Hypocritical? Or realistic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hypocritical? Or realistic?
10
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:05pm
In light of this idea that in dating Tom and mixing children and feeling that his kid is emotionally a bad influence I was wondering what your experiences are? I am asking the headline question because my feeling is I would RATHER date a man with no kids. That seems hypocritical somehow but then again, by having my kid and his kid(s) and their step mom and maybe stepdad and the different discipline styles and scedules....it just seems complicated. Especially if the children have problems or if the ex spouse has problems that effect the children. Also the pressence of psycological issues that might be inherited too. It is just all so complicated.

Now the bonus is having a guy that gets it. And having a bigger family. I don't know. It just seems complicated enough to me to have a new man - let alone all the things that come with that if he has children of his own.

And if I feel this way about dating a man with children how does that make me view myself in a dating situation. Not that great. Jack has been seeing a new chick - just a few casual dates - but they have gone to dinner, out on the town, and even to an REM concert! All within 2 weeks. I could never do that anymore - I don't have that freedom. Even though he told me she is boring (hahahaha) and won't be seeing her anymore it SUCKS! ( and for the record I am telling you this NOT because I am jealous of him seeing her - because strangely I am not - it is I am jealous of the freedom they both have to do things together alone)

Whatever - I am sure I sound so maladjusted but how do YOU deal with that kind of thing? It isn't like I want to go out and party hardy. I just feel that I am so limited to the possibilities of dating and finding the right person. I seriously just want to give up and buy a you-know-what.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:21pm
I completely understand your jealousy about their freedom. That's how I feel about my ex. He's single and never been married (commitment phobe, never even engaged and is 38-yrs-old). He can go out and see a woman all he wants. Our time together was limited, but then again he didn't take advantage of all the time we could have spent together.

There towards the end, he viewed my son as a situation he didn't want to take on. He never even met my son. That's just how it is. It takes a special person to accept your child/children. Likewise, if you date someone with kids, you have to have a special affection for that person. If not, you won't be able to handle it.

I'm going to try and date other people, but I'm also going to buy a you know what. I've never bought one before, but I hear they are fabulous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:59pm
I'm married and own several you-know-whats! Get yourself one!

On the other subject.

I have never once been ashamed to admit that one of the things that attracted me to TT is that while he does have children and he does "get it" as far as my life, my responsibilities go, his children are significantly older and FAR, FAR away, and I do not have to deal with them or their mothers very often!!!! I LOVE that!

And yes, I know what you mean about being jealous of people and their freedom. I have that jealousy over pretty much everyone I know that doesn't have children! Mine isn't about dating, I was very fortunate to have joint custody and tons of very supportive family - it's about life. I want a job where I travel, and I want to be able to do that. I want a job that involves events and cocktail parties. I want to be able to say at 10:00 - hey, I want to go to Barnes & Noble and read until they close!

For me, I concentrate on the good in my life, and I try to push the rest to the back of my mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:22pm
Laura, laura...yes, buy a you know what. They're handy little devices...LOL

I didn't have one till trav got me one. I guess he figured with him on the road so much it would be a good investment. LOL Truly, it's a good thing to have, regardless. And dating isn't just for...you know what...is it? well...maybe it is.

I definitely understand about anyone who has a bad influence on your child being a prob. If it was the right guy, it would include the right kids too, maybe. If it's the right person it won't matter, kids or no kids.

I have become very fatalistic about it all. If it's to be, it will be and it will be EASY! No game playing, nothing that's detrimental. Sounds like a good formula for being single forever, doesn't it? OH well, I am going to be busy with this grad degree for a few years anyway. And I always have my you know what. ROTFL

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:11pm

LOL!!!


I was going to say the same thing to Laura as you and Min (though I've yet to shop myself. Keep meaning to! LOL), so I guess I don't have to go there again!


Laura, I don't think it's hypocritical at all to say that you'd rather avoid dating a single dad. We all have a "list" of deal breakers, and if that's one for you,

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:48pm
preferences, yepppers

I want someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want any, or who has grown kids and wants no more.

It was hard those years when the kids weren't grown enough but they fly so SOON. I can't believe how old mine are now. Freedom returns and it's sweet, but I don't regret the time I devoted to them without worrying about dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:28pm
I think you are being realistic about who you want to seriously be in your life with regards to your idea of a partner.

