How would you react???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
How would you react???
8
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:35am

My Best Friend of 3yrs has always always been through all of my rough spots. NO matter WHAT, she has always supported me and been their as a shoulder to lean on. We have never had a fight ever. She was supposed to come with me to the states and get the girls settled, but something came up, so she wanted to join me later around christmas and spend a few weeks with me.

This weekend was her birthday and as a suprise, I had a party for her. I rented a hotel room and had her sister flown in from Ireland (sister paid for her own flight, I got the accomodations). I talked to my honey before I left for the party and once during. I left the party early (it was almost 6am in the morning!)because I was exhausted and had been up since the day before and the rest of them wanted to go to a nightclub that was open until 10am. I called my SO because I wanted to hear his voice and left a message on his answering machine. I fell asleep and they all came into my room and woke me up and were just drunk and obnoxious. I went to the bathroom and as I did, SO called and my best friend answered the phone and started cussing him out and chewing him out that we had already talked twice before and didn't he think that he should quit F*§$%& calling me. That he should leave me alone and quit being a pain. Then she hung up. I walked in on her telling him this, but I didn't catch the whole thing, so I don't know what else she said.

Needless to say, I walked out and called him back and apologized to him for what she did. He said he understood, but I could feel how hurt he was.

Great! So I went to my girlfriend and asked her the meaning of what she did. She broke down and told me she was jealous that I was so happy and she was just being spiteful and wants to apologize. HELLOOOOOO??? This is the first time I have been happy since she knows me.

Since then, it has been a bit strange between SO and myself. He says he worries now that things won't work. That I will decide against him. That he loves me, but can't bare another failed relationship. I have tried to write him and reassure him that I care for him these last few days, because I could feel how depressed he was. However, I almost feeling I am making it worse instead of better. Our relationship is so fragile because we are apart, so I feel my girlfriend has really put a serious dent into something. SO said it's ok, but it's just that feeling that it isn't. Does that make sense?

I can't talk to my girlfriend. I told her how angry and upset I was, but I also felt that something really broke inside of me. I am upset that she would be jealous enough to sabatoge the relationship.

I need some advice on how to deal with this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:06am

I think you should put that friend on the permanent back burner. You are leaving there anyway. Then you should tell your SO that you are appalled and shocked at what she did.

Just my two cents worth - and you should keep an eye on what SO does - you had no control over what your friend does, it was obviously a special party and she was drunk. He has to get over that - it is life. But at the same time, how would you feel if he hung out with friends who showed so little scruples and did the same thing to you? You have to understand that puts a pin in his balloon.

Give it time and see what happens.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:14am
I know exactly how I would feel. Very hurt. I did apologize for her behavior, but I can understand that somewhere something kind of popped because I was hanging out with my so called "Best Friends". The one I have been bragging about and how great she is, etc. etc. I'm just really down about the whole situation. Being drunk is not an excuse. It just usually brings the truth out. Doesn't it? The whole situation just deeply saddens me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:31am

I think it can bring out the truth. It sounds like you have outgrown her - and maybe she feels that and feels a loss from not having what you have.

I think you should put it all in a letter - maybe mail it, maybe not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 1:04pm

I think a heart to heart talk with both of them is in order here. Your SO should be able to understand that the obnoxious and rude ramblings of a drunk friend do NOT express your feelings at all and should not be allowed to threaten your relationship. I think once the two of you are together in person, things will smooth over. I can't help but caution you Cat, that your relationship with your SO and the level of your feelings for eachother are progressing quite rapidly. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I would be the last to say so, because my relationship with my SO progressed at about the same pace... what I am saying, is that you are in a point in your relationship with your SO where things are emotionaly intense- all those overwhelming feelings of love, etc...can easily turn into doubt and fear of being hurt. This is the time when you both have to honestly talk things through and make sure you are both aware of eachothers feelings and intentions.

With your best friend...she's always been there for you. You've always been there for eachother. Now you're moving away and you have a new love in your life. She says she's jealous of your happiness, but perhaps she is also afraid of losing you and sees the new SO as to blame. She made a stupid mistake out of jealousy and hurt. I'm not sure it would be enough for me to end a friendship over. Especially since she has admitted to you how she feels. The two of you have been on even playing fields up until now, and now is behind and she is reacting. If the friendship can't survive this, it probably isn't as strong as you thought it was.

