How would YOU react....????

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
How would YOU react....????
14
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:17pm

My mind can't seem to get passed something a friend of mine told me last night. She has a really great guy, who has done a lot of things for her. He just seems awesome for her. Recently, they got engaged. She has two children, but he has none. They are planning on moving in together in the next month or so. She has noticed that him not having kids does seem to cause a few issues regarding the way he can sometimes be with them. Now don't get me wrong, he's wonderful with the children, but this really bothered me and I was almost more angry then her last night.

She had to stay late for work and he was taking care of the kids. Their was a heated arguement between the kids and him while she wasn't at home. He then told them:
If you don't do what I tell you, I am going to break up with your Mom.

WOW! When she came home and heard about it, she went pretty balistic and with right! However, she did stick up with him and I do see his side as well, but the point is, don't you think that is an awful extreme thing to say??? He told her he didn't mean it, but just wanted to threaten them to get them to do their homework.

To me it's like one of the biggest things as saying: Maybe we should get a divorce?

Am I wrong to think that and what advise would you have given, because I truly was speechless. What would you DO if your significant other said something like that to your kids? How far would you take it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:20am
I'd tell him to go on and leave. I mean seriously, you never threaten the kids like that. That was ridiculous.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:24am

We don't automatically be good parents by becoming parents. I would recommend both of them take a parenting class so they are on the same page on how to deal with situations with their soon-to-be children. Dr Joy Browne says that the role of the step parent is not to be the parent but to be a friend. Regardless, both adults need to have the same view on how to deal with children.

IMHO threats (However I could never figure out the difference between "threats" and "consequences") does not work in the long term ESPECIALLY if you are not going to really follow through with it.

Mark

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:34am

I don't know if I really agree with what Dr. Joy says. I understand the friend role, but do we not teach our children that we are not the "friend", we are the parent? Even in step-parenting? If I am married to someone and raising his children and raising my own children the same consequences and rules will apply. I will not treat his children as friends and mine as a parent. I have a great repore with my children. I am on a friend term with them to a POINT and then I draw the line. They know where that line is. And if they forget for a minute, they know I will remind them. If they continue to take a step further to test me, consequence will follow.

For me, one house, one rule, break a rule, consequences will follow regardless if you are my biological or step child.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 12:36pm

I believe her point is that the step parent is not the father/mother for the child already has one of those. The disciplining as a parent surrogate can be tricky for the child knows that s/he is not really the parent. It's tough enough to deal with our bio kids being defiant much less as a step parent hearing "you cannot tell me what to do for you are not my real parent!" Which is true.

I don't pretend to know how best to navigate being a step parent. I do know that threats are different from consequences and the finance threatened. I do know that threats or consequences that are not followed through then that makes it even worse. . I also know if the parents are not consistent and in sync with how they parent then the parenting is less effective.

Mark

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