I am sabotoging my relationship
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| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:38pm |
You see my XH lied and had an affair and left me for the OW and pretty much most of my relationships I have had have ended because I was cheated on so I am reacting from my past- I know this now but at the time when something happens with DBF it seems so valid- that I should confront him about it. But those I have talked to have told me I am overreacting.
I am really scared that I will lose him because of this - I can already tell he isnt as warm towards me as he used to be and I know its because of this.
He also told me this weekend that the reason he decided to postpone our moving in together is because of my mistrust in him ...oh that hurt so much!
I dont know IF I can do anything and am afraid I have ruined my chance with him.
He isnt leaving me but I am scared it will only be a matter of time
Advice?

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Hmmm...I guess I am a little confused. Can you clarify? IS he or IS HE NOT even "occasionally" lying to you about things?
You said "but once a month maybe something comes up about something- not always another woman but that he is lying about things - etc... "
That is the sentence that I am confused on.
Ouch.
#1 - I posted I think before about how I discovered he has spyware on his ex wifes computer - his explaination - "she is keeping things from him in regards to money and their childrens future" - that was resolved and he realized how bad that was to do in any circumstance and promised me and above all HIMSELF he wouldnt do that anymore.
#2 - I am at his place alot and we share using his computer (this is where all of the incidents have been discovered) and discovered he still hasnt cancelled his subscription to a online dating site and has been checking out the replies to his ad. - his explaination "he isnt serious - just curious"
#3 - I found a email from awhile back we had been dating about 3-4 months and we got pretty serious right off the bat- spent all our time together and I thought things were great. Well - the email was a invite to a woman he met online to go to a concert he was going to go with me but I was unable to - his explaination - that he met her about 2 weeks prior to me that they had a couple things in common and it was purely friendship. He also let out that he did meet her twice for drinks and never talked to her again - now this was last December...( we met in September)
Ok things have been great - he treats me great and his actions prove he loves me when he is with me- I am still worried about when he is not and I am concerned that my worry is because of my past history with men and their cheating and lying to me.
I just married the love of my life two weeks ago and I almost sabotaged the relationship on several occasions. If I wasn't pushing him away because I felt I didn't deserve him, I was snooping in his phone erasing numbers of people I felt he didn't need to have the numbers for anymore (even though he never heard from them or called them) or looking at his email (I did that twice). It was wrong. I knew it then, but I did it anyway because I felt I needed to so I could prove something. There was nothing. And I was ashamed. I still am. He stuck by me, but like you, I felt a coldness from him. But once I learned my lesson, the warm feel came back. Yes he was kind and loving and affectionate emotionally and physically, but he didn't look at me the way I needed him to anymore. But it all came back. I had to prove to him I was not going to snoop. And I never did it again.
If you want this to work, you have to stop snooping. If he messes up, so be it. You'll find out. But give him the benefit of the doubt and let him try to prove he's not going to betray you.
Just my 2 Cents....
Hugs to you! I do understand.
Mel
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Hi lizbeth,
I support the idea that snooping and not trusting are things to work on and work through.
- this man is not over his ex wife fully.
That this man is not recovered from him divorce and jumped into a exclusive relationship with me too soon after his divorce and well maybe does want to test the waters still.
I KNOW he cares for me- loves me but I feel that maybe he has his own fears and doubts and really isnt ready- yet he cant come out and say these things to me because he feels that I will be out of his life completely. Which may be true. If he were honest in the beginning and just said to me "look I have fallen for you BUT I am not sure I am ready to make any commitments here. I havent dated in 15 years and really would like to see who I am as a person before I make any such commitments." WELL I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT - but he hasnt said those things. He has led me to believe on many occassion with actions and words that he wants me and my children a permanent fixture in his life and his childrens life and THATS what makes these 3 MAJOR INCIDENTS so confusing...
Who has told me that I am the one over reacting - well its me, DBF and yes some online folks. I havent discussed this with family/friends because I dont beleive in badmouthing your sig other to those people.
AND as far as the woman from 3-4 months into our relationship - he did not go to the concert because I ended up going with him at the last minute. BUT he did admit he met her for drinks and never saw her or talked to her again. AND I didnt outright ask but I bet he told me a lie about where he was that night because we would / and have talked to eachother every day.
Lizbeth, based on everything you've shared in this thread, I feel that your anxieties about this man are valid.
"He also told me this weekend that the reason he decided to postpone our moving in together is because of my mistrust in him ...oh that hurt so much!"
Another thought for you, Lizbeth....maybe he isn't ready to move in together because HE'S not ready or willing, but
It isn't badmouthing when you confide in a friend or relative about your relationship. If you're not calling him names or demeaning him in any way, it's just seeking advice from someone who cares about you and your life. I went to friends all the time when Shane (my new DH) and I would have an issue. I feel like it's healthy to do that. They can give you advice from an outsider's POV because they are looking at it objectively. None of them ever told me to leave him. They all agreed he was so good for me, but I had to get over the mistrust I acquired as a result of my cheating XH. I now feel 100% sure that Shane is never going to betray me. I know he's not that type of man and I know things about his past that support my feelings.
My suggestion is to go talk to a friend about this. You'd be surprised at how helpful it could be.
Mel
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