Hurting....again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Hurting....again
11
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:59pm
Its been a few months since I posted here, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs broke it off with me again. This has happened twice already, this is the 3rd time.

He says he is afraid of all the responsibility that comes with me.....I am a single mom with 2 boys, ages 11 and 7. He is 33, never married, no kids, not sure if he ever wants to have any either. He is a workaholic, not a partier, very stable and financially secure. I am 40, divorced for 5 years. He is the first serious relationship since my divorce.

Each time he breaks it off, I am hurt, crying, obsessing about it all. Then my defenses start to kick in and I try to move on and accept he cant handle it. Then low and behold a few weeks pass of us not talking and HE comes back.

I suppose the reason I keep taking him back is because I really wanted the relationship to work, the only issue we had was his issue with the kids.........which is HUGE. But I thought with some effort this can work.

Its hard to accept he can love me and not be able to accept my boys.

Please give me some insight and advice on how to accept this move on and NOT take him back should he call again.

Thanks



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 4:56am
Yuck - sorry you have to go through this.

What does he mean by "responsibility" when it comes to your boys? Is their father in their life?

I am not sure what to say. It sounds like he gets scared because he is falling for you but afraid of what he does not know. I think you need the perspective of time to know what to do.

For now you should focus on self care - pamper yourself, call all your friends. Keep busy with yourself and your boys.

If he calls tell him you need time. And keep us posted so we can help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 10:36am

Hi, and welcome back here.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:48pm

Hi there


I know this hurts incredibly bad but I think you knew before when you posted about this guy that you already had your answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 2:04pm
Hi, I am in a similar situation, except I haven't gone through the back and forth quite as much. My advice...don't let him come back...UNTIL he makes a decision. I told my bf of one year that I needed him to make a decision whether he wants to take this relationship forward. He is terrified also...and has been avoiding the issue. He is struggling with not having enough alone time, the responsibilities, etc. - he is also not the partying type and very responsible in general. This was 3 weeks ago and we have only seen each other once since and only to discuss THE issue, his fears and whatnot. I told him I would not continue the relationship without a commitment. He is saying that the space has helped him and that he doesn't want to loose me and I think a decision will be made soon. He has to go through the anxiety and the pain of not having you before he will realize that his fear of losing you is GREATER than his fear of living with someone else's kids. I know it's hard to stay away because of the fear of losing it all, etc. - but wouldn't you rather know now than hang in there for years to come just to find out you wasted your time? If you keep taking him him back he will not take you seriously. Good luck to you!

B.

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 9:37pm
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Another member here "Northwestwanderer" recommended a great book that helped me a lot after a breakup a couple years ago. The book is called "He's scared; She's scared" I'm sorry, I don't remember any longer who it's by. But it's about committmentphobia...and there's a section that talks about "curtain calls" as in getting back together/breaking up over again.

My last bf (before DH) broke up and got back together, tried the friends things, dated again, broke up again...I started dating someone else, he called me and wanted me back then "couldn't" handle it again...(sound familiar...). I felt like I was on a merry go round, and I realized the horse I was on wasn't going anywhere, I had to jump off. It's not easy when you really care about someone to realize that no matter how much you both do care..your goals don't match.

Take care of yourself, big hugs.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:34pm
Thanks, Maggie.

Yes, I must agree with you. At times, I felt I was convenient for him, while I knew he cared and loved me, my gut told me he was just unable to carry the relationship further for the reasons you mentioned. Are you sure you're not a psyhic therapist? :)

To answer your questions, yes, I do want my boys a part of my relationship with my significant other.

I am happy I dont feel desperate to find another love, I am OK with just me.

My life centers around the boys and that brings me much happiness. Along with days I want to pull my hair out too!

We've had a lot of rain here today, huh?! Remember, I'm in Sav'h too!

Thanks for understanding.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:43pm
T

I hoped you would respond, I was waiting to hear...."I told you so" :)

I remembered your words of caution the last time I took him back. I really do appreciate your candor AND understanding.

I know I do not deserve this any longer, I would much rather be by myself than to put up with this crap. Actually, I enjoy spending time with just me!

Today has been a good day, tomorrow I may be actin like a fool but hey, one day at a time, right?

Hugs and thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:59pm
Thanks so much!

The boys father is very involved in their lives, so the fear is his own, no one(me nor my kids) is depending on him financially.....Only to be a part of my life with them( kids) , I guess its just not what he wants. He's very selfish in some ways, I believe.

I think my friends are tired of listening to me whine but I believe my defenses are kicking in and I am coming out of my poor, pitiful me stage. I am feeling somewhat angry and powerful. I suppose because I know I can make it on my own and be happy.....I've done it before. I didnt date anyone seriously for several years and could've cared less I didnt have a boyfriend. I had some special men in my life who I dated and am still friends with but I just wanted to be alone, at the time. Then the guy who just broke up with me came along,,,,,dated him, still didnt want to get serious,,,,,,he chased me, begging me to date just him....finally after all his wooing, I opened my heart to him and fell in love. NOW LOOK AT WHERE I AM!!!! BROKENHEARTED!!!

Men suck! Today anyway!

I will not even answer that phone if its him, thank goodness for caller ID

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:11am
Thanks for replying.

You are so right but I believe I will not go back, I dont trust him anymore. He has said several times, he wants me back....blahblahblah. I dont think it can ever work.

He may need time to feel the anxiety and hurt like me but I doubt I can ever trust him again.

I really hope he hurts like me, I know thats childish but I dont think he truly understands what he puts me through each time he does this.

He doesnt respect me now, how could he...I let him walk back in each time he hurts.

I pray you dont end up like me, dont hang on if he cant commit, maybe your man will realize what he has and not be so afraid and selfish like mine is.....thanks for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: trkar67
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:22am
I do feel I am on a Merry Go Round of Emotion........he does care for me but he is very selfish. Its sad, if he cant learn to let go of his fears, he will never feel true emotional love and thats sad.

Our goals dont match now, they seemed to the first two years, thats what sucks.

I love my kids and would never want them in a home with a man who loves me but not them....bottom line.

I am tired of thinking he will change, he wont. I would rather be alone than worry about this anymore, truly. The trust is gone with him, as far as the, I love you, I dont want to be without you and then I take him back,,,,,its a roller coaster from there on out.

My self esteem is so low right now, to me an indicative sign to "get out, its draggin you down"

Thanks for your support and sharing.

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