How to tell my daughter about my new bf?
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| Tue, 07-15-2008 - 5:22pm |
I'm sure there's got to be plenty of people that have come here looking for advice on how to approach the subject of dating and introducing boyfriends to their children. My situation might not even be that unusual...
My divorce will be final in a few weeks. I married at 22 and lived with a sexually repressed man who starved me for intimacy for almost 18 years. Can't believe I waited as long as I did to ask him for a divorce, about a year ago. He lives in another state, and I do everything I can to make sure he has as much access to our 10 year old daughter as possible. I've been dating, casually, since then. And have not discussed anyone with nor introduced anyone to my child. But I have told her that eventually, I'm going to start dating. Her reaction was, "I don't really want you to."
Nice try, kiddo.
Anyway, something amazing happened to me recently. My first love found me after 27 years, and we're dating, seriously. There's no need for the regular b.s. I've had to deal with dating other men my age. No games, no pussyfooting around. We know each other at the core, and we're happy to be with one another again. It feels so right. He brings out the best in me, as opposed to my ex, who brought out the worst. I have no interest in casually dating anyone else, neither does he. We want to be together. This is all happening pretty fast, which is a little scary. But we have that history together which has allowed us to just pick right back up where we left off in high school.
I've met his 12 year old son, and we get along very well. But he has not yet met my daughter, who's been spending time with her dad this summer. My daughter does not even know that we're dating. I'm going to wait another month or two to introduce her to my BF, but I'd like to figure out a way to tell her that I have a man in my life without freaking her out. I think it might be a bit alarming for her that suddenly her mommy has gone from being alone for a year to having a serious boyfriend. She's a very sensitive and naive girl, but very smart. Does anyone have any good suggestions on how to approach this with her, or any suggestions for resources I should go find?
Thanks

My advice would be to introduce her as a friend and tell him to keep his hands to himself for a bit. :)
There's nothing wrong with dating, but you want to ease her into the idea- and having no pressure is the best way. Introduce her with others around- throw a bbq or picnic with a couple of your friends, have her invite some of her friends and go from there. That way she won't see him as any different than your other friends and will likely feel more relaxed.
Thank you for the response, Alison!
Actually introducing her is the 2nd step, which won't happen for awhile. I just thought perhaps I should tell her, maybe while she and I are on vacation next week, that I'm actually dating. I just don't know how much information I should actually give her - she's a very inquisitive kid who doesn't give up. If she wants to know something and she doesn't get the answer, she keeps on pressing until eventually she gets answer. So I need to be prepared for that.
He lives 3 hours away, so we don't have the leisure of being able to see each other except on the weekends. So it seemed to me to perhaps have a conversation with her before she actually gets to meet him might be in order, just to sort of prepare her for the idea of meeting him. Because when she does, he will most likely be staying at my home, in the guest room downstairs. So I can always introduce him as a friend, but she's a smart kid... she'll figure it out anyway. I'm really just trying to figure out the best way to explain to her that I have someone special in my life.
Interestingly, with his son... he didn't hide his affection for me. He told his son that I was someone very special to him, that he had known for 28 years. And when they arrived, I was expecting him to keep his distance, but he gave me a big hug and kiss, and allowed his son to see him be somewhat affectionate with me throughout the weekend. Not overtly, but definitely obvious that we were affectionate with each other. He said that it felt wrong to not be himself around his son, to hold back and pretend that he didn't have feelings and affection for me. His son (12) took it very well, we got along wonderfully, and for him, it was probably the right move. But his son has really not seen his dad with his mother but has seen each of them with other partners. My ten year old has only seen me with her father for 9 years. So a little bit different.
Welcome to our board! Try to remember that it is a HUGE adjustment for our kids when their parents divorce. Their world is turned upside down. You may be hunky dory with your new life and boyfriend, but try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes. First you have to get used to the fact that your family is no longer intact. Then BOOM, your parents have boyfriends or girlfriends that come into the picture. That is alot for any kid to handle. BTDT as a kid. Not much fun.
I am not saying that you are not entitled to a new life. But I would go slow as far as trying to incorporate him into your daughter's life. It may actually be a good thing that as this point he doesn't live close by. It is good that his son and you are off to a good start. Things can get very tricky and put alot of pressure on new relationships when you start mixing the kids together.
Anyway, stick around. The ladies here have lots of good advice!
Stephanie
Welcome to our board!
It seems from your daughter's reaction, and the fact that you are not yet divorced, that she needs more time to get used to being in a divorced home as opposed to the intact family home that she had before. That is a huge adjustment to a kid - because it is not as good for her - and she did not have a choice.
Your feelings to divorce and have a boyfriend are good for you - because you choose them - but I don't think you should impose them on her. I think you should give her more time and space and keep your private life private. I really think the best outcomes in new relationships are ones that have time and respect the greater picture of the family members around them - the tend to become "meant to be" versus the ones that go fast and too heavy too soon tend to not be so "meant to be" - and if this guy is right for you he will respect you and give you all the space you need to make sure your daughter is adjusting to her new life.