How to tell kids about a BF
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How to tell kids about a BF
| Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:58pm |
Hi!
I'm new to this board, been divorced two years and just started dating again----my question is how do you tell your kids (or should you) that you are dating again---my daughters are 8 and 11, and I feel as if I'm doing something wrong going behind their backs----we are a very tight little trio, and I would never do anything to hurt them, but I have been seeing this guy (the first--and only-- one since the divorce) for two months now---and it feels as if I should tell them that he exists. PLEASE any advice you have would be greatly appreciated----this is all very new to me! THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR ADVICE!!!
Kristie

My dd is younger, but I'll take a whirl and give you my opinion (take it for what it's worth, because my dd met my bf on ACCIDENT after he slept over one night, he came after she was asleep and the plan usually worked that he left before she woke up, but enough about me already)...
I think if you only date when your children are visiting their father, then it's easy to keep it a secret and it's probably not a bad idea to do so. If they know something is up because you are having them go to Aunt Betty's house more frequently to sleep over, and they are asking some probing questions, then it might be better to let them know you are dating (although saying you are going out with friends is fine too). When children are older, say teenagers, and they can stay home by themselves and they see you are getting ready for a date and they know better than to think you are going out with friends in that slinky black dress, that is when you can't keep it from them and you have to be upfront and honest. As far as your dating progress - that you've been seeing one guy for a couple months - I don't think you gain anything by telling them that. They aren't going to be giving you advice on whether you should let it get more serious or be giving you moral support, and they might not be excited for you either, so the fewer details the better. When it starts to get serious and there is talk of long term committment, that is when they really should know and possibly discuss meeting the new guy.
I don't think you are doing anything behind their backs, you can still be close and not tell them everything. However, I'll also say that their isn't any one right answer and doing what you feel is best usually works fine.
Thanks---the problem is that they are never with their father---I have them 24/7---so far I have been getting babysitters and he has never been to my house, so maybe it is best to keep it that way for awhile....
I appreciate your advice!!!
Kristie
I would not tell them about him until you are reasonably sure he is going to stay around - to me this means somewhere after the 3-5 month mark. And then I would keep it casual - he is just a friend for mommy - just like you have friends.
Your relationship and dating is an adult private matter and you should only mention things to them as it affects their world, not as a conversational means for yourself. This is the advice and opinion of my family counselor after I was divorced and it has worked for me.
I want my child to feel secure - I don't want him to worry about who I am dating in the sense that it will change his world. He has seen the men I have dated as workout partners and friends to go to movies/dinner - just like he does with his play dates.
I do sympathize with your situation of the babysitter - that makes it harder on you that you don't have help or time to yourself. I just hope that you will do what is right for you in the long term - not just for the short term. There is another post on this board about a mom who is torn because her live in boyfriend is leaving her and in addition to her pain of losing him and the relationship, she must deal with the pain of her children losing a father figure for her children.
If you look at this as a blessing to keep you slow and to shake out his real intentions that might help you deal with it better.
Best wishes to you and welcome to our board. I hope I have helped you in some way - and that you will stay and post with us more often. Tell us more about you and your BF - how did you meet him?
Have a good day!! :-)