Personally, I know I would not be as open to someone with small children as I would with someone with no children or older children. I have made a lot of sacrifices for my son to have good behavior, good influences and a good start. And I would find it to be a love-buster if a person had kids who I deemed to be a bad influence on him.

Most of the divorced guys I have met, who have small children, are too embattled with their exwives and too overburdened with their schedules to have much to offer.

But with all of that said, my eyes are open and my mind is open as well. I would not reject someone based on whether or not they have children. But I would have a realistic approach. And I would go slow and really look at what all of this brings to the table for my son.

I think that really in the end we have to know what we want, what we will put up with and what we won't put up with. We have to have standards for a guy being "that into us" (as a quote from one of the new dating books). And we have to see that there are no apparent stumbling blocks for a good long-term relationship, e.g. addictions, financial instability, toxic family members (exwife, motherinlaw, children), etc.

Sometimes it is harder because of having a child but in the end I think it makes it easier to have higher standards and be sure the second time. It also takes a positive attitude and a crazy belief in love. I know I have those...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:49pm
Yah, it is kind of funny but in the past I would have jumped at this guy - he is really like me. I know that I would have actually modified myself to fit the things that maybe didn't go in sync.

Back to Jack. When I entered that relationship I vowed to be 1005 myself and honest. And I was all the way. I was more tolerant maybe hahaha but I was myself. I never thought "i am not going to act like that because he won't like me" or "I have to clean up and pretend to be neat and together" I was just ME. And in that I did find someone that I 1) agreed with on a moral level 2) agreed with in the way a home should be structured C) made me feel beautiful, desireable, and wanted D) agreed with me on parenting style and discipline issues and E) agreed with me on almost all topic EXCEPT - and I don't know if it was a disagreement on ANYTHING. I guess his family. But the root of it was him being "ready" to commit. I still think he is trying to find the answer as we still talk on a regular basis.

My point in bringing this up again is I have come to the conclusion that I CAN'T settle for less than what I had with him. It will either be him - ready to commit or someone even better. Personally I find that hard to imagine - and I am an optimist - him TALLER? LOL - I am not saying I will be looking for him but as much as I complained (I AM a complainer BTW) he was a great guy. And he raised the bar to a really good place. If someone can reach that I will have known I hit gold.

And if not, maybe by then he will be ready to commit and that one "but" will be gone.

Boy do I ramble. Anyways the point is I think for the first time in my life I can not take dating so seriously. I will go out when I can, have fun, socialize. But no more of this constant searching for "the one" I will search for dates maybe. But I think the one will find me. I TRULY BELIEVE IT THIS TIME (bookmark this opst to nicely throw back in my face OK?)

laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:17pm
I agree with what you say in these two statements:

"My point in bringing this up again is I have come to the conclusion that I CAN'T settle for less than what I had with him. It will either be him - ready to commit or someone even better."

"Anyways the point is I think for the first time in my life I can not take dating so seriously. I will go out when I can, have fun, socialize. But no more of this constant searching for "the one" I will search for dates maybe. But I think the one will find me. I TRULY BELIEVE IT THIS TIME."

Very good on both accounts. "The one" will find you. You have no idea of where or when - he just will. Life is full of surprises. I think the more we allow life to unfold and happen the happier we all are in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:04pm
Hi all- my two cents

My little ones are little- 4 and 5. BF has two little ones as well- 3 and 5. A housefull, you bet! I specifically looked for single parents (met my hunk of a man on singleparentsmeet.com) after dating those that didn't have any. being achild of divorce myself- my mother re-married a great guy who didn't have children and the adjustment for him was insurmountable. I do want someone that "gets it". in vovled with ex- yah so am I though. I find it easier- we both just roll with it. reading a good book called "stepparenting" because it deals with pre-blending and setting uo good practices before the wedding. It's helping.

yes- from dating guys with no kids- to ine with and their little- I love that we get our kids together for a play date, i love that they can entertain each other. Complicted? you bet- worth it? absolutly

scm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:49pm
Well, buy the you know what anyway.

Now onto serious stuff. I like that Shane has no kids. Because I knew when I didn't have Dylan that I would be alone with Shane. And he knew that we would have alone time too. I dated a man with a dd and his visitation clashed with mine and we never got together. But he also took his dd on dates his ex should have her because she hated me. But we all know who I'm talking about.

I don't think it is bad at all for you to prefer the man not have kids because you know that when you're kids are away, you have that free alone time to visit with him. It's not selfish. You need that in a relationship. Don't feel bad. It's fine to want that.

Mel

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