HURTING...very long needed to get out
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| Sun, 06-20-2004 - 4:28pm |
BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH?!!!!!!!!!!?
i went out last night...againtst my inner voice that told me to stay home...
The man that I like was looking for me online...and stayed up late to see if I came on...which I did not. He then reposted his pic. on the dating site that we met on.
I got up early to write a father's day poem for him...so that he could see it when he came unline...and then went to the dating site to see if he had been on recently...and there was his pic...which he had taken down after we met.
I was very upset and proceeded to write him an email telling him that.
"I probably should have asked you this a week ago... what do I mean to you?
Am I just a friend that you talk to every day...and discuss sex with?
I had thought that we had connected on several levels....and were two people who were trying to establish a meaningful friendship...very slowly...Wishful thinking on my part....
You did let me know that your children are your top priority and focus...a trait that I admired ...and found extremely appealing...
You also let me know that you will be busy with school come the fall..., you don't know where you'll be in 2 years...etc., I took all of this information in...and still came to the conclusion that you wanted some kind of a relationship with me.
I had hidden my profile on lava, and also taken my profile down form another site that I was on...because I had thought that it doesn't matter what I thought"
I probably shouldn't have sent this...but I did.
I then called him a few hours later...he seemed happy to hear from me...saying that he had only been up for a little while...so I thought that this meant that he hadn't read the email. He asked what I had doen the previous evening, although I had told him that I wass going out with a frind....I said that I was tired becuse I hadn't slept much the night before...he asked why? I replied that I hadn't taken my sleeping pill...he then said that he hadn't slept well the night before either...and why hadn't he seen me online then..I replied that I was cleaning... At the end of our conversation, I told him about the email. He then said that yeah, we should talk...that things were going faster than he wanted...
I began to cry...becuse I realized that he had wondered where I was...and with whom...but hadn't wanted to wonder that....and therefore decided to cut and run...so he reposted his pic...
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me....but when you know that they do...and won't go for it....IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

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I am a little concerned about some of what you've written...and please forgive me if I've not gotten this clearly...but I went back and read some of your other posts, and if I'm correct you've just barely met this person, have only seen each other a couple times...during which he made it pretty clear to you that he wasn't ready for a relationship right now because of his kids, school...but you think you should have asked him "what you meant to him".
This may sound kind of harsh, and again I apologize...I really don't mean to...but he was telling you that he didn't want a meaningful relationship...but that he's willing to talk to you, and have fun with you...with no committment. Some people call this "the disclaimer" as in...he can say later when you ask "where do I stand" he can say "you've known all along I wasn't interested in more"...
I need you need to change your focus just a bit...instead of wondering why "he wants to be with you but won't go for it"...you need to realize that he didn't really want the same thing that you did....and if this tends to be a pattern for you...you might need to figure out "why" you're willing to settle for so much less than what you really want and deserve...why aren't your wants/needs important enough to be able to say "I understand that you're not looking for a real relationship right now, but I am...good luck to you"...and keep looking until you find the someone who is willing and able to give you the type of relationship that you want...you ARE worth it....so DON'T settle.
Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters
For right now, you need to absolutely chill. Men always seem to go through a stage where they need their space to see how they feel. If you are too pushy in this stage you will lose everything.
There is a possibility that he only wanted the intimacy/sex and not the relationship and no matter what you do, you will not have what you want. There is nothing you can do about this now.
For now you have to wait and see. Each day will get better. No more contact with him until he is calling you and calling you. And no more going online to see what he is doing. I think you should take your profile off for a bit and go on a relationship break.
Concentrate on making your life the best. This sounds dumb, but you will have to find productive ways to use your time. I can tell you what to do based on what works for me. Clean your closet, call all your old and new friends. Get a new haircut, clean out your makeup drawer, organize your kitchen. Exercise exercise exercise. Work on finances - make a new budget. Make a dating journal. Set some new goals.
I think you need to stop looking for someone and look for yourself. Make yourself and your life so good that you will go much slower the next time. You will be very picky about who you let into your life and how fast. You will be a beautiful princess and won't settle for these toads.
Jennifer, I'm very sorry about how this is turning out for you.
"I began to cry...becuse I realized that he had wondered where I was...and with whom...but hadn't wanted to wonder that....and therefore decided to cut and run...so he reposted his pic"
Jennifer, I just wanted to comment that just because you were offline for a few hours that night, you did not cause this.
I think you hit the nail on the head!!!!
He was interested in "SEXY TALK and FEMALE ATTENTION".
I misunderstood...
...until you helped to clarify things....
CLARIFICATION...UNDERSTANDING...INSIGHT....VALIDATION...
It's time for ME...
Saying thank you doesn't even begin to tap into how much your understanding of this issue has helped me.
(((hugs)))
Jennifer
Jennifer, the thing is, I really understand.
Why couldn't I have found you and this board sooner.... :-)
I think you need to start a new discussion...
"SEXY TALK and FEMALE ATTENTION"
This is such a great insight...it truely has helped me to put things in perspective...and I feel much more at peace with myself.
I have different email accounts for different things...my relationship one is now totally devoted to messages from here...iVillage...
Thank you,
Jennifer
You should come up with a list of tips for us to help determine the difference between these idiots who only want talk/sex and those that are interested!!!!!!
We need a tips page to avoid all of the hurt/confusion that comes with dating...
I think that I will pick up a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...
I think Mars is approiate for MEN...it's very hot there...and I wish that those that are around only for the sex talk/female attention should stay there!!!!!!!!!
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. It brings back many bad memories for me just to hear your story.
I just wanted to alert you to the fact that there is a new "Mars and Venus on a Date" book and it is very enlightening. I would recommend it highly.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006093221X/qid%3D1087850027/foodandhealth/104-4775729-0787932
I ended up throwing in the towel on the online thing. It was just too much hassle for me to sort through the emails, talk on the phone and be disappointed date after date after date. I felt like I had a first date uniform after a while!! :-)
At any rate, the experience I received was INVALUABLE!! I had to learn that men are much different from us in their emotions and expectations and wants. And I learned how to say no and go slow. And I learned what I will and won't put up with. I also learned how to be an ace at going out on a date.
You should look at my Most Horrible Date Awards
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=6846.1&ctx=128
on this coffee house board to see some of the highlights. I know others had success with it. But I just can't bear to do that again.
I have about 4 other friends who have thrown in the towel, too. We all miss being able to email the links to profiles and have a good laugh, though.
Hugs to you today!!
Edited 6/21/2004 4:29 pm ET ET by west1745
Edited 6/21/2004 4:34 pm ET ET by west1745
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