have a question for you all - how much time do you have to see someone that you're dating? The guy I'm seeing has 2 kids that he has almost half the time, and I have 2 kids as well. Here is our current availablility: every other weekend, every other weds evening, and every other sunday evening. Not much I guess. He is not happy and wants to see me more, but we have not met each others kids yet - it's only been 2 1/2 months. Of course I'd like to see him more, but it's almost impossible. What do you guys do to make more time? How does this compare to your available time for dating?
Thanks!

Hello and welcome.
Right now I am not seeing anyone.
If I was dating, I would want to spend one weekend evening and maybe one evening or lunch during the week for dating to start. I would want to go slow for a few months to see how it goes. I define slow as not being intimate and not seeing each other too much.
While your schedule is not generous, it does sound workable.
How do you feel about him now after 2.5 months? He is really into you - or just the intimacy?
As for suggestions on how to make more time - you will have to wait before you involve the kids.
Is there a way for both of you to get a sitter to go out after the kids are asleep? Or if only one has the kids the other can come over after they are in bed? Can you meet for lunch during the work week?
The positives of your situation are that you don't want to go too fast and the kids are a blessing in disguise to keep you slow. Additionally, you know he is a good person and good father for being involved in his kids' lives.
Maybe if you tell us more we can help more.
I have my dd every other week and when I was dating my x-bf, he had his son every other weekend and every wednesday night (for the first 9 months of our relationship, after that his son moved away).
Saw your message and thought I'd respond, having been through this before...I get a babysitter! It's not always easy to make time for myself, but I've found that when I do; I am a much better mother for it. It was hard at first, when I started dating after my divorce, and the initial guilt was rough. But I made myself do it, for the above stated reasons. We single mothers often end up with the kids at least 75% of the time - more often it's 85%+; how do you take care of yourself and your own needs when you're always being the Mom?
Now that my kids are older and we've settled into a single parenthood routine, I don't feel guilt at all for getting a sitter when I need it. My girls actually enjoy the break from me and the change in their routine, too. My oldest is now old enough to babysit her sister herself and that makes her feel very grown-up and responsible (and I pay her for it!)
My SO and I introduced our kids after 3 months, knowing that it would give us more time together. We took it slow and after 1 1/2 years, still make sure we spend plenty of "alone" time with our kids. I know there are TONS out there who disagree with me on the time frame, but my rationale was that the kids actually enjoy their company in small doses... and the group activities we do are a blast for all involved. We also knew we were pretty serious with each other at that point and were dating exclusively. What is the difference between joining a "friend" for activities with their kids, and that friend being someone you are romantically involved with? We don't kiss or hold hands in front of the kids - the most we've ever done is put our arms around eachother or hug occasionally (but I do that with my girlfriends, too!)
My kids (and his) have not once questioned our relationship nor expressed disinterest. The only hassle came from his ex (and this continues to be a sore point) but we figured as long as the kids enjoyed the interactions, then all was ok, because it's not about her, anyway. So far, so good. They actually look forward to seeing eachother every other weekend and enjoy planning events for that time.
I will honestly admit (and please no one rake me over the coals for this one!) to having my SO over after the kids were asleep, for a little R&R time for us both. Sometimes, sneaking in a few hours late at night was the best we could do. I felt like a sneaky teenager, but sometimes that was the only balance I could find. Oh well - we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.
It's funny that before... I worried what my kids would think about me dating and having "strange" men in my life. My therapist bluntly pointed out that the home is where kids learn to have relationships... as long as I am positive about it and they understand what it means to be an adult and have adult relationships, then it's ok for kids to experience the ups AND downs... how else do they learn if we protect them from absolutely everything?!
I am sure you'll get lots of great advice from the others on this site - I've only been on it for the last week and I love it! Nice to feel not so alone in my situation.
Sheila
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. We live an hour away from each other. I have my daughter full time. We ( my bf and I ) see each other every Monday after work for a few hours and one weekend day about every other weekend. So it works out to 1 night for sure and a few extra times here and there. It is not ideal and we would love to see each other more, but we are both busy with work and I need to spend quality time with DD. We also keep in daily contact with either phone calls once dd is asleep or email.
We also do group outings with dd. We took her to a pumpkin patch for halloween. I make it clear to her that BF is just a friend and we have no PDA when she's around.
The way I see it is that if BF and I are ment to be, then spending more time together will happen naturally. If we have the rest of our lives together, we can make sacrifices earlier in the relationship. We even remark that if we can make it through this stage than we can make it thorugh anything.
Clear as Mud, right? Seriously I hope it all made sense and helps
Susan