I was in a little bit of a similar situation. I was with a guy who couldn't get through what his XW did to him 8 years ago, and when it came down to the do we or don't we moment, he ran. Then once a month or so, he would call or email or IM or whatever. I answered him the first couple times, thinking maybe that he was ready to let go of the past and trust me. Each time I wouldn't hear from him again for a month or so. Finally, I didn't answer his last message, and blocked his emails and IMs. He could still get in touch with me if he really wanted to, but he hasn't. It's been hard, but I know it's best in the long run. You can do it too. Just tell yourself it's like a vaccination. The shot hurts for a minute, but it keeps a lot more pain away. There will still be moments when it's all you can do not to email him, but come post here instead and we'll talk you out of it. ;-)
I can understand your desire to have your final say, and to really get him to understand how you feel. Unfortunetly, these men don't truly care about a woman's feelings, it's all about them and what they can get. They will TELL you what you want to hear until they are blue in the face, but they will never DO those things that would make you happy. They are more concerned about stringing you along and throwing out the tidbits of bait to keep you interested, but will not change their actions to match. They just want to ensure that you stay, and when it works this time, next time and the time after that, then it's reinforcing that A) it's really OK for them to act this way and that B) it's working for THEM.
I think that you should tell him how you feel, not in a blog, but in an email. Pour out your heart about him, all the good and bad things. Tell him what it is that you wanted and needed from him that you never received. Tell him why you're upset, they're YOUR feelings, and you have a right to every one of them. Get it all out and hit send- and then hit DELETE DELETE DELETE to his profile, email, user account, msn account, phone number, cell phone, etc. The last line of the email should be asking him never to contact you again.
What you're trying to do is to find yourself and improve yourself so that you're not sucked back into his lies. Get that strength that comes from moving forward in your life. Re-discover who YOU were before all this happened and see how much you've changed. Find things that interest you and do them, make new friends, hang out with old ones. Join a gym, take a class or visit the library- do something for yourself that you can see yourself enjoying. Once you find yourself having fun with your life, you'll wonder WHY you ever allowed him back in time and again.
And then you will be open and alive for that next guy to sweep you off your feet. The guy who's going to look you in your eyes and be all about you! He's not going to play games, he's not going to be hard work- it's just going to work and be wonderful. He's not going to pull your heart out and run it over with a steam roller, he's going to take your heart and fill it up to bursting with love!
Isn't THAT what you want?
It all begins with the first step. It's hard and you've been through a lot, so stop putting yourself through it. You're the only one here that can stop the cycle, so find that strength that you KNOW is there and use it. Come here and talk with us when you feel a weak moment, throw it on your blog if you need to, but don't talk to him.
Sorry to hear about your dilemma with this guy. I absolutely hate the disappearing act - had that in one of my previous boyfriends so I know how you feel.
You sound like you held up well for the first date. I would not like that he had to talk about his bad OLD experiences and that he didn't ask me about me and want a 2nd date.
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You and I sound alike too.
Liz,
I was in a little bit of a similar situation. I was with a guy who couldn't get through what his XW did to him 8 years ago, and when it came down to the do we or don't we moment, he ran. Then once a month or so, he would call or email or IM or whatever. I answered him the first couple times, thinking maybe that he was ready to let go of the past and trust me. Each time I wouldn't hear from him again for a month or so. Finally, I didn't answer his last message, and blocked his emails and IMs. He could still get in touch with me if he really wanted to, but he hasn't. It's been hard, but I know it's best in the long run. You can do it too. Just tell yourself it's like a vaccination. The shot hurts for a minute, but it keeps a lot more pain away. There will still be moments when it's all you can do not to email him, but come post here instead and we'll talk you out of it. ;-)
Kelly
J just called for a 5th time tonight.
Liz, great to see you delurking!
I can understand your desire to have your final say, and to really get him to understand how you feel. Unfortunetly, these men don't truly care about a woman's feelings, it's all about them and what they can get. They will TELL you what you want to hear until they are blue in the face, but they will never DO those things that would make you happy. They are more concerned about stringing you along and throwing out the tidbits of bait to keep you interested, but will not change their actions to match. They just want to ensure that you stay, and when it works this time, next time and the time after that, then it's reinforcing that A) it's really OK for them to act this way and that B) it's working for THEM.
I think that you should tell him how you feel, not in a blog, but in an email. Pour out your heart about him, all the good and bad things. Tell him what it is that you wanted and needed from him that you never received. Tell him why you're upset, they're YOUR feelings, and you have a right to every one of them. Get it all out and hit send- and then hit DELETE DELETE DELETE to his profile, email, user account, msn account, phone number, cell phone, etc. The last line of the email should be asking him never to contact you again.
What you're trying to do is to find yourself and improve yourself so that you're not sucked back into his lies. Get that strength that comes from moving forward in your life. Re-discover who YOU were before all this happened and see how much you've changed. Find things that interest you and do them, make new friends, hang out with old ones. Join a gym, take a class or visit the library- do something for yourself that you can see yourself enjoying. Once you find yourself having fun with your life, you'll wonder WHY you ever allowed him back in time and again.
And then you will be open and alive for that next guy to sweep you off your feet. The guy who's going to look you in your eyes and be all about you! He's not going to play games, he's not going to be hard work- it's just going to work and be wonderful. He's not going to pull your heart out and run it over with a steam roller, he's going to take your heart and fill it up to bursting with love!
Isn't THAT what you want?
It all begins with the first step. It's hard and you've been through a lot, so stop putting yourself through it. You're the only one here that can stop the cycle, so find that strength that you KNOW is there and use it. Come here and talk with us when you feel a weak moment, throw it on your blog if you need to, but don't talk to him.
We're here for you.
Alison
The only thing I have to disagree with here is it being about what he can get.
You can take over any thread you want.
Hey Liz,
I am glad you delurked.
Sorry to hear about your dilemma with this guy. I absolutely hate the disappearing act - had that in one of my previous boyfriends so I know how you feel.
Be strong!! And keep us posted!!
I think you have to point blank say what you want and what you need. And then back off and see if he gives it to you - it is his choice.
As first said, it does not matter how you feel - it matters what he is willing and able to give to you.
Keep us posted!!
You sound like you held up well for the first date. I would not like that he had to talk about his bad OLD experiences and that he didn't ask me about me and want a 2nd date.
Keep us posted - I am enjoying your OLD stories.
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