How would you feel about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
How would you feel about this?
32
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 11:51am

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:02pm

I think that I would be upset too because she is an ADULT and why should his weekend plans with you change because she's going to be in town?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:06pm

I don't know.

I probably wouldn't like the interruption and drama. And I would be bummed about giving up quality time. But it is his daughter. Try to think how you would feel if your daughter was that way and really needed you? I don't believe she should be left out in the cold because of this.

Maybe you can help him with her. He should try to set healthy boundaries that are helpful to her and not turn her away. Ask him how he feels and what he thinks he should do. I don't think he should enable her drug habit. But I do think he needs to spend alone time with her and help her sort out her life, especially for the sake of her kids who are his grandkids.

Unfortunately for us, life does not always fit into the every other weekend schedules of our kids. I think you should really try to understand her situation and have sympathy and not judge because then you will be able to really be a part of his life when he needs it.

I was thinking - maybe she had a hard time growing up because of BE's drinking or bad problems with him and his exw? Or maybe she has serious emotional/personality disorders and never got help? Maybe her husband abuses her?

It could be a chance for you to be supportive of him. I just think the timing is bad because of so much else you have had to deal with recently.

Hope this helps somehow?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:16pm

He got kind of upset when I said she might be coming out to score drugs and said that all he can do is believe what she tells him- she tells him this time that she has to go see some doctor Saturday at 8:AM to get her disability benefits

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:23pm

Yeah I think you're smart to duck out of the drama and let him handle his daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:25pm

I agree to some extent with west here. True that this situation is upsetting. Especially losing your alone time with him and the feeling that he is enabling her.


But after all she is his daughter. Just like your daughter is your first priority, he would have his kids No:1piority. It is hard to say what your role should be here without seeing each person in reality. I would suggest, either trying to not judge her at least in front of him or trying to help him have a heart to heart talk with her and see if he can help her with her "Real" issues. Was he a good dad when she was growing up? Is she close to her mom? Who is her support system? It will be hard for him to treat her and approach her with an unbiased attitude.


May be you can help him or give some suggestions as to how she could possibly improve her life? what about her husband? It is hard for a woman without a strong family( parents separated) to again find a husband who is an a**.


May be BE can spend some pat of his time with her this weekend talking to her.. and may be the two of you can find a quiet place to go and spend the rest of the time.


Soory this weekend time is ruined. But in longer run, it would be good for everyone if she (his daughter) cleans up her acts and if you and BE can support her in this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:27pm

OK- I am glad you posted this, Judy. I needed the other side, as I was ready to go get on the angry distance train. I like the balance and objectiveness, and empathy you suggest. I could be time for me to get out of myself and extend a hand purely out of empathy. The only thing is that I will have to draw the line if see her drink or any kind of drugs around while she is in town. That would be my presonal line.


The thing with her and BE is that they have always been close. But she and her mom, his ex, were never close. He used to talk with her extensively and alwys felt like her "buddy". But he never really pushed any discipline or boundaries for her- instead of disciplining her as a teen when she got in hot water he would try and understand and sort of sised with her. I would love to be able to be a positive influance some how, maybe show him that he can love her and help her in other less enabling ways. There must be

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:35pm
I so "get" you on this one. I am over here just WAITING for the crazy sister or any of the sisters really to pull something that will drag him back to rescuing them in some way that might be a total waste of his heart and time. I was talking to him about it just yesterday. He is such a sweetheart and he loves them and they are his family so I know that if any of them really needed him he would be there in a heartbeat but at the same time I would be feeling like he was being taken in and taken advantage of. Especially "B" who stood there and watched him get beat the other week -wouldnt surprise me if she showed up at our house one day with a bruise on her needing help and we talked specifically about this yesterday. I told him that I would take her in and support him if he wanted to take her in but that ultimately it was his decision since it was his sister. So if his choice was to turn her away completely, I would stand by him but if he wanted her to be here with us to protect her I would support that decision BUT only on a short term basis and ONLY after I explained to her that regardless of any apologies she ever doles out, that I would be taking her in as another woman in need, because it really isnt in me to turn a battered woman away and that is just me being true to myself. I would make other arrangements for her very quickly.
The reason I am mentioning this to you is because I think one thing you can do with this siutation is open up this topic of conversation. The 'What if" conversation is important if you intend on living together and blending your life with his. At some point, even if he takes the lead because it is HIS daughter, you are directly effected. He can make the decision to help her but you can help him set the terms and boundaries so that your life and happiness with him is not thrown overboard. To me, this is an important conversation to have. It falls in the same folder as "what would happen if one of our parents got sick? would we take them in or look for a home" ONe weekend is just one weekend but in a perpetual situation like the one you are describing there needs to be a maintenance plan in my opinion. That way you have heard each others concerns, know the boundaries and the feelings that need to be respected and decisions will be made together even if he is leading them sometimes and you lead them other times.
Its weird that SYB and I just talked about this yesterday but it helped calm my mind a bit. I know "B" will be back - I just dont know when.
BIG HUGS over there!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:36pm

You're right about his co-dependancy issues. He has those tendancies with a lot of people. I sometimes feel like I am the only thing in his life that does not suck the life out of him, lol.


I am taking the advice here about seeing if they can have some time together to talk. maybe I can suggest to him that instead of giving her money in the future for "gas" or bail or whatever- that he begins paying for her to see

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:37pm

I know it is hard.

I think that is the key - that she never got along with her mom. Maybe she has a personality disorder that never got addressed? Or her mom was just too stressed with all of the bad stuff from her own marriage - who knows what BE was like in his early years? Whatever the reason it certainly doesn't sound like she had an ideal childhood or start in life and now she has a lot of problems with domestic problems, alcohol and drugs never mind 2 little kids. That is sad for those children.

Perhaps he should just spend time with her and find out what is in her head - what are her troubles? What can she do to sort out her life. Perhaps he can offer to pay for school but not just give cash outright? Or he can buy things for the kids? Or help her get to therapy? I think WHERE his money goes is important.

I just think if you got to know her you could help BE more - but maybe for right now what isysmoon says is good - go off and do your own thing.

I have not heard you mention her before - so am hoping this is one of those couple of times a year upsets that has her scurrying for help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 12:42pm

Thanks Dance-


Again I am seeing the side I needed to see here. See??? You guys are incredible and I get an amazing amount of wisdom and perspective here.


Balance- I think that is the issue. I will have my own boundaries and feelings but at the same time I will have empathy and be supportive of BE. I need to do that- if I am going to be in this relationship it is not just about me and my feelings..it is his life and his daughter and I can show my support for him in this.


I am still going to make some other plans- back up- in case she shows up at his doorstep and they need time alone to talk and sort things out. I've got my new groups and lots of things I can do sepratley as well.


Thank you for your thoughts! I feel so much better and it's only 9:45 am pacific time, lol. I just just feel more armed with resolve as to go into this weekend.


:o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~

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