I am a failure at internet dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
I am a failure at internet dating
5
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 11:00am

Okay, I have never posted on this board, but I am done with the divorce, don't have any custoday issues so it was time to find a new place to lurka nd ask for advice.

My first attempt at dating post divorce turned into a several month booty call which wasn't a terrible thing, but it is over now. I then decided, after my friends wouldn't shut up about it, to try the internet thing. While I don't really have a problem with the concept, I have a problem with the fact that almost 200 guys have looked at my profile and 5 have responded. I feel like the mutt at the pound that everyone pats on the head but doesn't want to take home. Yes, I have e-mailed guys with no response. I didn't want to do the whole bar thing anymore because that only got me the booty call, again not a terrible thing lol, but I want an actual date.

The one date I did go on was an utter disaster. He clearly had not been telling the truth. It was the longest hour and fifteen minutes of my life.

My therapist is going to be making a lot of money off me if I continue this internet thing. As odd as it sounds, I feel worse about being rejected by complete strangers on a screen than I ever have while out with friends. I am guessing that is because there is no alcohol involved when I am sitting at my computer so the rejection doesn't disappear with the next drink. That was a joke.

Anyway, if anyone has some advice or encouragment, I could really use it and would love to hear it.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 1:02pm

I wouldn't let the "numbers" get to you. One of the big things that the OLD sites don't do- is keep track of how many views are ORIGINAL views, and how many are repeated views. It only tracks each time someone clicks on your profile. And who knows? Some of those viewings might've been from other women on the site, checking out the competition. So don't put too much into the numbers.

I have played in OLD in my time... ALOT. And I couldn't tell you how many profiles I've looked at but didn't respond to! But that doesn't mean anything about whether those men were worthy beings or not- it's just that they were not a match for me, so I kept moving on. So for all the men looking at your profile, be GLAD that the ones who are not a match for you, are moving on and looking elsewhere! You are still getting contacted, and that's what counts. Explore the ones who have contacted you, and don't be shy about contacting someone who caught your eye, too.

OLD is not for everyone, but I do recommend giving it a shot, because you never know. But I know it's not for everyone... and if you find you don't like it, then move on to some other ways/places where you can meet people. Find groups in your area that are centered around interests or hobbies. Even if they are women's hobbies (like a quilting or scrapbooking group or something like that)- you never know if one of those women might have a brother or cousin or friend who might be perfect for you. You just never know. But the thing is to just get yourself OUT and around people with similar interests and keep busy, without centering your activities around ONLY dating.

I met my current BF online, and we have been dating for a year and a half. If it weren't for my being online off/on for about 2-3 yrs before meeting him (and keeping up with it even with moments of disgust and frustration), I'd never have met him!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:48pm

hi there, and welcome! Many of us (myself included) have at some point used OLD.

There are great stories to be had here about the women who are in LTRs that came about because of OLD... and others have given up on it because it's just not working for them.

I think, like anything, it's often about timing, what really works for you, and learning to deal. I never had a hard time with who was looking versus who was contacting, but I also know sometimes a guy would look at my profile several times before contacting me. This showed that my profile was being viewed a LOT, but really it was often the same people over and over again.

I also am not a contacter, so if a guy wanted contact, he always made the first move. this approach doesn't always work for everyone, it's simply part of who I am.

If you are thinking it isn't right for you, maybe it simply isn't. There are plenty of other places to meet people that don't include a bar. Consider joining an activities group, or taking up a new hobby, or simply being more outgoing while going about your business.

Good luck, and please stick around and keep us posted!

Moody, done for now with OLD


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 6:57pm

Hi Jen and welcome,

When I read your title, I thought "oh no - the poor girl!!" because OLD is TOUGH at best. You are SO NOT a failure!! Please don't ever think that.

Here is the thing. There are some guys who are married and looking for sex. There are some guys who are newly divorced or separated and looking for sex. There are guys who like to be players and who are looking for sex. There are guys who post their profiles just to shop and look. There are guys who are clearly not capable of a relationship or who don't want one. I am sure there are a few guys who are nice and who are looking for a way to meet someone. Out of these, few will be a match because of their looks, their life circumstances, their desire to have more kids, their acceptance of a woman with kids, their age, their smoking/drinking status, their hobbies, their location - on and on - so many things.

As everyone here has stated so far, there have been people here who have been extremely successful finding a guy through OLD.

I did do OLD for a while after my divorce - dated for about 2 years - had a LOT of dates. I discovered a lot about the dating process, the pond, men, and myself. And I have decided it is not for me because I don't have the patience and I would rather try to be more active and meet more people - even just for the sake of having more friends, acquaintances and activity partners. I make that a challenge so I get out of the house more.

I do think it is good for dating experience. As Shrimps stated, she would not have met here bf without it. She had a good profile that stated clearly who she was, what she likes and what she doesn't like. And I think this helped her a lot. And she got lucky with the numbers game. She was also very patient.

If you do decide to do OLD, treat it like just one small way to meet a guy - not the only way. So, don't worry about how many people are looking versus contacting. There are a lot of guys, but few are a match. If you see it as entertainment and a way to communicate by email and phone for practice that is great. And if you get asked out on a date that can be fun, too.

Best of all - please stick around and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 7:36pm

I was just catching up on my iVillage reading and found this article, which I found good for me - and then I thought of you and wanted to share:

It is about getting out there and flirting and having a great first date:

http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,nm5v,00.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 12:18pm

HI there Never, and welcome to the board. I am fairly new here as well and can say the women here are great, and have wonderful info and advise to exchange.I too have dabbled in OLD, and have gotton alot of answers from this board. I will post a profile, and photos, them i'll wink at a few and if i dont get reply's, soon i feel regected and will "hide" my profile and then try again, I have met 1 guy, had 4 very nice dates. we slept together on the 5 date, and i never really heard from him again. I see him on other OLD sights, so what that means is, oh we just wernt right for each other..I have been quite reluctant to meet some one again, and the few that have offered i turned down due to to many similaries in behavior, with sex being too much in the chatting. Anyway try to look at the positive, and dont take it too personally if you dont get the responses you want, i mean, how much can you really invest in some one you've only had a pic and paragraph to be based on? The last fellow i chatted with is MR.Perfect, but it is so obvious he has a steady g/f and is a big LOSER.. but hey that's the risk involved in OLD,so take it slow and exercise caution. Coming to this board for advise is a really great step to become well educated and make good decisions....

.... There is nothing wrong with sifting through the endless pile so you can find the pick of the litter...no pung intended.. God I cant stop now!!




Edited 2/25/2007 12:22 pm ET by florence2007