How should I handel this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
How should I handel this?
12
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:43am
Hello everybody,

I never posted on this forum but am permanent visitor. I learn quite a lot from the posts here. Now, I want to seek your advice on my situation. I am a single mother of two lovely boys of 8 and 6. As you all may know life is challenging but we are managing well. Sometimes I get a call or talk from the teachers telling me that my boy could not listen to her and they say we know it is difficult as a single mom... My answer was that being a single mom is not excuse to misbehave and I told them life is a challenge and we are strong enough to deal with it. My younger one has a problem making friends at school. He complained that nobody wants to play with him he is lonely. I had to talk to the teachers and even principal to make extra efforts to help his classmate to be friendlier. Thanks to GOD there is improvement and things are going well for both of them.

Now, there is a single dad (widowed) with whom I work. He has two children with him 9 and 13. He is very kind to us. He sometimes came to school with me to talk to the teachers and principal. Actually I like him a lot. We talk about everything all our concerns. Once we went out for a drink and when he dropped me he expressed his feelings towards me. Unfortunately, I rejected that. My reason was I don't want to be with a colleague from work. Then he retreated, we continued to be friends. Recently, I moved to the same complex he is living. So we are neighbors. Now it is my turn to think over everything and I tried to reach out for him. He sort of pushing and keeping distance. I asked him even to go for a drink he pretended to be busy. Finally yesterday he asked me to go for lunch and we did. We had quiet lunch. Today it seems he is also trying to reconsider the relationship. I believe, he is a good person and he is vulnerable like me. He loves kids. I want to start some lasting relationship. How best should I proceed? I don't want to fail. We both need this to work. Shall I just wait for him to come forward or shall I also do something?

Any idea is appreciated.

Thank you.

Lili

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:56am

Glad you posted!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:14am

Hi Lili! Welcome to the board. (Though you've apparently been here for some time anyway) I am SO glad you came out of lurkdom and I hope you feel comfortable enough to join us and keep posting!


Anyway...


My first thought is "Good job!" on being cautious, evaulating your feelings and knowing what you want to go for ahead of time. You did well in inviting him and taking the initiative this time. I am glad he reciprocated and took you to lunch. What did you think? Any sparks or chemistry there? Did you have a great time, or were you too worried/nervous to just be yourself about it?


You made a comment that concerns me. ...I don't want to fail. We both need this to workI... I wonder, why do you seem to be putting all of your eggs in this ONE basket, so to speak? Why do you both NEED THIS one relationship to work, and why are you so worried about it "failing"? I don't tend to think of any dating relationship as a failure. You try them on for size. See how the relationship "fits" at that new level. If it doesn't, it's no one's fault or failure.


Try REALLY hard to just have fun. See how it goes. Enjoy one another's company in this new capacity. And talk about it! Talk about the fact that you're worried it might ruin a good thing, while not developing well into the relationship you are envisioning and see how HE feels about that. In the meantime, if you haven't already thought of it, I'd keep all of your children as far out of things as possible. Since you are already friends, I imagine your kids already know one another and are somewhat involved already. But you can still keep them very distant from the dating relationship.


Good luck and keep us posted on how things go! Remember, have fun and don't pressure yourself!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:15am

Hey, I picked J up at work, remember? LOL


Though generally speaking I tend to agree with you. It would have been uncomfortable if things had ended, and ended badly between us!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:13am
Lili,

I can see his point of view of being cautious- he had asked you out once and you said no, so when the tables turned for you, he wasn't as willing to get that rejection again. But you've now come to realize that you really enjoy his company and you have some things in common. That's great! I think you need to invite him for a coffee and let him know how you feel- honestly. He needs to hear why you said no the first time, how you were worried because the two of you work together. And he needs to know why the change of heart- that you really value his friendship and have wondered about taking the next step. He laid it out for you once, now you can lay it out for him. You said you two remained friends after he told you his feelings, so I doubt it would send him running if you tell him yours.

And don't worry so much about the relationship failing. You have a great friendship already.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:10pm

Hi Lili, welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 7:49pm
I will quote you a Zen saying about travel, "The enlightened traveler has no itinerary and never really arrives."

It is better to take each day as it comes and experience what unfolds before you. Do not have expectations or worries or even an itinerary - just enjoy him and each moment you have together. Let it all unfold the way it was meant to be.

Of course you can look your best and flirt a little, too.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:06am
Hello everyone,

Thank you Ladies. You are all great with great ideas, wisdom and exprience of life. I will try to take each day as it comes. No rush no worry, after all I have not only servived being single but enjoying it. I will post and let you know any development.

Have a great weekend.

Lili
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:02am
Hello Ladies,

Hope everyone is doing well. I just want to drop few lines about my current status and seek further advice on how to proceed. I don't know how to call him, I will just say Mr. X has invited me again for a friendly dinner over the weekend. He told me beforehand that we need to be back before 11:00 PM to pick up his daughter from school party. So the dinner was just for two and we talked about our past childhood, school years, our future viosion etc. without tocuing the main point. I am taking it also very easy not to rush in anything. He is also coming to visit me in my office quite often. Something funny is when we see eachother in the meeting I think we scare a little bit more to eachother and am sometimes afraid that others could notice. Anyway, I think there is this desire of attraction but I think we both are afraid of rushing and making mistakes. I am not sure what I should do next. Shall I just wait?

As I have indicated in my original post, he previously proposed to be my man and asked me to be his woman. I rejected that by saying I don't want any relationship at work. But I don't beleive in that myself anymore. I think am confused.

Regards and many thanks.

Lili

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:30pm

Hi Lili,


I had a feeling he would ask you out over the weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:38pm
You have to wait and see what happens. It sounds like you both are building an attraction and he is pursuing you nicely. Take your time. Make sure he is right for you. And keep being discreet at work.

The topic will come up when the time is right I am sure.

Unless you are trying to be CEO of a fortune 500 company I would not worry about work and romance. Especially since he seems like such a respectable/mature person.

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