I am SUCH a big WIMP! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
I am SUCH a big WIMP! lol
6
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:00pm

Well ... spent the longest period so far in 6 months with C & we didnt do "the talk". I suppose we did "a bit" this week ... but not the whole thing.


Last Wed he called & we started talking about past relationships & the difference in dating when you are a parent or not - & i asked him if he ever dated anyone with kids b4. He told me about an 8 month relationship with a woman who had 2 kids he got close to & I quote "But she had an EVIL X". He said he had a very hard time seeing what she & the kids went thru b/c of this guy. He & the woman & the kids apparently remain good freinds to this day though. Then he volunteered "I think this is sort of

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:13pm

Rebecca. You aren't a wimp. After the week you had, simply enjoying his comapny must have been a wonderful retreat.

The fact that his friends knew about you, made comments that they were glad to finally meet you, and were expecting you there tells me he's invested. He may not even know the full extent of it yet. I don't tell my friends about every guy I see- well you guys, i do, but not my other friends. After six months, he knows he's into you and you into him.

I think he's scared, maybe BECAUSE you haven't set any expectations on him, and most people would have by now. Maybe it's because of the other woman and child, and it hurt him to see her in pain, knowing he couldn't do anything about it. He doesn't want to add to any pain you already have by leading you on.

And, let's face it, men aren't as strong as we are. He might be protecting himself from getting hurt by getting too attached. The thing is, though, that we can all tell ourselves we're not THAT attached, and it doesn't really mean diddly. We feel what we feel, for whomever we feel it. Sure, we can take things slowly, and not rush crazily out to Vegas for a quickie wedding, and gradually start thinking about more, but our emotions- they're there, or they aren't.

The fact is, he knows a talk is coming. He knows what it will be about. He's readying himself to respond to the talk, even as you're prepping to launch the talk. You'll both be fine, I have every reason to believe, since to this point you've been honest with each other,r espectful, and truly enjoy the other person AS a person. Now, you have to really dig deep and be honest with yourselves.

Moody, taking bets that the talk winds up with a mutual commitment to exclusivity


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:06am

Ya know! Actually youre right! I am NOT a wimp! lol

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 7:54am

Your pix and story are cute - loved how everyone was so good to you.

Carlos has us all on the fence with this one. He gets waffler of the year award.

I understand how you feel and agree with what you write about how you will put it to words. I do wish you all the best.

I do feel an important part of your message here is exclusivity to see where it would go - it just defines that you are not both out shopping around but are going to give each other your best shot. I wonder if he is somehow confusing dating exclusivity with engagement?

I have found the the European culture, as a general rule, is very discerning. They seem to have higher standards for many things. It is not good or bad but maybe just something to realize so you can understand his thought process. Maybe Missclemmy can help me out here with regards to how this works in the dating world.

Of course you still have to do all you can with your exh - because you will need that for any future relationship and sanity. Did you hear back from your attorney? How is your exh doing now? Is he still causing trouble with the basic routine of visitation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:17am

Hi

"I have found the the European culture, as a general rule, is very discerning. They seem to have higher standards for many things. It is not good or bad but maybe just something to realize so you can understand his thought process. Maybe Missclemmy can help me out here with regards to how this works in the dating world."

Thanks for bringing me in on this one, CL-West. I have thought about what you have said. There is one major difference in US culture and European culture that has always struck me. We don't "go on dates" with different people. If we are taken out to dinner, or for drinks, by someone, we would not be doing the same thing with another one, or another few. If we start "seeing someone", i.e. "dating", most people would not be "seeing someone else" as well. So we don't "date around". Most people would be very offended if someone they had been "seeing" had also been "seeing" other people. We just don't do it. Like you, I have no opinion on whether it is good or bad either, it's just like that.

Whether this relates to your situation with Carlos, Rebecca, I don't really know. But from the latest report, it seems pretty certain that you are his only romantic interest. His friends all knew about you before meeting you; and you have met his family now on quite a few occasions (they look lovely in the photos, by the way). You are certainly a very important part of his life, and it seems that you are both already exclusive, although you have not yet said That Word. I suppose it's like being in love with someone. You can feel it even if you haven't said it yet. I think that's where this relationship is already. And I feel that you will both enjoy greater peace of mind once it is actually stated.

I think you were absolutely right not to have The Talk during Carlos's birthday weekend. Timing is paramount, and this weekend was about celebrating. Actually, I imagine you will also be celebrating after The Talk aswell, just for a different reason!

One important thing - everyone's situation and how they deal with it is different. The lady Carlos dated with the nightmare ex may have dealt with this issue in a totally different way from how YOU deal with it. It's not because this situation was very difficult for Carlos in the past that it will cause problems in YOUR relationship. There are other sets of circumstances and different ways of coping. You are very strong, and you are not asking him to be a back-up for you. You will get through this, and the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to enjoy your relationship even more, especially seeing as this could potentially be an issue for him. As long as you continue to fight your own battle, without dragging him down (which you are doing brilliantly), there is no reason why this should involve or effect him in any way.

And, you are DEFINITELY NOT a wimp!!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:03pm

If he bolts, don't worry about it. If he doesn't work out, you'll look back the relationship as being mostly harmless. You'll find someone else who sails into a committment with you and you won't even remember what's his name.

I think you're doing good. If he works out, he works out. If not, you won't care after the dust settles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:31pm
I have to agree with West, Rebecca. You and C are putting a whole lot of pressure on yourselves over this exclusivity issue. It's not the same as a marriage proposal. For now, you seem both to be ready to see only one another. I can understand his worry about your X. He knows how he feels when he sees you and Avery being mistreated by that nut, and if he allows himself to commit to you, he'll be in deeper and closer to that situation. M gets quite angry when my X is on one of his nutty rampages, so I really try to not even talk to him about that problem. His X is no picnic, either. We both now try not to talk about our problems with our X's too much with one another. We both just get cranky when we do, and we'd rather have our time with one another be about one another. I guess it really is how YOU handle the situation that matters. Maybe this previous woman in C's past let the situation be C's problem, too, let it define their relationship.
You do need to know where you stand with C so good luck. You are worth putting up with the steamer trunk of baggage your X represents. Hopefully, C is smart enough to realize that.