It's tempting to want to choose a side right now, but maybe you can find a way to comfort both of them and keep them both in your life.

good luck.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 4:31pm

I agree with what you are saying for the most part, except that she has always had some relationship that I usually never approved of, but I would never in a million years have attacked her boyfriend. I kept out of it. I would voice my concern, but when she has her last boyfriend I saw how both of them were so happy and I was exactly the opposite and I never thought once of wanting to ruin it. Matter of fact, she is the one that is leaving for Scottland anyway. She told her boyfriend he wasn't in the equation and so he broke up with her. I love her very much and I am just heart broken. As for my SO. You are very right. Things are very fragile at this moment and moving quite rapidly. I talked to my Mom about the move and that alot of things are coming up in the States that are becoming very unsure. Therefore, we have decided this evening that I will be going over their in two weeks to straigten out my apartment, childcare, car, etc. I am on a waitlist for these things and I can't afford to be. I need to meet them face to face and let them know I AM INTERESTED and I am here. SO said he would go with me, so that they have a contact name and a number. Everthing seems to work with address and number. Because I am overseas, no one seems to take me serious. Including the job thing. It's getting ridiculous. I figure showing up one more time, 7 weeks before my arrival, should jog a few memories. Not to mention my SO, who knows the area and can talk the talk.
I am getting anxious. My family is getting anxious. My SO is getting anxious. It's all a lot of hot wires about to go mad.
I love my best friend, but I have decided to just let things coooool a few days. Let her really think it over. I can't end it, she can't change it, but I will put her on the back burner just for a week to let her know I took that very seriously and that it caused unnecessary grief. I had a long heart to heart talk with SO tonight about everything going on lately and the whole situation and the whole stress from his side and mine and I think we are both back on the same track again. He knows that my girlfriend doesn't express my feelings, but I think it was just the fact that his mind was wandering on how much influence she might have on me to listen to her as my best friend. After we got everything out in the open and settled, I told him about me coming over for the 5 days. He straight off told me that he is taking the time off so we can get the things done that need to get done and of course, so that we can try to spend some real needed quality time together.
Again, you are sooooooooooooo right about the high emotions and the doubts and fears. It's crazy. I am hoping that we can soon put an end to all that when we have been together a few days and when I am over shortly after that. It does seem to be going all so fast. I think it scares both of us, because we are both really on the same wave length at all times. I feel when something is wrong with him and he does vice versa. It's nuts. Especially because we have such strong feelings for each other and I haven't felt that way and that serious about someone in almost a decade. Crazy, crazy, crazy......
Thanks for the support. It's so great to see you around more often again. I missed having you on here for awhile. You always have great insight.

Hugs,
Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 6:10pm

You do have a lot going on - but it is mostly in a better direction. It sounds like you and the kids will have a better life here in the states and you are doing well with the transition so far. The time will pass quickly.

It will take a lot of time and effort to get all of your lives settled in a new place and it will not be without frustrations and "speed bumps" so to speak.

You and your SO will both experience disappointment to some degree as you get to know each other and have to experience life's interruptions. Your relationship will reach a different depth when you can accept each other as you really are.

I think you both have to manage your expectations and keep them in check. Just go slow and know that whatever happens happens - you do not really have control over what he does and says and feels. It appears that he is really into you and that is a good thing.

I don't think it is so important that you are both on the same wave length on everything as it is for you to respect and value your differences.

Enjoy this new time - don't rush!!

And of course keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:23pm

(((HUGS)))

You said that your friend has been there for all the bad times and always been a shoulder to lean on- and given what happened- did you ever consider that she LIKED to "be there for you" so she could feel better about herself? That your life was in pieces, but her's wasn't, and she enjoyed your drama because she was above you? And suddenly you're not only happy, you're not needing her anymore, and she had to stick her nose in and upset things for you.

Just a thought.

If you take some time out from her before reconciling with her, may I suggest you guard yourself a little more in the future. She is not someone you can lean on anymore, nor is she someone you can glow to about your wonderful new guy. Keep things neutral for a while, and let the relationship rebuild itself.

I'm glad you got things sorted out with your honey.

Have fun on your trip,
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:41am

I would feel completely betrayed if my friend did that. Being drunk really isn't an excuse, because the alcohol just gave her the courage to act upon what she was really thinking.

She acted out of *JEALOUSY*. Not concern over your welfare. Your own best friend did not want to see you happy???? Makes you wonder if she stood beside you during all of your rough times in order to make herself feel better in some way. I had a friend like that. She was my best friend when I was down, but couldn't take it when I got ahead. We stopped being friends when I started making more money than her. She thought she would always be the one who made the most.

So, your friend tried to sabotage your relationship. NOT GOOD!!! I would make a whole lot of distance from her. Move to the United States and see where things stand later on. What she did would be a deal-breaker for me.

****Now*** about your guy, he should be able to accept your reassurances. If he doesn't, that is his issue. I would tell him that you feel shocked and betrayed by what your friend did....and then tell him that you need him to get over his hurt feelings. It's in the past and shouldn't affect your relationship with him. If he's going to be negative about your relationship, there's nothing you can do. You can't do all of the work required to keep things afloat. You both need a positive attitude.