How would YOU react....????

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
How would YOU react....????
14
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:17pm

My mind can't seem to get passed something a friend of mine told me last night. She has a really great guy, who has done a lot of things for her. He just seems awesome for her. Recently, they got engaged. She has two children, but he has none. They are planning on moving in together in the next month or so. She has noticed that him not having kids does seem to cause a few issues regarding the way he can sometimes be with them. Now don't get me wrong, he's wonderful with the children, but this really bothered me and I was almost more angry then her last night.

She had to stay late for work and he was taking care of the kids. Their was a heated arguement between the kids and him while she wasn't at home. He then told them:
If you don't do what I tell you, I am going to break up with your Mom.

WOW! When she came home and heard about it, she went pretty balistic and with right! However, she did stick up with him and I do see his side as well, but the point is, don't you think that is an awful extreme thing to say??? He told her he didn't mean it, but just wanted to threaten them to get them to do their homework.

To me it's like one of the biggest things as saying: Maybe we should get a divorce?

Am I wrong to think that and what advise would you have given, because I truly was speechless. What would you DO if your significant other said something like that to your kids? How far would you take it?

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Avatar for mom2maggie
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Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:26pm
I might be able to give someone the benefit of the doubt once - but twice would probably be a dealbreaker for me. My SO has never been with my children without me and he has no responsibilities at this point regarding their care (except for setting a good example). However, we have already talked about how important it is to mean what you say in front of them and the importance of following through - that goes for both for promises and threats.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:38pm

I would have gone ballistic as well. Yes, they should have done their homework BUT he should not have said what he did. What would those children think if they did end their relationship? They would think that THEY were the cause of the split and not their mom and her fiance. I know they will probably not break up but the point is, it starts a mental thing with children.

JMO.

Jennifer

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:43pm
My thoughts are: These kids have already had it difficult. Why threaten them with the one thing they are REALLY insecure about? I just thought it was an AWFUL thing to do. And being in the OTC (over thinking club), I would wonder how long it would take for him to start threatening me with the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:20pm

Wow - that would blow me away.

I think my reaction would be couples counseling so we could learn to deal with the blended family thing and to see his reaction towards the knowledge of what it takes to make it work.

I mean, I can see where he was at the end of his rope with homework - aren't we all at that hour? His comment speaks volumes about the situation and discussions and plans of action are in order now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:55pm

How old are the kids? Not that it matters to me, I am just curious.

If a guy I was planning to MARRY said that to my child, we'd be done. First of all, my relationship is not contingent on my child's behavior or homework patterns, secondly, no man will ever tell my child that MY life hinges on what the child does.

I'm the parent, and my child will hopefully always know that my happiness is dependent on me. He won't have the pressure of making me happy- and keeping my relationship intact- he's a KID.

A man who doesn't understand that- and if it were an idle threat- why bother making it, since then he loses all credibility with the child in the future- wouldn't be left alone with my kids, but also wouldn't be marrying their mother.

Moody, a little cranky this afternoon


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Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 7:44pm

I would suggest couples counselling since she obviously isn't going to get rid of him.

Had it been MY children I would have escorted him out immediately to NEVER return. I think this speaks volumes about how far he is willing to take "dicipline" with the children...what's next, smacking them across the room because they came home late?? A threat that serious for HOMEWORK?!? I'd get as far away as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 8:21pm

Well after reading all the posts my only thought is that this guy doesn't have any kids of his own and probably has no idea of how to deal with them when he is on his own. I remember watching my nephews before I had kids and saying some really stupid stuff mainly because I didn't know any better. As the years have gone by, I have my own daughter, and have hopefully grown in many ways and would handle situations very differently than I did before my own child came along.

If this guy has never been around children, especially on his own, this could have been an extremely stressful experience. If I was in the situation, I think I would make sure the ground rules were well stated and there was a plan of attack when things went wrong. I would treat it like any other babysitting situation and leave good instructions and every possible phone number where I could be reached.

I am kind of playing devils advocate here, but we all understand how to be parents because we are doing it 24/7. This guy was a newbie of sorts and probably freaked out. While I don't agree with what he said, I think with some work the situation could be fixed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:42pm

My SO had his first experience helping with my son when the three of us went to get a Christmas tree together. When I went to buy the tree I left the two of them to look aroundthe tree farm where there was a petting zoo and various activities.

My son took advantage of this to be totally mischeivious and fluster the SO to the point of making him wonder if it was worth it. He didn't say anything to my son, but brought it up with me the following day. Any way, he was a total flop at his 5 minutues of parenting...

Now, just 6 months later, he's great with my son and v- versa. they do all kinds of things together, sometimes with me others while I am prepping supper they interact w/o me immediately around.

I am all for a serious talk with the BF about what an appropriate reaction is and why that was so wrong. Do give him another chance. He can mess up again,m but not that way not that big. Also more time with your friend in the wings to chaperone but not be an active participant might be a good idea until her BF gets tha hang of it. It's a big step and kids can be manipulative and push limits like crazy if they sense a weakness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:08pm
I have to say that IF I didn't break up with him immediately, there would be no moving in and no wedding until I could learn more AND until we attended some extensive couples counseling.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:17am

I think that maybe a "parenting class" would be more in order then the couple counseling. They are great as a couple, he just has issues being a new parent.

However, my major concern was the threat that he used. Their are a thousand different things that you can say, like restrictions or you can't do this or that if you don't finish your homework. Using the relationship as a threat, I felt was WAY overboard and really no excuse. You are hitting the children to the core.

Oh and both kids are going to be 10 this summer. They are old enough to know what they have to do and Mom just seems to baby them WAY to much, but I still don't agree. I would have thrown him the ring and told him to get out. I don't want my children threatened mentally or physically in any way.

I just thought it would be a interesting thread to find out how you would react.

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