How like your parents are you?
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Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:34pm |
I think I'm TOO much like them. I hate it. My mother is so negative and my father is so overbearing and opinionated that I have way too much negativity in my life. I think this is why I stress out so much over little things. My mom always sees the negative side of things. When I moved on with my life and got this nice house with Shane and then my new car, she never acted happy about it. She just kept quiet and I guess wondered why I'd tell her. Daddy did seem proud. He's different. More supportive, but he will tell you like it is and make you feel guilty for calling him or mom s=on something THEY did that hurt your feelings. I feel this is a toxic relationship. I love them and just want them to be proud of me. I've never done anything wrong. I am a good person, but you know, I make mistakes just like everyone else. I don't want to be a negative person. I want to be able to look at the world and see a beautiful place and walk around not thinking that something will hurt me if I just try it. And I know if I continue to be in constant contact (mother keeps calling me) that I will hear her griping and complaining and I can't take it anymore.
Shane says I need to confront them on the negativity and overbearing attitudes they have and let them know I won't allow it in my life any longer. But I don't know how. My mother will play the martyr and stop contacting me all together. She will opt out of my life for good. That's her way of shaming me. Daddy will yell at me and tell me how ungrateful I am for all they have done for meand tell me that if this is how I want it, then don't bother to call them for anything else. They won't understand. They don't see how the negativity is hurting me. And I can't risk it creating a wedge between Shane and me.
Have you ever had to tell your family or a friend to stop being so negative? How did it go and what did you say to tey to alleviate the issue so you coul dboth move on to a healthier relationship?
Mel
My first response when I saw the title to your post? "TOO MUCH!!!" LOL.
That's always double edged sword. They have fabulous qualities that I picked up on, and also some bad behaviors/relationship skills that I naturally was taught simply because I lived in their household.
You said...I think I'm TOO much like them. I hate it. ....Ok, I understand that. So, RETRAIN yourself! That's what I am in the process of doing. ;)
From my mom: Controlling behavior. And also some strains of genetically inherited (I believe) chemical depression. Don't know for certain what it would be diagnosed as, but I know I struggle a bit and she REALLY does, but has never had therapy to diagnose it. However, HER mother (my psycho Grandma) was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia
You know, I totally understand.
Growing up was a war zone in my house, my parents were constantly at battle with my older brother. Then when he got kicked out when I was 10, they turned that anger on each other. At 15, they divorced and my mother turned it onto me. I grew up thiking that it was ok for the woman to yell and scream at her husband. So when I was with Nicolas' dad I didn't know any better and that's how our relationship was. As I matured I began to realize that that wasn't how a healthy relationship was. You don't *lose it* and yell and scream and throw tantrums like a 2 yr old.
So I ended things with Nicolas' dad and began to change myself.
And I also began to treat my mom differently. She pulled the, "with all I've done for you..." routine. I threw it back in her face and told HER that I wouldn't be coming around HER anymore if that's how I was going to be treated.
It's hard. Some days she really frustrates me, but she's backed off a lot. If we are on the phone and she starts up with something, I will just cut her off, and say, "well, I have to deal with Nicolas right now- talk to you later, love you...". She gets the point.
I think it would be helpful to start asking your mom about the positive things in her life. Get her to talk about those things and shift her focus. If she starts up with something negative, switch it around. If she keeps it up, be honest and say, "mom, I'm really tired and I just want to keep upbeat right now, ok?"
Good luck,
Alison
I'm a worry wart just like my mom. And I think I inherited my depression from her too, although she would never admit that she has depression. From my dad, I inherited my temper and me being high-strung. Actually, me and my dad are very much alike, that's why I think we have always had trouble getting along with each other. He just doesn't understand me, and he can never see my point. But, he's very opinionated and he thinks he's always right.
Me and dad butted heads big time over the conflict between me and my little sis. He took her side. We could never talk about sis without getting into an argument. One time we got into a screaming match on the phone and I hung up on him. I didn't talk to him for months after that. And I kept hearing from my other sisters that dad kept saying that he hadn't heard from me, and had they heard from me. Finally, knowing how stubborn he is, I made the first move. I told him that he can talk to sis if he wants to, but I choose not to talk to her. I told him to lets keep her out of our conversations alltogether. I don't want to hear about her or know what she's doing. Keep me out of it. Once that was said, we were able to have normal conversations with each other without them turning into screaming matches. I just had to set a boundary. I guess he figured he could respect my wishes or never talk to me again.
I don't think a confrontation with your folks would do any good other than upsetting you, because they are set in their ways and they probably wouldn't change anyway. You might want to redirect the conversation with your mom, or use an excuse to get off the phone or, in a nice way, set a boundary with her, like I did. Good luck.
Donna
But I try to limit my time with them, only say what they want to hear and ENJOY them. They are not my best friend or my spouse so they don't need to know all the nitty gritty. I want to enjoy them. And I realize now that I don't need their validation and approval.
Since I have adopted this attitude it all goes so much better. They do enjoy the time with Nicholas and enrichen him. And they enjoy their time with me.
My secretary actually gets credit for this - she has a good relationship with her father because of it. (Her mom passed away earlier this year.)
I am stubborn to a fault just like my dad. And I can be kind of negative like my mother.
I think this saves me from not having any relationship with them, because I can't be too mad at them when I know I have the same qualities.
But yes, I have even hung up on my father before when he was just over the top. He and my mom have a habit of airing their problems to my sister and I and we just refuse to listen any more. My poor sister, because she works in mental health, my dad thinks he can tell her everything about his life and it's stuff she just doesn't need to know.
So I have said to my parents before "ENOUGH". It doesn't work for long but it makes me feel better.
Hugs
Tara
The other day, I called and she was on another line so called me back. She apologized and proceeded to B**** about the cell phone company charging them roaming and not talking to her because it's just daddy's name on the account. It went on and on. I finally got a word in and I told her the solution...get daddy to call them and inform them that they CAN talk to mom and then get to the bottom of the roaming charges. Easy cheesey, right? Not entirely. She started just yelling about how she's going to just go to another company after this contract is up because it's just crap (not really what she said but can't use it here) how they are treating her. I even tried to explain to her, because she obviously was not rational or fails to understand, that company's by law cannot speak to anyone other than the account holder. As a bank employee, she HAS to understand that law. It applies to everything.
I wanted to crawl under a rock. Anything to get away from the griping. I had a specific reason to call her and after 20 minutes of ranting, she finally acknowledged that I had called her earlier and asked what I needed. By then, I'm surprised I even remembered. SHEESH!
Mel
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