I broke up with my boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
I broke up with my boyfriend
8
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 12:29pm
We had been dating for 6-7 months. Anyway, he was taking me for granted in a big way. Last night, there was a last straw moment. We didn't really get any closure. I broke up with him via voicemail because he was dodging my phone call. I feel like I was deceived in some way. He represented himself as a good guy, but he turned out to be someone who wanted to jerk my chain and dangle the carrot of 'happily ever after' forever just out of reach. I think he only likes have a steady girlfriend so he has a sexual partner. I'm starting to think all (or very nearly all) of them are like this.

Does this discourage me from dating? Actually, no. This was practice. I hadn't dated in a long time before him. I got some good insight into what dating as a single mother and a 30-something person is all about. I'm giving myself a week or two as a break and then I'm back at it again. I like the social aspect of dating. I'll be more careful this time and wait a long time before getting intimate. Someone who seriously cares for me will gladly wait. I'm kind of ticked off because while dating him I passed up some other opportunities to date other men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 1:07pm
Hi fivesense,

Sounds like you are on the right track - not wanting to be sex-only girlfriend with not being treated right and not getting a sense of commitment. Good to hear you put a stop to that.

And even better that you look at this for the positive it brought to your life. Also good going that you broke up by voicemail - the irony of the situation with him!!

And bravo for saying you will hold back your heart and not go sexually intimate so soon the next time around. I totally agree with you on this one and am going to do the same.

And yes, I think many many guys just want a steady girlfriend with no real track to a long-term commitment aka marriage. This is not about us or anything wrong with us and occurs at all ages, with or without kids.

I think that you have to have standards for what you want, be willing to be alone for a while, have a good attitude that you WILL find the right person and you DESERVE the right person and then you will score. You cannot wear your heart on your sleeve and you do have to hold it back, along with the sex, in the beginning. It helps to know that there are different intentions with guys and that you have to clarify this and not assume they want what you want.

This board is so good for all of us - thanks for sharing your story - you get a big hug and a high five for your attitude!!!!!!


Edited 8/22/2004 1:33 pm ET ET by west1745

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 1:42pm
Thanks for your response and you are exactly right when you said this....

"And yes, I think many many guys just want a steady girlfriend with no real track to a long-term commitment aka marriage. This is not about us or anything wrong with us and occurs at all ages, with or without kids. "

This is something we all knew when we were just single women. Sometimes after we become single moms, we have to fight the urge to say....oh, no, he doesn't like me because I'm a single mom. That is just the wrong way to think.

Thanks and hugs to you too.

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:22pm
This brings to mind a few of my friends' stories:

- #1 - 19, EXTREMELY attractive/beautiful/thin, great personality, full life with school and friends - never been married or had children. She starts dating this guy and he ADORES her for the first month. She withholds intimacy - does everything right. Now after one month he has started a new job and hasn't called in over a week.

- #2 - 25, pretty, outgoing, very smart. Never been married or had children. The first boyfriend lasted one year. He got a new job and stopped calling and started acting strange. Then she found out he was seeing someone else. Now the guy she liked a LOT before him, who got married after they met to someone else, just got divorced. After an evening of talking he tried to kiss her. She explained that she is not comfortable with this because a kiss to her means something entirely different than it does to him. After a few dates he swears he wants to be her boyfriend so she lets him kiss her. Now he just wants to be friends. And he is active on yahoo personals.

- #3 - 50, attractive, active, successful in career, divorced, no kids. Has horrible luck in online dating experiences and is unable to find anyone even "in the ballpark" who is available. Is not dating at all.

- #4 - 39, attractive, active, never been married, no kids. Is also unlucky in online dating for over 2 years, unable to find anyone who is available. We set her up with someone who has like interests and he is so busy travelling she has not progressed beyond date 2.

- #5 - 39, attractive, active/plays tennis, successful in career, never been married, no kids. Unlucky in online dating even after dating many men. Is friends with previous boyfriend but had to break up with him because all he wants to do is work and work out. She has been unable to meet anyone else - has given up.

