I am 40 w/ 3 kids. BF of 8yrs wants baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
I am 40 w/ 3 kids. BF of 8yrs wants baby
16
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:10am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:29am
Hi and welcome to the board.
To answer your question, everyone is different physiologically and although in general women lose their ability to have children between 35 and 45 there are some who don't. I had my D4 at 43. I won't sugar coat it, being pregnant at 42 is much more tiring and problematic than in one's 20's or 30's. I literally had to take a daily nap, had more appointments w/my doctor, had more ultrasound checks, had an amnio. You are considered high risk when you are of advanced maternal age. So if mother nature co-operates and you can get pregnant, expect to walk on eggshells the whole pregnancy.
Going back to diapers and all that after having my other kids grown and well on their way to independent wasn't easy either. But my sons did help out with babysitting. Your youngest may have some adjustment due to no longer being the baby of the family.
And you will have more in common with this child's friends grandparents than their parents, although there will be a few moms your age. With all the technological advances, it is getting more common to have kids later in life.
My darling daughter is a treasure, she is worth everything that came with having her so late. I am a calmer more confident mother now, I've already raised one through to adulthood.
So good luck in deciding this very important issue.
QB
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 12:36pm

I look at this in two phases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 2:41pm

But should i marry if i am not sure i want to do the baby thing again? I feel like i need to first decide if i want to go down that path. I would hate to deprive him of the joy of being a parent. (He is 34)


I also want to be sure that this potential child would have the best life possible - specifically with a healthy and energetic mom and a fully-engaged dad.


My mother had my younger sister when she was 44, so i am also asking both of them for their opinions.


So - if i come to the conclusion that i don't want to do this again... do i walk away?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 2:42pm
Thanks for the insight!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 2:53pm

I agree that if part of the deal with him is having a child then don't marry if you are not sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:35pm

Well you are right - i haven't talked much about what i want. Isn't that just like a mom?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:45pm

Plus there is a higher probability of birth defects as you age. If I was a first time father, I would be really hard pressed if I had to face that. I had my 2nd/last child at 40. My then wife was 40 as well. We had the genetic test and thank goodness that my daughter turned out without disabilities. My then wife was prepared since she raised her Downs syndrome younger sister (8 yrs difference?). I was not so sure.

I do believe that the married partners have to "get use to each other" first before having another relationship (i.e. a child) added into the mix. I believe for new parents they will stop having each other as their primary relationship and take on their child as their joint focus. Mother first, wife second (if you have the energy....). Don't you think that is the case? For some this is what sometimes kills a marriage.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:47pm

I have a friend who married a younger guy when she was your age. They ended up using invitro to get pregnant which was all fine - she was like 41 at that time. She was/is delighted to have another child. So that part is good. The only part that is not good in her case is that her husband was immature and did not have what it takes to be a good dad - he wanted to launch a business that did not work out instead of keeping his good paying job so they had a lot of financial difficulty - and then when the going got tough with dealing with a baby and a failing business he wanted to party all night instead of coming home. They are now divorced and she had to sell the house, rent and go back to work for less money than before she was married to him. It is her second divorce. With a guy his age and in that generation I think that job stability and maturity is something to look at - not that they are all like that - but something to consider.

I would think that if you two really wanted to make it work you could - if you have been living together for 8 years it seems you could marry very soon if you wished and when the dust settles, work on getting pregnant - and if you can't then you could adopt. But this is all stuff for the two of you to discuss and see how you both feel - would he still be committed to you in his heart if you could not get pregnant even if you made a good faith attempt - or would he consider adoption or to just enjoy the kids you already have?

And of course there is the issue for you - would you do it again? It sounds like you love children if you like a houseful of them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:55pm

You guys are great.


Yes - i also believe that roles shift - parent first, spouse second - and that probably did tank my first marriage. And I am quite scared that there may be a problem with birth defects. I don't think he has thought this part through. We will need to discuss that.


This BF certainly has enjoyed a more bachelor-ish life, but is fully committed to me and is quite stable. I feel grateful that i am not so worried about that. But - we have *not* lived together so who knows for sure. Can I say "get a dog first and then we'll talk" ... ?!


Regarding adoption and such - He said himself that it is probably his own immaturity but he wants this child to be the biological product of the two of us. And yeah - what happens if we give it a shot and it doesn't work. Good point. We have not yet discussed that.


So much to think about. I'm going to go upstairs and play with the kids and forget about it for a while.


THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 9:11pm

wow that is a tough call, and i can totally see ur dilemna.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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