- #6 - 30, very attractive, active, married without kids. She is not dating, but I wanted to list her because her husband is a LOSER. He is very jealous, has a temper, mistreats her and they disagree on MAJOR issues such as which country to live in.

- #7 - 41, next door neighbor, attractive, sweet personality, has 3 kids from 2 different husbands - she has been divorced twice and has had bad luck with men. She always makes the mistake of assuming that a guy is the one after just a short time and sleeping with him on the first date. The first boyfriend was of a different ethnic background and he was married; yet she had a child with him and bought a house with him and became engaged to him!! He ripped her off of a lot of money and broke her heart and went back to his wife. Her second boyfriend was a fireman - but she dumped him because he was more like a brother to her than a boyfriend. Then she dated a guy who had a temper and was an alcoholic - and they became engaged. She ended up dumping him. Then she gets a simple job and falls in love with her boss who was separated, not yet divorced. Okay - we are all shaking our heads now. But this one was somehow meant to be and he is now divorced - he adores her and her kids - they even waited to be intimate. And now she is engaged and they are building a house together and getting married. I think that is a good one.

The moral to these case studies - there is no rhyme or reason to all of this and you have to realize it is NOT you!!!!! I think you have to be lucky in timing, which is why you shouldn't waste time with the wrong person. And you have to wait for intimacy and be clear as to what the guy is looking for - fun or something more serious.

The best saying is from the 19 year old and applies to all of us. She said, "I am probably going to have many relationships before I get married - I am certainly not going to have sex with all of them!!" She wants to wait until she is married and to this I say bravo. I wish I was that smart when I was her age. At the very least, I think you should wait until you really get to know them and really think the relationship is going to work and they have said I love you.

That should weed out the turkeys. I also note that in my last relationship, I waited over three months for intimacy. After the initial attempt for sex, he backed off and was content with only light intimacy and did not push the sex issue any more until I was ready. That is a good lesson/skill for me. And it had nothing to do with why we didn't work out.

Okay - this is a lot of reading but I just had to write those stories!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:27am
Good for you!

Be strong and be positive - there IS someone out there for you!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 12:18pm

Sorry to hear your news but it sounds like this was the best decision for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 2:05pm
Well you know we all have to date idiots before we find the right one. I kissed several frogs, but I finally found my prince. He's a beer drinking, country music listening, guitar playing redneck prince, but a sweetheart. I know ho wyou feel about the guys that like girlfriends just so they have someone to sleep with. I had one of those guys too. One minute he makes you feel like you're the center of his world, then he backs off and acts like it's moving too fast. Whatever! Good for you with getting on with you life and seeing that you didn't deserve this dude. Have fun and keep us posted on the great and not so great dates you go on.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 3:01pm

"He represented himself as a good guy, but he turned out to be someone who wanted to jerk my chain and dangle the carrot of 'happily ever after' forever just out of reach. I think he only likes have a steady girlfriend so he has a sexual partner. I'm starting to think all (or very nearly all) of them are like this."


Hi fivesense,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 4:57pm
Tricia:

Congratulations to you!!! I know you did the right thing. No one wants to be strung along. You sound like you are handling it well, and I'm glad you haven't given up on dating. Seems like you are like me, we learn lessons the hard way. But the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes. I like what you said about holding back on being intimate. I should heed that advice also. I slept with Mark sooner than my other BF's, but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with our break up. And I'm not about to try to figure his mind out. Like you, I feel a bit discouraged. I think there are a lot of men out there looking just for sex and no commitment, but they won't say it out front. The put up a big front, then when you get hooked, they want out. I've had that happen to me more than once. But the important things is to put this guy behind you and move on.

I agree with Mel. We all have to kiss frogs before we find our prince. I don't know about you, but I've kissed enough frogs, and I'm definitely ready for my prince to come. Big hugs to you.

Donna